First Locked Thread in 5 Years!

[tpaschal]

Pam,

You sound really good---positive and strong! :-)

It is almost curious to me that I am not fixating on the words "and reenters your life." I think that I so wanted to believe in the possibility of that happening that I would have only seen those words and thought "there is a chance!" Kinda like something out of the movie Dumb and Dumber.

LOL! I think Valentine called it the chatter that goes on in our own heads. I can SO relate to that. I am sometimes still consumed by those kind of thoughts, and by questions and longings, and sometimes I still just really MISS him (the guy that he used to be, that is), but it happens sooo much less now than it did even 2 months ago.

And I think it's in part because of this....

My criteria for healthy.... Hmm, I should have one of those? Ha ha. Funny that it never occured to me that I should be discerning. Nope, I was only focused on getting him back- healthy, not healthy~ it mattered little. Thank you for reminding me that my decision making is not the best right now! I mean this sincerely. How could I have gone so long putting my own wants/needs on the back burner? It is astounding to me.

I finally reached this same point a couple of months back.

Up until this past fall (18 months or so post bomb), I would have taken ex back---no questions asked. I would have tried to be SuperWoman---SuperWife, SuperMom---in order to keep him happy. I would have taken on all the blame and tried to change everything about myself that he complained about and put up with his crap in order to keep him home. Then I got to a point where I realized that being that kind of doormat wouldn't be healthy for me, and thought that I would let him return home "as is" as long as he agreed to counseling and comitted to working on our problems together. I thought if he would just come home, I could help "fix" him.

Now I realize---him coming home before he's fixed himself probably wouldn't work.

I don't want ex coming home because his relationship with OW tanks, or because it's easier than dealing with all the fallout from the D (financial issues, kid issues, etc.) I don't want to be the "default" option.

We got where we are now in large part because he refuses to deal with his own low self-esteem, his feelings of insecurity and inadequacy, and his love/hate relationship with his parents. If he came home before dealing with all that, he might never get around to facing those issues. If he came home too soon, he could still blame me for all of his negative feelings and not have to examine his own feelings and subsequent behaviors.

(Doesn't mean that I would say no if he asked to come back home. Just means that I am much more realistic now about what it would take for that to happen.)

While I don't believe I HAVE to have a man in my life in order to be complete, I do miss being married. I miss having a partner to share my life with. But---I don't want to be ANY man's back-up plan.

I want a man who wants me enough to pursue me. I want him to love me enough to woo me. I want him to WANT to be married to me. If someday in the future that man turns out to be ex, great. But if ex takes too long getting his act together and someone else comes along and loves me that way, and I love him the same way, then too bad for ex.

I can still try to be the greener grass, but I need to be that "greener grass person" for my own health and happiness and for my kids, not just to try and lure ex back home. And if my green grass ends up attracting a new love interest, yay! ;-) That is what I want for you, too.

Hmm...maybe I got too bogged down in the metaphor there, but I hope you know what I mean!

Hope you are having a great day!