Last night I came to a crossroads in my M. The W wanted to get the kids after school and take them to dinner. this was her plan since last week. Yesterday it morphed into her asking me to drop the kids by her apartment before I went out. 5 minutes later, it was "I'm just going to keep them at your place, so they have their toys." I said, OK.
So I met a friend at a Wing place; had wings and a couple of beers. I got home and she had made the kitchen spotless; had the kids pick up after themselves in my living room; had done three loads of laundry and placed the folded clothes in my room. I thanked her for the help.
A little while later, she asked me what I thought about dating again. She said that God had really convicted her heart and that He wants her to repair the M. I told her that I was open to it; but I wanted to go slow. We both agreed that was the best course.
She talked about why she set out on her destructive pattern. I have no way of even knowing if any of that was true; but I just listened and validated. What she said is of no consequence because it doesn't justify what she did and she admitted that it didn't. She said that she realizes that what she wanted was not making her happy.
At the end of the night, she hugged me; told me she loved me; and kissed me for the first time since August. I'm still wary; but maybe there's a glimmer of hope for my M. I will just keep taking baby steps; I'm not in a hurry. the best thing about DB'ing is that I know NOW; that I'll be fine if the M doesn't work out. But I have the best chance I've ever had to make the M successful than I've ever had.
So, yes Amy, God is Great...Is He moving a mountain? Time will tell!
I am so happy to hear about the developments. You are right to take things very slowly and take a wait and see approach. But it sounds like things are moving in the right direction.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I'm really glad to hear that you want to take it slow. Do you think your wife would agree to enter into a no-contact/transparency plan with you? Without it, she's going to be VERY succeptable to a relapse.
Puppy
Lord Move, Or Move Me Ffh
I can't find the words to pray I'm a little down today Can you help me? Can you hold me? I feel a million miles away And I don't know what to say Can ya here me anyway? What I need is for you to reach out your hand You have taught me No matter what you'd understand
CHORUS:
Lord move in the way, that I've never seen before Cause there's a mountain in the way and I'll knock on the door I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore So Lord move (move), or move me.
END CHORUS
I've look every where to find A simple peace of mind I can't find nothing on my own So I got to leave myself behind Take up this cross of mine Give away everything I hold onto
Lord I know the only way is through this Lord I know I need you to help me do this
CHORUS
Lord move in the way, that I've never seen before Cause there's a mountain in the way and I'll knock on the door I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore So Lord move (move), or move me.
Out of this place of complacency To a place of fellowship with thee Cause I am weak but Lord you are so strong And you know it's been way too long (been way too long)
Lord move in the way, that I've never seen before Cause there's a mountain in the way and I'll knock on the door I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore So Lord move (move)...
She talked about why she set out on her destructive pattern. I have no way of even knowing if any of that was true; but I just listened and validated. What she said is of no consequence because it doesn't justify what she did and she admitted that it didn't. She said that she realizes that what she wanted was not making her happy.
Alright, Tom, I want you to understand how big I think this is. For me. I lied for a long time about the affairs. Then I admitted to them and for a time that was it. Counseling helped me figure out the reasons. You are right that there is no justification. 100%, I totally agree. But *I* think the huge thing here is that she is willing to talk about it with you. And even though it's not justified, you DO need to understand what got her to that place, so that you can do everything within YOUR power to make dang sure she doesn't go down it again. She may hang some of this one on you. But you can make FOR SURE that she can't hang ANY of the next one on you. The next one will be ALL totally her problem.
I think this is a huge step and didn't want you to lose sight of it. Time will tell of course if she is being honest, but I think she is. Otherwise, what is the purpose of opening up not just YOUR old hurts, but all of HER old hurts, insecurities, and shame, too.
Good job, bub. Happy for you.
Melissa
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
I am so happy to hear about the developments. You are right to take things very slowly and take a wait and see approach. But it sounds like things are moving in the right direction.
Thanks Pearl...I appreciate the support. We'll just see what time holds for us.
I'm really glad to hear that you want to take it slow. Do you think your wife would agree to enter into a no-contact/transparency plan with you? Without it, she's going to be VERY succeptable to a relapse.
Puppy
Puppy...I think she understands from the last time that we reconciled. Last April, she moved out for three weeks. She came back begging to come home and asked what she needed to do. I told her full and open disclosure on her cell phone,email, etc. No contact with OM. Counseling for herself. Church for all of us. At the point that she was better individually; then we could start MC. However, my fault was that I never included any part of what I needed to do. That was before I found DB.
Anyway, she agreed then. She's much more even-keeled emotionally right now than she was back then; so if she's serious, I suspect that she'll be accepting as long as it doesn't feel like a full-bore surveillance from me. How do I do that? At this point, I don't know.
Looking back at the last 6 months; this whole DB process seems easy compared to what I'm looking at right now. The "whole" piecing process isn't covered very well in Michelle's books. I now feel like I'm starting the hard work.
I've been thinking all day about how to approach this part of the sitch. I'm going to have to outline what I need in this and lay some groundrules/boundaries in this "dating" phase. Because, I ain't sharing. If she's dating me; I don't want her to be dating someone else. Otherwise it's not worth my time. I'd rather be divorced and dating different people. She's still my W and if she's trying to re-commit to the marriage; I don't want to share.
I need to get a hold of Coach. This sitch is heading in a direction in which I'm a novice.
Start by communicating with her. Tell her what you are thinking and LISTEN to her suggestions. Learn to compromise on a workable solution you BOTH agree on.
A coach told me once - You play like you practice, practice the right way and you'll play the right way.
