Mindblank #2 - "Stuck as friends..."

[mindfull]

OK, CONFESSION...

Monday evening at 10:25pm I sent H a txt, asking him if he thinks he will ever love me enough, or be attracted to me enough to want to ML again.

Reply came at 10:50pm, saying, "Whoa! That's an interesting question to be woken up to! What brought that on again?"

I replied... "Well, you know I will give an unending effort to make us work. But, I think I deserve to know if you're willing to work on us as a couple, or if you're just staying home for the kids. It just hurts to be so in love with you, and not have it returned. I don't just miss us physically, but the intimacy that comes with it. I'll never take it for granted again, given the chance. That's all. I love you."

Her replied. "I have been asleep for an hour, with not an hour of sleep last night, and am dead tired. I will talk to you tomorrow, OK?"

OF COURSE I know it was the wrong thing to do.

OF COURSE I know I'm applying pressure.

OF COURSE I'm sick and tired of living in limbo. At some point, we all have a point where we're not being able to continue in the current conditions. I'm sorry, I'm getting there.

We didn't talk, but he was driving in horrendous rain and thunderstorm conditions yesterday. He'll be home this evening.

My plan is to just act as I usually do, have a nice dinner ready, be sweet and kind, etc... The ball's in his court now. If he chooses to ignore it, then so be it. On to PLAN B. Not sure what that is, but some changes need to be made.

[ernest88]

OK, CONFESSION...

tell it all sister..tell it all.

Monday evening at 10:25pm I sent H a txt, asking him if he thinks he will ever love me enough, or be attracted to me enough to want to ML again.

Reply came at 10:50pm, saying, "Whoa! That's an interesting question to be woken up to! What brought that on again?"

I replied... "Well, you know I will give an unending effort to make us work. But, I think I deserve to know if you're willing to work on us as a couple, or if you're just staying home for the kids. It just hurts to be so in love with you, and not have it returned. I don't just miss us physically, but the intimacy that comes with it. I'll never take it for granted again, given the chance. That's all. I love you."

pressure, pressure will get you divorce papers.

OF COURSE I know it was the wrong thing to do.

then why sabotage yourself??

because you don't have a clue...maybe..see you got to look deep inside yourself to work on yourself..until you do that...then you'll be where you are..

OF COURSE I know I'm applying pressure.

not only was it applying pressure..it was beggy, needy..unattractive...he felt like he got nagged..it was inconsiderate..

OF COURSE I'm sick and tired of living in limbo. At some point, we all have a point where we're not being able to continue in the current conditions. I'm sorry, I'm getting there.

wow..let's see...you registered in November..got and read the books when???...you're almost done?? That may be a record for a Noob..

My plan is to just act as I usually do, have a nice dinner ready, be sweet and kind, etc... The ball's in his court now. If he chooses to ignore it, then so be it. On to PLAN B. Not sure what that is, but some changes need to be made

and here in lies the problem...you view this as a plan...it's not a plan...until you fix you..then you'll continue to be impatient and be where you are..

[AJM]

I think the reality is somewhere in the middle, myself.

This was pressure:

But, I think I deserve to know if you're willing to work on us as a couple, or if you're just staying home for the kids.

Stay away from that if you can. That's R talk. The intimacy part after that is just letting him know how you feel, not asking him to do commit to something. But don't make that a habit because it is a fine line. At least not yet.

You let him know how you felt. Sure it was pressure, but did you notice how the two of you were able to have that conversation? Without blowing up at each other? That's progress. Is it needy? Yes of course. Don't pursue it. You asked. He answered. You let it go at that.

So let it go. Completely. Accept what you see.

He knows how you feel. Let that cook in the stew for a while. Don't beat yourself up about it any longer. You're human too and you were drinking.

That would be how I read this.

AJ

[ernest88]

I think the reality is somewhere in the middle, myself.

This was pressure:

But, I think I deserve to know if you're willing to work on us as a couple, or if you're just staying home for the kids.

Stay away from that if you can. That's R talk. The intimacy part after that is just letting him know how you feel, not asking him to do commit to something. But don't make that a habit because it is a fine line. At least not yet.

You let him know how you felt. Sure it was pressure, but did you notice how the two of you were able to have that conversation? Without blowing up at each other? That's progress. Is it needy? Yes of course. Don't pursue it. You asked. He answered. You let it go at that.

So let it go. Completely. Accept what you see.

He knows how you feel. Let that cook in the stew for a while. Don't beat yourself up about it any longer. You're human too and you were drinking.

That would be how I read this.

AJ

AJM..here is the reality of this board...and I'll lay this out for all of you to see..

there are very few here who post their sitches in their entirity. In other words...most people post the positive..they leave all that other stuff out..or they jump on later and "confess"

Sure it was pressure, but did you notice how the two of you were able to have that conversation? Without blowing up at each other? That's progress.

or maybe..he just had that conversation with her because she woke him up from a sleep...or maybe..he's just waiting, biding his time, playing nice, until he drops the "big one" on her..

So let it go. Completely.

yep..she better do that..quickly

Keep temperature checking..keep bringing up the R..keep seeing "where he is"...and it will get you D papers..

ahh well.."it is what it is"

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

MB--

I thought you had more staying power than that. I guess I was wrong. I am coming up on a year separated and a year here on the forums, but in no way do I consider myself done. I am a little tired and can use a break from life. That is when I know I need to get out of the house more. But quitting on my marriage--nope, sorry can't do it. I made a vow and I intend to keep it. When God restores my marriage He will receive all the glory for His great and wondrous love for His children.

I guess some of the oldtimers are right--people have different limits to what they will put up with for how long. It just seems a shame that with as many positives as you have you would turn your back now. The text was a huge mistake and you know it. You are tackling things like this is all a big game that you can just quit at anytime. Life doesn't work that way. That is why most of us ended up here. Our spouse was not willing to work, just take the easy way out when things got tough.

More and more I am seeing LBS's pack up their toys and go home after only a few months of half-hearted efforts. I guess they are no more committed than their spouses were, it just took them longer to come to the realization. Sad, really, that the family has become so disposable to our society.

Do what you have to. It is your life. We were jsut trying to help you make it the best it could be.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~

[ernest88]

MB--

I thought you had more staying power than that. I guess I was wrong. I am coming up on a year separated and a year here on the forums, but in no way do I consider myself done. I am a little tired and can use a break from life. That is when I know I need to get out of the house more. But quitting on my marriage--nope, sorry can't do it. I made a vow and I intend to keep it. When God restores my marriage He will receive all the glory for His great and wondrous love for His children.

I guess some of the oldtimers are right--people have different limits to what they will put up with for how long. It just seems a shame that with as many positives as you have you would turn your back now. The text was a huge mistake and you know it. You are tackling things like this is all a big game that you can just quit at anytime. Life doesn't work that way. That is why most of us ended up here. Our spouse was not willing to work, just take the easy way out when things got tough.

More and more I am seeing LBS's pack up their toys and go home after only a few months of half-hearted efforts. I guess they are no more committed than their spouses were, it just took them longer to come to the realization. Sad, really, that the family has become so disposable to our society.

Do what you have to. It is your life. We were jsut trying to help you make it the best it could be.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~

Ahhh Laura..you're a good one for sure..

you want to borrow some "wood" from me?? I know you can swing much harder than that..Holy Crap..just think if these Noobs had "batchitt crazy" to deal with they would be locked up in a padded cell somewhere..

and on a personal note..how about sending a prayer up for my dad and VST41's mom..dad..brain tumor..VST's mom 3rd stage Lymphoma..both dianosed yesterday..it's over in the alternate..

as always, Love ya, mean it..

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

Mike--

I am tired of seeing people just walk away--both the initial walkaway and the LBS who suddenly decides to quit once it gets hard to stand. I am to the point now that I am hardly here--too depressing to watch people ruin their lives and their children's lives over gratuitous pleasures and lack of patience and fortitude. I know God is weeping.

Your sitch was crazy and you fought the good fight long beyond what even some seasoned vets would have put up with. I am glad you have VST--she makes you smile which makes me happy for you.

Got your text last night, but had an eye doctor's appointment--dilated the whole works, so I could not focus on crap to answer it. I got the prayers covered for you. Text me first and last names so I can put them on the prayer list at church.

I hardly head to the alternate--I am bad about it. But I will run in later on this afternoon. Love you too, bro!

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[mindfull]

#1 - AJ, sorry to confuse you, but I was not drinking when I sent it... I sent it the night before. I was drinking last night (ok, two glasses of wine, lightweight!)

#2 - SMW - I didn't say I was done. I said current conditions are becoming unacceptable.

#3 - Mike, It kills me that you pop in to pop me one, and really don't offer much in the way of support. OK, I know you have experience in this, and you may have fixed yourself, but it appears it didn't work for your M, right?

I'm tired of being in tears DAILY for almost 18 months. DETACH DETACH DETACH! F*ck, how do you detach when you're reminded constantly (by being ignored, when they're right next to you in bed) that there is no interest?

I came here for support and ideas. I admit when I'm wrong. I haven't taken suggestions, ignored them, and done something completely against them. HOWEVER, I'm human. I hurt.

And, WTF is this...

just think if these Noobs had "batchitt crazy" to deal with they would be locked up in a padded cell somewhere

I can't even read that and understand it. From what I get out of it, I should go f*cking hang myself.

GOD!

SUPPORT? NOT!

[mindfull]

How about, OK, you screwed up, DONT DO IT AGAIN, and let's fix it. Here's an Idea.

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

MB--

I am seeing alot of this, all over the boards, not just you. There is, especially in the sitchs where the WAS is not out the door, an sense of expectation. You are all expecting your spouses to act and do a certain way--the problem is, they are half checked out. They are not capable of living up to your expectations right now.

What if your H had schizophrenia and his personality turned on a dime due to circumstances beyond his control. What if he developed a brain tumor and it affected his memory and recall, making you a shadow in his life? What if he was in a tragic accident that made any type of sexual intimacy impossible for him? Would you walk out on him then? I am thinking not.

I told you a long time, this is not easy and it is not fun. But in the long run, you will learn a lot about who YOU are on the inside, where it counts. You can learn to love your spouse in a way and at a level that amazes even you, and no matter how your marriage works out, you will be able to look yourself in the mirror knowing that you fought the good fight and did all in your power for you, your family, your marriage, and your spouse.

You set yourself up constantly to shoot yourself in the foot. 180s do not produce change overnight. GAL does not produce change overnight. The changes HAVE to be consistent, long term changes that you want to make for you before you will get a true reaction for your H, good, bad, or indifferent. True loving detachment comes when you will still love him no matter what his reaction is, you will not allow him to bait you because you have grown past it, and you will continue to lie your life with the best interest of all in the back of your mind.

Living God's blessigns with grace and dignity~
SMW