WAW1

[AlexEN]

I did not write what follows, but the questions being contemplated here reminded me of this post that I had saved as it SO accurately predicted things my wife said to me that it gave great credence to what the author, a "former" wayward spouse had to say... I've added emphasis to the passages I found to be particularly pertinent...

Inside the Wayward Mind

What follows are the words of a woman who had an affair and subsequently examined the patterns (“scripts”) that wayward spouses follow…

On a personal note, I am a former wayward wife who came here on the brink of divorce. By reading the literature on this site coupled with the help of many of the forum members, I have finally begun the process of recovery with my husband. The following thread is my interpretation of the “workings of the wayward mind” to hopefully help you understand the new “monster” who currently inhabits the body of your once beloved spouse. Once you understand your wayward spouse and the way he/she thinks right now, you can then begin your PLAN to hopefully recover your marriage.

Wayward Fog Babble (things ALL waywards seem to say):

1. I love you but I’m not in love with you
2. I have been unhappy in this marriage for a long time
3. The kids will be fine if we get a divorce as long as we remain friends (for their sake)
4. I just don’t feel that way about you anymore
5. The OP (other person) has nothing to do with the way I feel about you now
6. You are a wonderful person, we just aren’t meant to be together
7. I am just confused, this has nothing to do with you
8. I am doing the best I can…I just can’t decide what I want
9. I need some time/space to sort all of this out
10. I need some time/space to find myself
11. I am so tired of feeling this way!
12. Can’t you just accept that it is over?
13. Why are you being nice to me when I do not deserve it?
14. You have never been there for me
15. I am going to file for divorce, I just don’t have the money/time/strength, etc right now
16. I am not going to change the way I feel, why don’t you move out and file for divorce
17. The children will learn to love the OP like I do
18. I can’t help myself
19. Nothing you do will ever make me love you “that way” again
20. My happiness has to be my number one priority
21. I will DEFINITELY divorce you if you expose to anyone or confront the OP
22. You never listened to me BEFORE now; quit acting like you hear me NOW!

And on and on… The justifications of a wayward spouse can be mind-boggling! Wayward “fog babble” can be EXTREMELY convincing, though, especially to the betrayed spouse. The reason for this is because the wayward spouse ABSOLUTELY believes what they are saying at the time. The betrayed spouse has to keep in mind, though, that the justifications are so great for a wayward spouse because it is a defense mechanism to WARD OFF the feelings of guilt and shame that they SHOULD feel. Guilt and shame KILL the fantasies of a wayward spouse, and are replaced with unfounded excuses.

Assertions range from the utterly ridiculous, to the ones that are a complete re-write of history, to the ones that are interlaced with TRUTH about the state of the marriage pre-affair. Example: “You never listened to me (noticed me, etc.) before the affair, why should I believe you’ll listen to me now?” This cuts deep as you realize that the communication (or intimacy, etc) WAS lacking in the marriage pre-affair.

Wayward spouses re-write history…I used to say to my husband “There was no romance or passion between us throughout our WHOLE marriage.” Obviously this is/was fog babble. It felt true to me then because I had allowed another man to enter my life and fill my emotional needs to the point that I felt I was in love with him and that he was my “soul mate.” This statement/belief obviously hurt my betrayed husband very deeply. But as soon as I removed the other man and got through the fog, I realized of course, that not only was it an untrue assessment, but that those feelings could be recaptured.

The distorted and hopefully TEMPORARY "logic" of the wayward... In an attempt to divert the guilt and shame, and avoid all the hard work that a wayward intrinsically knows they will be faced with upon accepting the reality of what they have done, they look at the person they are married to as a scapegoat. They re-write history from before the affair and convince themselves (mostly subconsciously, although some do it consciously) that the marriage was doomed from either the beginning, or the subsequent years following their wedding day. This is actually easy to do, because ALL marriages have their problems. Everyone has flaws, and the wayward focuses on the faults of the betrayed to justify the way they are currently feeling and for the affair itself.

The other aspect is the other person. The wayward sees them as their "soul mate" and tells themselves that "everyone deserves to be happy." Therefore, no matter how wrong they know the affair is deep down inside, they go with the new age vibe that you must "follow your feelings." They see divorce all around them and convince themselves that it is the norm. They see other children who have been through a divorce and say "They are doing just fine," even though those children probably are NOT doing just fine. (Except in the cases where the married home was abusive or otherwise unsafe, etc. In those cases, anyone is better off getting themselves and their children away from an abuser, and with counseling the children may end up OK.)

The wayward can convince themselves of this due to the fact that they are observing from a distance. They do not actively seek to dig deeper and discover that the children of divorce, especially ones with infidelity as a cause, have an extremely difficult time with anxiety, guilt (why weren't we enough), and understanding right from wrong if they are not told the truth about the divorce. They internalize their pain most of the time, so it is difficult to see what they are going through. The wayward truly believes that "if the children know they are loved by both parents, and my betrayed spouse and I get along for the children's sake, they will be just fine." To dig deeper for the truth about the affect of divorce on children would be to vaporize their fantasy world in a very big way.

It is a very scary state of mind for everyone involved. Anything the betrayed spouse does to try to convince the wayward that what they are doing is wrong is met with hostility and the attitude that the betrayed spouse is trying to "punish" them for their wrongdoings.

Unfortunately, for most wayward spouses, THAT is the state of existence they remain in, even if the marriage is salvaged to the point of somewhat peaceful co-existence. It is then the feeling of the wayward that "I have done everything I can...I have stopped the affair, I have said I am sorry a thousand times, I have placated you with flowers and cards, and now you just need to be a strong enough person to get over it!" If the betrayed spouse does not buy into this theory then there is an extended period of time where the wayward spouse and betrayed spouse go round and round in circles, with the betrayed spouse knowing they deserve more than to be placated, and the WS viewing any attempt at real recovery (talking about the affair in full detail, living their lives as an open book, etc.) as punishment or as their betrayed spouse being insecure or needy. Until the wayward spouse fully realizes the extent of their damage and faces their greatest moment of selfishness and devastation to their marriage partner, this will be the continued state of existence.

If and when the wayward spouse finally comes to the place where they can humble themselves and seek guidance as to the extent of their damage, and change their perspective about the affair and the marriage, they can expect a period of depression. It is truly devastating to honestly realize what I have done (switching to first person to speak from experience). The betrayed spouse can actually benefit from this, because it offers a time of re-building the love they have for each other. The betrayed spouse can finally SEE and ACTUALIZE the remorse of the wayward and seek to comfort them, even as they heal themselves. Once this epiphany is achieved, the wayward will be willing and eager to learn all they can of how to comfort their betrayed spouse and therefore learn and grow together. They can re-connect on a deeply emotional level, fill each other's emotional needs joyfully and thus create a loving environment where true romantic love can blossom.

An affair is never a "good" thing in a marriage, obviously, but it can be a huge turning point where the couple can grow and be even deeper in love with each other having weathered the storm of the affair. They will both realize that everyone makes mistakes, but it is not our mistakes that define us, it is how we cope and make amends for those mistakes that truly make us who we are. The couple then feels pride in the fact that they have recovered successfully from one of the most heart-wrenching travesties known to man.

**********

After I confessed and got through withdrawal, and had maintained no contact for months, I STILL wanted to be single. It is part of the defense...always easier to run, than to face the music, be humble, ask for forgiveness and BEHAVE like a husband or wife. Much easier to say "It's over between me and the other person, but I still want to be single...I will never re-capture those feelings with you...you will never trust me again...you will throw this is my face for the rest of my life...etc." Those are all excuses to absolve them of the guilt and shame.