EX moved back in. Not good

[sweepsr]

Its been years since I have been on here. I tried the busting but in the end she just didnt want me and kept having affairs. UNfortunately after the last sep we thought we would make it work. That lasted 4 months and she left. Ends up she had a co worker she was seeing the whole time. I was left with the house and debt while she split and rented a fancy townhome. Its now 2 years later and she just got evicted. Her bartending income could not support the life she borrowed. After a close call on losing the house my brother moved in and has been here since last summer. NOw back to the EX. She had no where to go and our daughter expected me to help her mother. I gave 2 weeks tops before she would have to leave. Its been 5 days and my heart is killing me. All I can think about is the other men and how I was rejected. In fact I have become this father figure because sure enough she is seeing a married man..again! I dont want our D to find out because it would crush her faith in her mother. Instead I tried to talk to my EX about it and explain how belittling it is to herself. No one deserves second fiddle but she is in love and not listening to me. I dont know what mentally damaged her so long ago to think being with married men is the right thing for her. It actually breaks my heart even more. I loved her so much and still do love her but she never got that. I cant go back I know because the damage is done. My mental images will never go away. Shes dirty. Still I just wish she knew how good of a woman I thought of her. Maybe she does but doesnt care.
I dont have any questions for anyone here today. I just need to let it out. None of my friends understand and just think I am a sucker or to nice etc. I feel I had no choice but to help her and now I am so broken inside. Somedays I wish my life was over so the pain would stop. Im not going to do anything either. I couldnt leave my D. It just hurts soooo damn much.

[mishka422]

I understand your pain. I've been running up against a similar situation myself. I'm sorry you feel so lost and overwhelmed right now. Please know, that what you are doing by taking your ex back into the house to keep her from being homeless is a wonderfully selfless act. You are doing this for your D, you really couldn't do anything else, could you? Your D would be devastated and would have an impossible time dealing with her mother not being taken care of, especially by you. Kids tend to internalize the circumstances of their parents and apply them to themselves, so if you didn't take her mom in when she was in need, she may look at it like you wouldn't take care of her when she was in need either.

Now, stop the wishing your life were over crap. You know those thoughts don't do you a bit of good and will only drag you further into the dark.

Do you pray? If not, why not? The comfort you may derive from the practice could be worth it.

Best wishes to you.

[cat03]

Listen, I know how it goes when you are trying to help someone who keeps hurting herself or others, how desperately you want to make things alright.

You CANNOT fix her, you are NOT responsible for what happens to her, she took this road, she is an adult and she has to face the consequences of her actions. You can try to explain to her how terrible her desicions are until the cows come home, she is homeless and STILL is doing all that crap, she hasn't learned her lesson, is not ready to listen and by taking her in you have enabled her destructive behavior.

Who has custody of your daughter? if it is her then you should protect her and have her be with you, her mother is not well and is not a good parent at this point. Your d is only 12, she only sees mommy and not the big picture, you are in no obligation to help her, she decided to walk away and chosen the life she has now. As far as your d12 can understand you have to talk to her and tell her that mom has made her choice as an adult and that we all have to face the consequence of our actions, that you can't bail her out anymore. You were more than nice by letting her back in.
Trust me, I know what you are going through, almost the same happened to me, but I was firm and with lots of hurt in my heart I had to tell stbx to leave... it's been one year, and he hasnt' changed, still is irresponsible, making bad choices and thinking only of himself, I have lost nothing.

Repeat to yourself: you are not responsible for her behavior or her life. This situation is destroying you. For your daughter, for YOURself you have to let her go. I know it's hard, but this person is destructive, she ceased to be the lovely woman you married, please, stay away from her and let her know that after the 2 wks have passed you will only talk to her about your d12 and she should not expect any more help from you.
I believe in helping people with all my heart, I do, but your toxic exW is taking advantage of you and is destroying your peace, dragging you and d12 down with her.

[sweepsr]

Thank you for the advise and support. its so easy for me to get caught in the darkness. I have such a hard time with her and I know all I really want is her to say is she loves me. Its stupid.

I have kept on her about finding a new place everyday. I am keeping my fingers crossed on the one she saw yesterday.

[sweepsr]

Do you pray? If not, why not? The comfort you may derive from the practice could be worth it.

Best wishes to you.

Thank you.
I do not pray often. All of this garbage happened shortly after our Alpha class at church and I have lost some faith in it all.

[smith18]

I've thought about what I would do if my X's old sugar daddy kicked the bucket and she was up a creek without a paddle. I would not take her in. The fact that she is my kids mother does not play into it. I would not want to open old wounds as it appears have just been done to you.

I dont know if you should concern yourself with shielding your D12 from the true nature of her mother. It just seems like a lie or a cover up. Likewise, you should not say anything bad about her mother. Your D will eventually find out over time on her own that her mother is a habitual adultress and that would be an issue between the two of them.

[3K451]

I was in a similar position as you when my ex suddenly bounced back about 6 months after the D was final. He was/is most likely a sex addict who was involved with a trashy OW also addicted to drugs. She got busted stealing oxycontin from her job (she was a nurse!), got her license revoked, and had 4 felonies and probably did jail time at some point. He bounced back at me during that crisis.

I gave him 24 hours and a couch, he stayed 2 weeks. What did I do? I made SURE he got kicked out. We had the umpteenth argument over his negligence and laziness, he was drinking, so I called the cops. Told him either leave or have the cops escort him.

You have to take a hard line with your ex. I had 2 minors at home at the same time (one was 15, the other 17). I didn't focus on anything about this with them. I kept them out of it as much as possible. Your ex has to fix/heal/cure herself.

Petition the courts for custody of your daughter if you have to, and go after this woman for child support.

I know this sounds harsh, but putting a steel rod in your back will make you feel much better and much more empowered. You are putting yourself out as prey for your ex. Don't do it. All the "explaining" and "conversations" you have with her are falling on deaf ears. She has to decide what's right and wrong for her, not you. If you have to, get someone there with you (your brother?) to help you get her out of there and get custody of your D. I would think it is a no-brainer to any judge to award you custody if your ex is a bartender, not making much money, no home/place to live. It doesn't matter to you where she goes or what she does about it. Get her out and tell her your D will live with you and don't make it a decision for her, just do it.

[cat03]

sweeprs, sometimes only an event like this will get us closer to God, I actually found my faith through my pain, I realize that I was powerless and that I was weak, that the only one powerful enough to help me was, is, God.
Sometimes we have to suffer because of other people's bad choices, not because God is "making" us suffer, the beauty of it is, God can use such an ugly event and turn it into a blessing.
Sure I wish my family stayed intact, but I have changed for the better, I have found true peace.

Believe it will be alright, set your mind to think positive, to know that a new future is ahead of you, that God wants to bless you inmesurably more than before.

[sweepsr]

Thanks all I appreciate the support! I know we all have different sitches but its nice it be part of this group.

As it is I do have custody of my D. After learning about her last affair I got some balls somewhere and told her I will fight for D and she should just give in now. She did. I dont ask for child support because it would only put her in a slum elgin. I dont want my D to worry about her mother like I have about mine.

Anyway, Since last friday she has worked most nights and gone to look at a few apartments. I am hoping they call today and give her the go ahead. My EX knows I am hurting and has been keeping her distance by sitting in our D room. She has mentioned in front of our D that, "I know you want me out". All I could say was that "it isnt that I dont want to help you. Its that this is to emotionally hard on me to be around you."
My D told me to relax. Its not like I could just stand there and say yes I do. It would sound mean and my D would get hurt by that. Besides its not the truth.
I am still on Spring break vacation and working in the yard all week. I will just try to hide out there and not see her. I wish my head would stop thinking so much though.

[InLikeFlynn]

fact I have become this father figure because sure enough she is seeing a married man..again! I dont want our D to find out because it would crush her faith in her mother.

At some point your daughter needs to see her mother the way she really is. Exposure could actually force for XW to modify/change her behavior.