I've never commented on your sit, but I just read this and I feel compelled to just say what a comendable thing it is you are doing. You've been in this thing for several years, and most people would have been long gone by now. You and your W were married for a long time, so these few years of torture may be a worthwhile investment to save those many years of what seemed like a good marriage. But don't allow her to abuse you endlessly; love her, forgive her, but don't placate her. Maybe she needs to know how it feels to lose you? That whole thing about her staying in the home until your son graduates scares me.
I know you have done this, and I don't know why I am bringing it up. I like you. I wish my H was a little more like you. But, I wish he was a little more like all of the Hs trying to get their wives back.
You mentioned about the trip to pick up son that she said she had things to do and you told us that you wish she would just say it was a boring drive and she didn't want to go. But you are putting words in her mouth here. Assume she told you the truth. Maybe she did have something going on that you don't know about. You can't say why she didn't want to go because you are not her. You are projecting what YOU think she thinks onto her. And that's not fair.
Now we get to the part that I know you have done, but maybe would have been okay to do at the time. To just call her on it and say, you know, I would appreciate your honest. If you really do have things to do, I understand. But if you don't want to go because it's a boring drive, then please feel free to say that, too. Let her know that you really do appreciate her honest opinion and feelings.
Because I had the affair, I have felt that there are a lot of things I have to keep in now. I know that's not right, but because we are on unsure footing, it is what I do. I am honest when asked a question, but it is still hard.
Anyway.
Good luck.
Melissa
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
WP, I appreciate you stopping by and I appreciate the compliments. I do think you're correct that it'll probably take me telling her I've had enough and am walking away for her to figure it out. I hope not, but I see it going that way. I don't know, maybe I'll tell her I'm walking and she'll be ok with it. I have a hard time not believing that she's just not carrying out her plan to hang around until S16 graduates and then she'll say she tried and it didn't work. Her Mom did the same thing to her step dad when W's younger brother was in H.S. Only stayed around for the kids. I think W would be surprised if she'd ever really talk to S16. He's still very angry about everything, especially W not talking to him about how he feels etc. He says every time he tries to talk to her she just changes the subject or walks away. She's going to lose the kids too if she doesn't watch what she's doing.
Mel, I appreciate your comments also. I know I project what I think to her as reality, but it's hard not to when she won't be honest with me about what she's feeling. Retro would have a good chance of doing wonders for us, but so far she's refused to go. I'm going to give that one more chance before I do anything drastic.
I can understand completely anyone in your sitch (and W) feeling like they need to keep things in now, and I can only speak for myself, but I NEED to know those things. Those are the walls that let this happen in the first place. Keeping that stuff in only prevents intimacy. If that's what's going on with W, she's not getting that that will drive me away, not help me.
I hear you on the being up front and calling her on stuff. I have been doing that for a number of months now and she seems to respond in a positive way, but she's still got something holding her back and until she's ready to let go and open up to me, we don't stand a chance. And I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up.
Talk to ya soon.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Very good point about walls preventing intimacy! Since you're aware of that, make it your mission to brake those walls down. Be as open and honest with her as possible, especially when you feel she's keeping something from you. Don't be confrontational or accusatory, but be gentle in asking her what her motives are in any given situation.
LOL Pup. I do have a job contrary to what it seems like with my posting on here!
Weekend was good. Really good.
Friday night, W and I went to the little restaurant/bar down the hill from us. We were there for 6 hours. Just talking and enjoying the evening. W opened up some more to me. She volunteered to contribute some more money to the joint account to help with S20's school and other family expenses. I thought that was HUGE. We talked about so many things. It was just good.
Saturday we cleaned around the house a bit and watched some H.S. basketball and the first half of the NCAA Division II finals. Then S20 came home and I had to take him back to school. W was keeping us updated on the game while we were driving. Our hometown won on a last second 3 pointer in OT! WooHoo. We were all pretty excited. They finished the season 36-0. Guess you guys can all find out now where our hometown is if you really want to.
I got home from dropping S20 off and W was getting ready for us to go out. I went up to start getting ready and she was standing there in minimal clothing finishing up. And she didn't run to put anything on. Seems she's feeling more and more comfortable around me.
We went to her bosses boss' house for a party. Had a really good time. I spent part of the night talking with people I interact with in my job that W works with. I caught her looking at me a couple of times, almost with some admiration in her look. The rest of the night I was with W and letting her lead a lot of the conversations. We ended up being the last one's to leave. I really like W's Mgr and it was enjoyable just W and Mrg and myself talking for a bit.
We got home and stayed up for a couple more hours just talking.
Sunday we did some more stuff around the house. We also sat and looked online for hotels in Myrtle Beach. We're going to go there with the kids for a week this summer. It was fun looking at all the different options, etc. I went grocery shopping. Asked W if she wanted to go and she said "no, I HATE grocery shopping". I found this interesting as I've done the grocery shopping for years, but once W's A started, all the sudden she had a problem with me doing it myself. She would be really angry with me when I'd return from the store, slamming stuff around, etc. Then probably 6-8 months ago, she started going with me. And it was fun. We would connect while doing the shopping. But now she hasn't gone with me 2 out of the last 3 weeks. I called her a couple times while at the store since they didn't have some of the things she'd wanted, and she was making funny comments, etc.
The grocery thing and the money thing makes me think she's starting to let go of the "control" stuff she was struggling with during the A and the WD after.
We also had a conversation yesterday about putting a new roof on our house. W wants to hire someone to do it, but I've put roofs on a number of houses before so I'm not sure why she wants to pay someone to do it for us. She's funny that way. She wants to hire people to do stuff on the house when I'm perfectly capable of doing a lot of those things. I told her that we could get an estimate, but I would guess it would probably cost $7000 or more for someone to do it and I could do it myself for probably $2500. Nice thing is there's only one layer on the house now so I could just work in the evenings and on the weekends and it's not an issue. We didn't make any decisions, but heck, if we can save $4500 why not let me do it?
So far this morning she's been sending me emails and IM's quite a bit. Seems like the down time from our talk a couple weeks ago is going away. I also found out last Friday that she must have been PMS'ing the previous week. Missed that one. Didn't realize it was getting close, but it could explain a lot of the moodiness she was having the previous week.
Thanks for checking in on me. I'll keep ya posted.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
I had to laugh when I read what you said about grocery shopping. My wife used to HATE, specifically, having to go BACK out for something, when she'd just BEEN out (I mean, who wouldn't, but she REALLY hated this). Well, when she was in the middle of her affair, she'd offer at the drop of the hat.
Boys: "You didn't buy the RED Gatorade???"
FWW: "No problem -- I'll just run back out to the store, be right back!"
Then she'd sit in the parking lot and text or talk on her cellphone.
The pattern continues. Last weekend, very good. Monday, still very good.
Tuesday while she's at work, something happens and she changes. Will talk to me, but is definitely more withdrawn. Yesterday, very different. I sent her a few IM's while at work and she could hardly wait to end the conversations. We went out for dinner last night and I tried to initiate conversations with her and she wouldn't look at me and all in all, it was a pretty quiet meal.
Got home and she was still pretty quiet and ended up sleeping on the couch.
We'll see how the weekend goes. If it follows the normal pattern, she'll be fine and we'll have a good weekend.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
