I don't know too much about your history, but I'm reading with interest.
Have you read Passionate Marriage? It could provide a wealth of clues to help you navigate your situation.
Have you had any counseling or sex therapy with your W?
Though you're probably after more practical advice, my suggestion to knock her socks off is to be sure that you are loving toward her in and out of the bedroom and that you work on truly connecting with her during ML. Schnarch's idea of looking into each other's eyes to detect if there are walls may be an idea to try. I would strongly suggest reading that portion of his book before trying it so that you understand the complexities of it.
With regard to practical ideas: -Self care is important. Do good things for yourself (caring for yourself through exercise, grooming, dress). -Maybe you can plan a date that might fall within her interests (eg, if she enjoys art, take her to a special exhibit and then to a romantic dinner). Don't tell her that you're thinking of planning a date to X in search of her validating your plan. Just take charge and do it, even if you're worried that she might not like the idea. (She will LOVE that you took charge, even if the destination isn't her favorite.) Tell her that you're taking her to X on Saturday -- be ready! (Please make sure the details like arranging reservations, getting tickets, and figuring out transportation are taken care of in advance WITHOUT burdening her with the details and asking her preferences.)
A man shouldn't be expected to be a great lover off the bat. And, every woman's idea of a great lover is not the same. You need to find out what your W's sex life of her dreams is so that you have a clue of how to get there.
Hmmm. That last sentiment leads me to an idea for a new thread.
