I just finished posting to, okay probably hijacking Carlos's thread (Healthydad) where he was talking about memories. His words resonated and made me want to talk about staying focused on the present. I alluded to somethig happening to me today and think I should share it here.
Sometimes, it is just not fun to be in the present. So not fun that one would rather be anywhere else. I am approaching the eight-month mark with Z and we are in the midst of being friends and dividing our assets. I really thought I could tough my way through the money part and through sheer determination, not feel anything. Seldom right and wrong again.
It hit me this morning in the middle of numerous emails between attorneys and Z and me that the money talks are disgusting, truly disgusting. What was once a very beautiful thing between two people has died and it is to be mourned and grieved as the loss that it is. Talking about division of assets and having attorneys squabbling over one hundred dollars is like standing at a funeral over the coffin of a loved one and yelling back and forth that he may not have been well-enough insured. It is gross and distasteful. I understand that it has to be completed. It is just that I was so naive to think I was tough enough to not feel pain from it.
I am really strong - so much stronger than I ever realized. But, like I have posted here and to friends, strength and pain, sadness and tears are not mutually exclusive. So it was naive of me to think that strength, without feeling the sadness was going to be all it took to see me through this part of the process.
My friends, I am tired. That is the biggest part of my problem, I think. I am a rip-the-band-aid-off kind of a woman and this slow death is agony. I am tired of feeling sadness and having it crop up unexpectedly (perhaps a negative effect of no expectations?), I am tired of mourning and grieving and loss. But, I know this cannot be rushed, it must pass as it will in the time it takes.
This is my very long-winded way of cautioning myself, and anyone who cares to read this with me, not to take one's focus off of the present, even when the present contains some things or feelings one would rather it did not. Better to acknowledge those things and face them, honestly, and let them go than to deny them their due, lest they grow and linger.
So, part of my present is sadness and I am feeling it and acknowledging it. I also plan to focus on some of the good and happy things in my present, because there are those things, too. Perspective is the key, I think.
