Stress, WAW and life in general II

[AJM]

Thanks Coach. I am worth it. My familie's worth it.

It's tough, but so's life.
I greatly appreciate the feedback, the pointers, and the encouragement. The encouragement to change is so hard to come by.

UPDATE:
This week's interesting. She's been like a caged animal. I think the fact that she hates the way she's acting is not helping her one bit. I've been giving her a wide berth and not letting her pick a fight. To her credit she's trying to reach out. She's trying to keep quiet, but I can see the stress and pressure.

I asked her the other night if she had a cup. She freaked out and sarcastically repeated "do I have a cup..." of what?!? Mean and lashing out. I smiled and said do you have a cup already for something to drink? Friendly. Not sarcastic. She mumbled something about how she'll take care of it.

Last night I asked one question. Same kind of response. This after she was fidgety all over the place. Jumped on the kids the last few nights. I told my daughter to just give her time.

She's under a lot of pressure. We handle pressure differently I guess but we're not that different.

I'm not offended at her actions any more. I'm not hurt by them any longer. I feel sorry for her when I look at her. I saw her this morning at 430 (darn dog) and wished her luck for the day. That was the extent of the conversation but you could see in her eyes I wasn't welcome in the space she was in. I'm not offended by that or hurt. I'm not even worried about my feelings which is new for me. I just noticed and kept on moving.

I still think about her often. Not as often, but a lot. Last night I was up late thinking about us. Didn't wake up in a panic though. If not for the dog, I would have slept to the alarm I think.

I feel sorry for her. I do. I don't cringe as much when she talks about how she might want to leave or "..if we go on separate vacations". That stung, but not for long. I think I've come to expect it or at least not be surprised by it.

Last night my daughter and I were in her confirmation class. We had a guest come by that got us to do chants and play drums and stuff. Very relaxing way to do things. Very spiritual. I really enjoyed that.

I guess I'm moving to a point where I'm concerned, but distant. Not sure yet if I'm doing that to protect me, but I don't think that's it. I am distant because I feel like she needs me to be distant. She needs the kids to be distant as well. They don't like that, but they bounce back fast I've noticed. And they have me for which I'm grateful.

I'm toying with thanking W for taking the stand of getting me to change my relationship with the kids. I'm not sure yet what message that would send. I am grateful though for the eye-opener.

Still looking for ways to build that trust. Still working on doing the little things. I peeled an orange for her last night. That's about it for now. Don't want to interfere or be blamed for her performance right now. That would be a bad idea on my part and I think that's what she's been asking for (she mentioned in MC that she only ever wanted to feel like I was taking care of the kids while she was at school. Self-centered, but honest - which I appreciate much more now that she's said it.)

<shrug> I'm close with the kids. I was always taking care of them. She may not have liked how, but I always was. Before I would think that's her mommy-guilt if she said I didn't do it how she would and therefore I'm wrong. I think differently now. I think she was communicating something she needed in a bad way. I'm not a puppet, so I didn't jump and she took that to mean I didn't care.

We both have things to work on. I like me and I'm tired of being depressed and having a lack of confidence.

Catch you later.

AJ