WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 5

[AnotherNightmare]

CIPA,

I have read through a lot of your posts and also what other people have recommended to you. You and others are saying that you tried the kind and compassionate route, and it did not work with her. I doubt that you really tried and I want to tell you why...

Let me try to describe one more time what compassion means to me. Compassion to me means leaving behind your point of view when you approach her, trying to be completely open, to fully understand her point of view, to simply accept and respect that whatever she says is her point of view, her feelings, her thoughts and her opinions. It means trying to get, maybe even to feel what causes her pain, to connect with her before you start talking with her, to simply stop stating your own point of view.

If anything you write and how you write about your conversations with your W is any indication, you are still trying to convince her that your point of view is right. You excuse your own behavior with the depression that your C diagnosed and accuse her of having MLC and the typical WAW mindset. Even if this is correct, if it is on your mind when you approach her, you will invariably attack her and she will get defensive. There will be no compassion and it will increase her fear and her urge to just run away.

I get the sense that deep in her heart she does not want the divorce either, but she cannot bear the situation anymore like it is right now. She simply has to end it. She sees and notices your changes, but you are not yet where she would like to see you. Maybe she doubts that you will ever get there. It is more than a whatever attitude. As long as you avoid (which you probably did before the bomb) or attack her (which you are doing right now for not doing what you want her to do), she will not come back. If you want her to come back, you need to approach her patiently and openly, with an open mind and an open heart.

I know that this is extremely hard. You basically have to swallow your pride, ignore your own feelings of pain, anger and hurt, it takes a leap of faith, but in the end that is the only way to make it happen in a situation like yours. She does not have an A, which would require a completely different approach, so get over what she has done to you and try to be the best husband and father you can be. When you interact with her, make her, her wishes, her feelings, her thoughts a priority. When you do not interact with her, make yourself, your emotional and intellectual growth, your own feelings and thoughts a priority. You can do this.

AN