I honestly don't know. I have been at times going over the conversation in my head. Maybe I pushed to much, maybe I should have waited. Maybe he agreed to what I asked cause he really just wanted me to go away........ ?? It's all so frustrating and sad.
Thank you all so much for the support. I appreciate it more than you will ever know. I have to think here, and decide what my next move is, if there is one.....etc......... Ill be back
Once again, I am sorry for the mess that is your H's mind and the pits you are in because of it. As Bagheera said, with him, you're never going to have the marriage you want. I suppose you could go to the extreme of staging an intervention next time he is home assuming there is/are any professional marriage counselor or sex therapist who does that. I can't imagine there is. It just might send him into the "home".
Besides getting into Passionate Marriage I've looked into the same author's Resurrecting Sex. I think about both our marriages as I'm reading. There's a difference between desire and arousal. Your H is evidently capable of arousal, he just has no desire. An odd combination that he doesn't see anything wrong with. It is a huge problem for you and would be for most of us on this forum. Probably worse than the no sex thing is that he doesn't care about your feelings at all. Trivial, meaningless in his concept of what marriage is. He doesn't care if you feel tortured, frustrated, helpless. He's right & you're nuts basically.
Isn't part of marriage wanting the best for your partner? Bringing out the best in each other? He is so not on board for any of that. Why let him damage you further? If you can handle it financially, go. Emotionally you've evidently always been on your own, so what do you have to lose?
Good luck with whatever you decide. You owe no one an apology nor an explanation. And you may get the chance to tell his mother to get stuffed. You are in no way a quitter. You have tried over & over. He may be otherwise a likable guy, but how do you want to live the rest of your life?
Thinking about you every day, Jayce
me: 66 H:60 2 adult sons 2 grandsons adult daughter deceased 5/05 me:Part time trainer H: plant suprv.
All I can advise you is to remain strong, and continue to stand up for what YOU need out of the relationship: your needs ARE valid, worthwhile, and very normal -- don't guilt yourself into thinking otherwise.
You're in our prayers,
Bagheera [/b]
I think I have read this about a 100 times along with a few other comments from Bagheera and others. Thanks for bearing with me.
Suffice to say I am somewhat at an impass. I've been trying to figure out something to send to my H, but I can't bring myself too because I think it's all been said just in different way. I think I have also told myself too many times that " this " is the last time. etc..............
Nevertheless, I am and will send something soon. I just feel like I have to, or I owe it to both of us.
I decided to send it................ I sent a final plea I guess.I needed this for me. I needed to know that I was clear, and I believe I was. I doubt he's going to be very happy today, but I haven't been for almost 7 years, so he can go thru it one more time. Yah, in a selfish mood right now. I guess after writing that I'm also angry. Angry that all this time I had to be so considerate and always make sure what I said was in the right way etc........ Yet I was never given that same respect..... ok Im ranting and Ill feel better later, but for now, Im just grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Im gonna paste this letter I wrote cause I want to post his reply to get feedback and I think I have been not giving him some credit he deserves. No need to read it if anyone finds it to long. I was brutally honest.
))))) LETTER SENT TODAY ))))))))))))
Ive been meaning to write to you since you left, but couldn't muster up the courage to do so, and also, I feel as if everything has been said so much that Im just making things worse. I also think that I have heard your answer over and over and Im maybe unwilling to deal with it. Because of the way these things have been said, or when, Im gonna basically start over. I NEED to be clear for mylsef here. For ME< I needed to do this.
At this point I have assumed that this is the marriage you want. You want me to just stop, and live a happy life with you without sex in it, or intamacy which of course is directly linked. I will not say that I can accept that, but I need to know if this is the case. We are so disconnected that although sex is a high priority, its only one of the things we would need to work on before we found our way back to each other. As now, I do feel I have a roommate and not a husband.
(( Warning, I will be blunt and very honest here, NONE of which is meant to be mean or hurtfull, I just have to get it all out, A final time ))))))
Without talking this thru, as a couple it won't get better. 1 of 2 things will happen. I will forfeit a life without sex or intimacy and we will remain disconnected. Yes, we get a long great for the most part if I shut up, but that's just it. When I do, and I am sure you can agree that I have, and sometimes for years at a time, things are great, but I am in that time not only a roommate, but I am not happy with the situation, and longing for more. Then, #2, I give up one day finally, and I leave. I do not want that.
At this point I really do not see any change happening without help. I think it is beyond our means now. It has been too long. This past October, we had a pretty big fight. At the time I felt good that it had opened your eyes and mine to what had been going on, and what needed to be going on in the future. We decided to write letters. You told me that you would write. It never happened then you stated you did not remember even saying this. H, I can't do this anymore. I can't have my feelings discounted in that way so often. It was hard enough hearing that you for 6 yrs don't remember all the pain. Everything I went thru was diminished to simply nothing. That since you really don't remember it, you don't think it happened. I do belive that without somekind of counselling it won't ever be ok. OK for me that is. We have tried everything else.
A few months ago you sent me an email asking me what would happen if we stopped talking or writing. Lonny, did we ever start?? You sent 2 emails. Then never again.
Now to the book. I'm glad you read it, I am. Im assuming your done cause you said you were at the end. I won't lie, I had expected some kind of talk afterwards. I know we did here, and when I asked about the book and if you had anything to talk about, you did. I was surprised that it was a complaint about me that had nothing to do with sex ect.... Yes, its good it came out if something was bothering you, Im glad we talked. However I had hoped it would cause somekind of discussion about the fact that we don't have sex. We are now in year 7 where I only need 2 hands to count how often we have made love.
As I said, maybe this is you, maybe your content in the way things are. If so, its all on me then.
Forgive me as I will jump all over the place.
I am NOT discounting what you must have gone thru either. I know that in the begining I handled it badly. I don't blame you for being scared to approach me back then. BUT, now is the time to either work for a better future, or to tell me in a clear way that YOU do NOT want sex, you do not want or intend to work with me.
One of the reasons I decided to write today was because of our phone conversation the other day. At the end you said, : I love you. I couldnt respond. I hung up and felt horrible. But I am uncomfortable saying it now. There were years were it was never said unless over the internet on msn or in a card. With the way things are I feel like were both lying when we say it. I really dont know. I just know that I hate what this has done to us. No one person is to blame, its the two of us who need to help each other now. But I cannot do it alone.
The book : Im glad you read it. You said you were at the end so I can only assume you must be done as that was awhile ago. I had thought that afterwards we would talk. When I did ask about it the once, you talked about a complaint you had about me. Im glad we talked about that, and I hope its somewhat resolved for you now. However, I did hope for something on the topic of the fact that we don't have sex. We are now in year 7 ( coming up ) where I dont need more then 2 hands to cound how often we have made Love.
Maybe this is you H. Maybe you don't want more, I dont know. I feel as if Im getting mixed signals. I am hurt, and I am angry, and I think that at this stage I deserve an answer I can understand.
But in all fairness, it has hurt us. I can't change in front of you anymore. I lock the doors, and its only getting worse.
I am looking forward to your response. Say what you feel, and if Im correct in my assumption then I do now feel ok. That I did all I could do to change it. Its ok.
I should have a response tonight. Here it goes.............
Got email read it ,will respond latter little pissed off
That is what I got. Hmmmmmmmmmm I re looked at my letter. I thought it was ok. Now I don't know. Im mixed up here. Where does he get off being angry??? Right now Im doing everything I can do to not send a big NVM and FORGET IT email.
No, no, wait... Give him time! Whatever bits made him angry will hopefully reveal something. That is, unless he is using anger to make you back off. I'd give him time to work on his response.
Diane, Your letter is telling him how you feel about things the way they are. There is nothing wrong with that. You are sharing your feelings with him. When you are hurt and feel stuck, what else can you do?
Maybe he is even pissed at himself over this. You are wanting to try to find a way to make your marriage work, that is a good thing.
I pray that he will accept help in finding a way back to you.
WOW! Can you say spell check on that last 1 of mine.. Ekkkkkkkkkkk Guess I was a tad upset there.
Ill have a response tonight. Dreading it now I will say. This is not going to be good, and I wish I had not sent it to be honest. Should have just let it be and realized this was it.
I'm sure some might disagree with me... I feel that when you're on the verge of walking away, that is a fine time to reiterate EVERYTHING again for clarity and for peace of mind. You've been a sitting duck for a long time. Your letter is spelling it out for him. Now you have to stick to your guns and act accordingly.
You are in no way a quitter. You have tried over & over. He may be otherwise a likable guy, but how do you want to live the rest of your life? 
lol Oh my...