I just had lunch with pastor. I was telling him how even though WAS was acting the crazy b**ch this week, it does not affect me nearly as much. In fact, it really didn't. It comes up as a curiousity to me and something to recognize, but it doesn't get under my skin. I told him the truth: I started feeling that I could relax more and more when I noticed she was healing. It was a pivotal moment for me because I care about her. I admit that I do. I love her. Deeply. But I'm no longer as wound up about the crazy things she pulls or the wild mood swings. I'm off the roller-coaster for the most part. I slip back on from time to time. I know that. But I refuse to live in a depressed state any longer.
That's two things I won't do any longer: 1) I won't be treated like she was treating me. I won't be the whipping post. Funny about that. My daughter told me last night that mom needs to get in a fight to release some of that tension. Either we both fatalistically think the same way, else she notices things the same as I do. I suspect the latter.
2) I won't be depressed or sucked into the mood swings like before. It's getting easier to stand back from those and see that although WAW is railing against me, it's not me that she's really railing against. I won't walk on egg-shells, but neither will I pour salt in her wounds. I care for her. Unconditionally.
It's not about me. It's not about me. It's not about me. Even when she projects things on me blaming for things, it's not about me. I think that's why I keep getting back-handed insults (i.e. even if I've been a monster these past 6 months, you were like that for years!) That sort of thing. We're making progress I'm sure, but for me it's about her healing. I can be far more patient knowing that she's healing. Even if I have to fall on my sword, I know now that it's not about me. I know that it's her and my needs are not the issue.
My only real need in our relationship right now is to protect my wife and see her heal. Which made it harder to detach early on. I'm not saying that's right for everyone. I'm just acknowledging the reality of my inner thoughts.
My thoughts are that she's still dealing with her own issues too much to deal with anything else. She isn't comfortable in her own skin and can't possibly love anyone else. Such as me
Ok. She's broken. I can deal with that even if she doesn't come back to me. I can be lovingly detached in that case. Because I cannot change her. Because I cannot change anyone but me. My changes are for and about me now. I've already changed for my children. Now I change for me. Starting immediately.
The more I change for me, the better I feel. The more I feel like the old me. The confident, happy, easy going me. I crave friends and interaction and all that. But I can be patient with some of that.
Coach: I have not read that book. I've read many similar. In fact, on of the good one's I've seen is The Friendship Factor. Has some interesting things and somebody earlier in the thread mentioned they'd like the name.
I'll add that one to my reading list though. Thanks!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
