WAH#3

[AJM]

Thanks! for responding. First, you are right to pick up on his feeling unimportant to me and our life - he's wrong and misguided on that one because of his problems.

Can we just say that you "feel" he's wrong on that and leave it at that? You don't "know" why, although you have an opinion certainly. You feel like you made him important. He feels like you didn't as much as he'd like. At some point, you did make him feel that important. It's why he can't easily walk away like he has with others. What changed?

Since I have met him, my life has been consumed by him because he demands that constant attention.

Consumed? Really? I think you two need some counseling, but my guess is that the truth is somewhere in the middle. Something like: you treated him differently. He felt you loved and respected him. He did something and you began to get comfortable and focus on other things (seems normal to me; life is what it is.) He took that wrong and began doing childish things to get your attention. You pulled away further thinking he needed his space and that he wasn't being fair to you and treating you well. The cycle continued.

He does not feel good about himself because he has made a lot of bad choices which I think he regrets and can't take back.

He has issues. He does. But do you "know" this or are you inferring it? That's important because if you act like that's the case, you are going to get that response. If you're right, you're not helping. If you're wrong, you're not helping. It would help to ask questions at times that are appropriate.

Living with me and the kids reminds him of those bad choices. I really do see his side of things from his perspective as I have listened to it for years - problem is he has never listened to my perspective or my kids' perspective.

Me me me. Enough about you, what about me? That's what I'm reading in that. That's not unconditional love. That's conditional. That may be because you're tired and your tank is empty. I can relate. Believe me.

Do you know he never listened to your persepective? Do you know that the kids remind of those choices and that it bothers him for that? Or could it be that he doesn't see it the same way you do? i.e. he doesn't come to the same conclusion as you and therefore must not have listened? We all do that.

I think the kids just remind him he doesn't have your undivided attention. They don't even remind him, they represent that undivided attention. I think he is needy and insecure. Not because he wants to be, but because he is. I think you may be as well. We all are to some degree.

When you drop him and run for the latest issue with the kids, what message does that send? I'm guessing that's happened and you never gave it a second thought and he didn't say anything at the time. He buried the feeling - alive. His way of dealing with it is to try to get you to kick the kids out. That's not going to work either if you ask me. The reality is somewhere in the middle. I suspect he loves you and craves your attention so much, that not getting it makes him crazy jealous. He doesn't know how to handle those emotions and you see what happens.

Him talking about D is not the same as him giving you the papers. He doesn't want that, but he may not know any other way.

I'm not sure what to do about that information Kassie. I wish I did. I think you just need to know that side of things. The rest will come to you.

You do realize I care about you, right? I really do want to see you be happily married. I do. I put out my opinion for the above with that in mind. Please take it that way and know that I won't be offended if you don't agree. I don't know your situtaion as well as you do. I don't know you or him as well you do. I do see those things as possibilities in your relationship. I do hope it helps even if some of it hurts to hear.

Humbly,
AJ