Her reaction is part of the "act". Even if she did enjoy it, she would not let on just yet. She has to keep up appearances of a woman who want's a divorce, but I'm not so sure she does anymore. It will be an environment for playful passionate fun if you keep DBing your butt off. And yea, you do need to find a way to be the new you on your own. I think you will enjoy it.
Thanks, Just took an hour off of work and spent it racing razor scooters up and down the driveway with my S4. That was fun - one definite advantage to working from home.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I am sitting here laughing. I have no idea what you look like but the image in my head is a grown man with a madman smile zipping down the street with a small child.
Yeah, his scooter fit him a bit better than mine did
Anyway, still trying to understand what is going on with my W. We have kind of coexisted for a few days with her getting more and more withdrawn. She is still meeting with friends, talking on the phone, etc., but just not responding to or even interacting with me in any real way.
It's a bit difficult for me to understand, because when I am in pain, I want and actively look for support and contact. I can't imaging going through what she is going through and pulling away from support. Intellectually, I know that things are different, and that she is not feeling comfortable around me and that she is dealing with some strong emotions regarding her parents, but still I can't imagine pulling away from support when you are hurting.
So I am not taking it personally, and I am trying hard not to make any assumptions about what she is thinking or what she is going through or what any of it means. I'm focusing on myself, and watching the way that I interact with her and with others.
In general, I have decided that I need to be stronger and less hesitant in my interactions with her. I have traditionally tried carefully to feel out her mood and potential response before doing anything. and I now realize that this appears pretty weak and not like someone she would want to rely on - more like someone to step on
I'm not going overboard with this - especially in her current state, but for example this morning (after we were awake, but before getting up) I told her "I know that the situation with your mom is really bad and that you are really hurting. I don't need anything from you. I don't want anything from you. I just want to help where I can. Please don't push me away." and pulled her into a hug for a few minutes. She responded and relaxed - I think even slept for a few minutes, and then pulled away again. At least that is better than the "Don't! I don't want to snuggle!" that I have gotten before.
I'm not sure if this qualifies as pursuing...it's a pretty fine line to walk. I do believe that If I pull back completely and immerse myself in my own stuff, then that would just be confirmation to her that the old me (self absorbed and not emotionally there for her) is still around.
Open to feedback...
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I agree, that line is so fine and completely gray. I think you did well, based on her reaction. I think you need to keep doing thing like that until she has another "stop that" reaction. Keep it light, with no pressure because yes, you are in an extra tight spot that if you pull too far away you look like the guy you used to be in the marriage. Maybe re-read the chapter in DR about changing the medium. Maybe next time write her a quick note to let her know you are thinking about her, or a quick text, whatever. Something she doesn't have to have a response to in front of you. That's much less pressure and I think if done just enough to let her know you're there ready if she needs you you'll be in great shape.
We still have an evening out tonight at the Comedy club, but my W has started pushing back a bit in the past 24 hours - "I'm not sure if I want to go." "I'm tired." "I'm not sure if we should spend the money." etc. Each time I just said "No problem, if you don't want to go, you don't have to. I'll probably still go". Finally this morning I asked her point blank "Please let me know if you want to go tonight or not. No problem either way, but if you don't want to go, I have to cancel the babysitter". She paused a minute, then said "No, I'll go"
So we are going, but she's not overly enthusiastic. Have to make sure it is low key and fun without being "date-like". This is the first time we have been out together since her birthday a month ago (and that was a bit uncomfortable).
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
This is HUGE and very very good. See if you can ignore her just a bit, like maybe she's a stranger to you but a very good friend of a very good friend....how would you treat that person? Treat her like that so she's not overwhelmed AND she wonders WTH?
And you played it right....I'm going no matter what. And you had to ask this morning to let the sitter know so maybe she could pick up another family to sit for.
As W acts not overly enthusiastic, I think it's an act. She has to not get excited to go out with YOU, oh my goodness! But I bet she's thrilled. And the "I'm not sure I want to go"...."I'm tired" (and what's that go to do with tonight if you're tired yesterday?).....all of that is her wanting you to beg her to go. And you didn't.
I'm not sure about the "thrilled" part. I think it is more that she is overwhelmed by life right now and thinking maybe she would in fact rather just stay home in her pajamas and avoid everything and everybody.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Nope. She wants to go and she wanted you to beg her too. And when you didn't but did leave the door open a crack, she knew not only were you NOT going to beg her to go, this was going to be the last time you discussed it with her.
Let her be overwhelmed. You just keep coming up with ways for her to relax even if it's not with you. And comedy shows are just plain and simple--great fun.
I am off to a my IC session. I have been seeing the C with whom we started out with in MC and have really found them useful. We stopped going together when the EA came out - the MC said his belief was that if there was a 3rd party in the mix (ie an A of any sort), then joint MC was not helpful until that was resolved.
Since then we have not started up again, since my W felt they were putting too much pressure on her.
Now, I am wondering if I should ask her if we can start again. There seems to be so much tension and unspoken bad energy between us and week by week it seems to get worse. It is not going to come out without MC. I don't want to focus on the past, or the future - but really try to work out what is going on right now between us.
Maybe I'm just dreaming...
I'll ask the C and see what he thinks.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
