WAW Affair Confirmed - Advice?

[DCBHM]

Yeah, I think it would backfire on me if I 'exploded' because she is constantly expecting me to and anything I do just proves her preconceived notion right. If I yelled at her about it, all that would do is prove her "right" and I'd never hear the end about what an angry person I am and how OM treats her nice, etc.

The number of times I've raised my voice towards her is probably about 6 or 7 during our 5 years of being in a relationship. Most of those were during the beginning of her EA/PA last year. I yelled once during 2005 when she left the a/c running over a 4 day weekend when we weren't even home and I got a $400 electric bill. I yelled once in 2007 when her phone rang through about 3 or 4 times and she wasn't answering it. I yelled once in 2008 when the sink got stopped up and I had spent the week prior telling her to quit leaving food/gunk on the dishes that were in the sink and to wipe them out before putting them there. I yelled about 3-4 times during her EA/PA, but over the course of about 6-8 arguments we had over it.

I literally can remember each instance I've raised my voice, but she goes on and on about how that is "all I ever do" and how I need to go to anger management therapy because she is "afraid" of me and knows that one day I'm going to "beat the s**t out of her" etc.

And due to the legal situation, I'm certainly afraid of doing anything that makes me out to be a horrible person, etc. as she is alleging. She is already pretending I'm yelling/making threats anyway so I don't need to give her actual ammunition.

I do have a problem with the A, but I'm not condemning her for it. I've made it clear that it is not acceptable, but I'm not judging her for it and am here wanting to work on the M.

As far as moving on, I packed together all her belongings neatly and gave them to her, I changed the locks on my house, I gave her most of what is hers, and I haven't fought her much outside of custody. She said she wanted a D and I said "If that is what you want." I've been pretty good about cutting her loose, but it didn't seem to jar her much, although each little thing got some comment. Such as when I took her house key "but I can't come home..." and the next day she was bragging how she was so much happier not being home. When I took her debit card she said "but I won't have any money..." despite the fact she had opened her own account and had her own money.

I have good self-esteem and don't need someone else to make me happy. She tried to break me down by telling me how everything was my fault, that I treated her horribly, that she never loved me, that I was a bad person, etc. during the initial separation, but once I got the evidence on the A she hasn't done it so much, although she tried prior to our first hearing by bringing up a lot of little things, but even that has subsided.

The only contact we have right now is a few text messages each day strictly about D1, and whatever comes out of our lawyers.

I did set up an IC appointment for myself with a therapist. Going to talk to her about everything, and see if W wants to meet with her, then determine if we meet together.

And I was here in my last M... as soon as the D was final (I was the one who asked for it) my ex-W started showing up at my doorstep half naked and crying and reaching to unbutton my pants and begging to come home. So I've seen how moving on can affect a spouse who acts indifferent towards the M until it is too late.

I've also been in the position of the WAS who doesn't care and then who realizes when the LBS moves on that I wasn't quite through as I thought.

I've made my feelings to her plain. No point in rehashing it over and over. I just need to move on, focus on D1 and my boys, and just go ahead in life. As you say - things will work out better for me either way things turn out with the M as long as I'm moving forward in the right way.

I do appreciate you giving me advice.