You know what....that is very true. Hopefully he didn't notice it which I think is a possibility. It was a very weird stressful Saturday. But, yeah, I didn't think of that....you're right.
It's officially on the table. Yes, ML is for me too. We always had no problems there. After S was born, there was a few months there where it wasn't happening very often, but H was very patient and understood I had issues with how I looked. I'm a size 0 now at 109 pounds. I was 178 pounds when they had to induce me and then give me a c-section. I was very very blah about my physical appearance. H always said I was beautiful and sexy though. I'll give him credit. But the ML, is something for me physically and it's still very emotional for me too. I hope it is for him too. So yes, it's for me. And yes, I brace myself for the silence or pull back immediately after, but it doesn't always happen to be honest, which I think is good.
He does still come around even if he saw the book. He was just here for dinner and left around 7:00 to go home to hit the hay he said. He has to be up at 4:00am for work. I was light and smiled a lot. It was very relaxed, men in one corner, women in another, but some interaction still. When he left, he gave S a big hug and kiss, and ran his fingers through my hair. BUT I normally walk him out....didn't do that this time. Stayed right where I was.
I AM GOING TO GIVE IT A REST. I know you and my girlfriend/roommate are right. I will never get things back on track if I can't let this ex-OW die. Even my therapist says I need to shrink the size of space she has in my brain to 0. It's just hard. But I'm going to continue my progress. I started today at 9:15 to let it all die and I'm going to continue. I'm going to keep tabs on me and my brain space she occupies.
I really don't understand him. That's a very very true statement. It's almost like I don't even know who he is at times.
I can't go completely dark anyways because of S and truth be told, I'm grateful for that. The old me would "show him" a thing or two. So this is definitely the better and higher road for the new me. You're right, nothing to be vindictive.
"Your problem is that you care too much, but your crime is how you showed it." It's these types of statement, show and poignant that I asked what you do for a living. I do need to keep a lid on it. I do need to let her make this thing implode and explode completely.
No, I don't want to nag my prince charming out of the castle. I just want to kick him real hard in the a$$ really. But I guess neither are options.
I am going to continue to work on me, the tennis, the yoga, the exercise (which I'm slacking a bit on), hanging out with my girls, me time and most importantly, this weekend, I'm NOT going to help him with S. He's already mentioned this weekend several times. He has his fantasy baseball draft this Sunday. He was actually thinking about driving 5 hours one way to his parents house to have them watch him while he does his draft. I very kindly asked some questions and explained, "Do you really want to drive 10 hours in a car with a three year old by yourself?" I really don't think it occured to him. I told him to get a movie and pop it in and let S watch it while he drafts. It's done online, no one will know S is even there. Men can't multi-task like women
I don't know what I would be doing without you AJ.
I will work hard on the changes.
I'm also on Facebook. I killed the page for awhile when I H was just trying to play games. So, I killed it and killed the games. Since I've come back, he's not played any with me. We never talked about it, but I think he understood and has been great since my great Facebook return.
Keep the advice and pointers coming. It keeps me sane. --SLH 8
No, I don't want to nag my prince charming out of the castle. I just want to kick him real hard in the a$$ really. But I guess neither are options.
You're a feisty one.
You're doing great. Your therapist is right; shrink it. Keep in mind you won't do it perfectly the first time. Don't let that discourage you though. You'll get there with a little perseverance. Trust me on that
Nothing's more attractive than a confident woman.
I think you'll like the new you; I think everyone will. I'm already liking what I see in your thought changes.
-Be patient. Be confident in you. Be the you you've always wanted to be.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Alright, so what exactly should I be doing right now? Keep in mind my big fear is that he still has feelings for the ex-OW and will start working on reconciling things with her even though she now has a new boyfriend and has her ex chasing her too. (Both of these guys are rich....yeah, she's that girl and my H is not rich. I'm not that girl.)
I know this: I'm detaching. What exactly does that entail? I know I am going to stop calling him unless absolutely necessary or I can be incredibly funny/interesting. It used to be a situation where I would organize the accounts and financing and tell him what to pay when. I've since learned how to pay all the bills myself, except for his cell phone bill. So I don't need to contact him about that, except to let him know how much he can take out and use for gas. What if he wants me to come over to ML? We've already agreed I will do that because of the intimacy and frankly, the need. Are there any more rules to that? I'm going to keep GALing which is tennis, yoga, exercise, time with S, time with girlfriends and plain old me time. I'm going to completely let H take care of S for the next two weekends that H has S. And every weekend there after. I figure I may do dinner with them, but that's it. I can just see H inviting me over to ML and help with S, so there's my catch 22 I need to figure out if it happens. Maybe, don't go home until really late? Not sure on that one, but will cross that bridge if I come to it. Yesterday, H texted me when he was done with teaching his class. I asked him if he wanted to join us for dinner and he did. Do I stop doing that? Or just cut back? Or leave it as is? I want to be able to interact with H face to face as much as possible, but maybe I need to be less available...???? We aren't going to be communicating by phone or text much anymore, so not sure what to do there. And guess in terms of shrinking my brain space about ex-OW is to just do it....but does anyone have any suggestions on how to do that? I can work on the confidence part of all of this. That's actually the easy part here. The only time I dropped my confident side is when this first started and I was trying to talk some sense into him, which I have since learned how bad that is and how it pretty much never works.
I also need to figure who the me I want to be is. But that is something for me to figure out all by myself. I'll start working on a list of the attributes I like, dislike and etc.
You make such fast progress, it's hard to keep up. You're asking the right questions mostly.
Quote:
Keep in mind my big fear is that he still has feelings for the ex-OW and will start working on reconciling things with her even though she now has a new boyfriend and has her ex chasing her too. (Both of these guys are rich....yeah, she's that girl and my H is not rich. I'm not that girl.)
STOP! You cannot control him. You should take this as a compliment that he is choosing you over her. He looked. He saw. He likes you better. He loves you. He can't stand to be around you though.
The rest of it? Take it as it comes. I recognize a fellow analyst when I see one. Stop. You can't predict the future. You can't change the past. Live in the moment.
And yes, be a little less available. Not dark. Not gone. Not pursuing. Less available. For your sake. You need the time to work on you.
Relax. Fix you. Don't try to control or predict the situation. Take it as it comes and leave it in the past when you get the chance. Make friends. Enjoy the time away from your son and spouse. Be good to yourself. He does want you back, but not the old you. That's why he comes over for dinner. That's why he stays in contact with you even if he doesn't have to.
Be confident that he cares for you. Be confident that he wants to come back to you. Be sure that he doesn't yet know if he can or if he is willing to take the chance that things will be different.
Work on you. Forget the exOW - he has. He wishes you would. He wishes he could even more but has to work with her. He never really cared about her, he was happy that somebody was nice to him.
Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.
Get it? It means nothing.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I hope you are right. I hope he has no more feelings for her and he's lying when he says it's over. There are moments and even days when I just want to walk away. I just want to go file and say "Stick that where the sun don't shine." But then my S will say something like this morning "Which way does Daddy live?" And I want to cry and I want the love of my life back. I want my son to know what it feels like to grow up in a house like my H's and mine: our parents married. I know now there were rocky times in my parents marriage. I just don't know when that was or why or what happened. I know they made it though. And more than most things in my life, I appreciate that and the fact that I have no idea when their marriage hit rough spots. They kept it from me and my sibling.
"He was happy someone was nice to him." There's a lot of hard things to deal with here for me in my situation. One of them is that you're right. He was happy someone was nice to him, because I wasn't in the end. I was very angry and lonely.
Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go.Let it go. Let it go. OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OKAY OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OKAY OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OKAY slh 0
LOL. I think you're catching on. (the Ok's made me laugh).
Keep in mind you're learning to be you. Sounds odd, but that's what your husband wanted. That's really what you wanted too, isn't it?
TRUST ME already. He has feelings for you and wants you back. He never wanted to lose you, but he never wanted to be treated like that and felt like you weren't listening and weren't going to change.
You felt that way too, didn't you?
Now's your chance to be the amazing woman you've always wanted to be.
Stop hoping I'm right and start knowing I'm right. I am. Ok?
As for the questions - no. I cannot tell you the questions. I can tell those are some of the right ones though because they're about you. I can tell you're changing your thinking and your focus and I can tell it's having positive results. You're planting seeds. You're waiting for them to grow. You're checking the plants before they get that chance (I love that analogy - it works well). Stop doing that. Plant. Wait. Be patient.
You're reorganizing very very well. It won't be easy all the time, but you're doing very well.
Journal your goals and your situation. You'll want to look back and see the small changes to give you encouragement. You'll want to see the effect it has on WAS as well. It'll help you to not file the papers or stick them in places that would be uncomfortable to him. Or morally compromising.
Keep that PMA. Do yourself a favor and tell as few of your personal friends as possible. Tell them you and H are working through some issues, but don't go into detail. The fewer people that know the better. Same as your parents did, right?
Keep it up!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
So H is still communicating with ex-OW. I asked him again Do you want to pursue this? If you do, I'll have to understand and I will take a step back out of your life and we'll have S between us and we'll take very good care of him. But if you are still into this person, I'm not going to get in your way, as you seem to think I have been in the past." He emphatically said NO, she's lucky I don't elbow her in the mouth. So, not sure what to think there. But I've decided not too anymore. Yesterday, me and Girlfriend/Roommate buried ex-OW after we burned her, literally. I took some of the emails that were sent to me and we found a tin can and burned it all. Then I dug a small hole and buried the ashes. So now she's "dead" and my Girlfriend/Roommate says I can ONLY complain about ex-OW to Girlfriend/Roommate. To be honest, and I know I can be here, I'm tired. I'm tired of this person in his life and I'm even more tired of her in mine. Let me go find something to jump start me. I'll post more later.
