I've read on various posts that sometimes a spouse is told that they aren't a good lover. Ouch. My natural reaction is to defend the "bad lover," assuming that both lovers are responsible for making great love, and assuming that each person has a different definition of a good lover. I suggest that the one who judges has also failed by not helping him/her become a good lover.
I wonder if, similar to many artforms, each individual has their own *changeable* proportion of natural talent and experience (not only including things like practice, number of lovers, variety of types of lovers, but also including factors such as abuse, shame, fear).
So, how does one become a better lover? And, how does a lover go about finding out what their partner's desires/dreams are, in his/her quest to become a "better lover"?
My sister and I were talking about her exBF. Sweet guy. He was eager to be a good lover for her. It was predictable... He would turn on the same music, initiate, and then all throughout their LM sessions, he would ask "Do you like this?" "Do you like that?" My sister was so busy processing questions and formulating answers, she could barely enjoy any of it. She didn't want to hurt his feelings or damage his sexuality, so she would give him polite answers (usually "yes," whether that was true or not). Afterward, she wouldn't say anything for fear of hurting his feelings. She endured a bad sex life and he never got any better because of the fear of being uncomfortable.
A couple of ways my sister could have responded come to mind: -Lovingly tell him afterward that his constant questions are killing the experience for her, and that if he needs to change something or do something additional, she'll guide him. (And then actually follow through on that!) -In the moment, deem his search unnecessary by showing him that she's really into it (display more enjoyment)
When I think about practical ways to help a person become a better lover, I start considering porn research (not sure if that's good or bad, as I know it can create an unrealistic vision), practical sex books (static images may not provide the best illustration of how to *let go* in the moment of passion, and just plain practice (which is inherently limited in a monogomous relationship).
When I think about lovers discussing desires, I wonder about the best way and the best time to initiate the discussion. I also wonder about ways to guide that discussion that will help openness flow. Of course, sex therapy is a wonderful forum, but that is not always practical for a couple's budget or for an unwilling partner.
Just thoughts. Would love to hear more ideas on this.
