Haya Burt, thanks for the laugh I got in your last paragraph.
I here what you guys are saing, I think--> LOL, I will do my best.
I think now more than ever I am coming around to what you all have been beating me over the head with.
I am a true blue bonehead and I need it to be repeated many times and in many different ways before it starts to get past the bone and make it itno the gray matter.
You have gotten great advice here! Take it. I too was the friendly kind who always spoke first, etc. I had the hardest time detaching. But, it is essential for your own sanity. And, it's the only thing she's gonna notice at this point...it will be a 180 for you as well.
I'll be following along! Keep your chin up!! Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
What if you are naturally the type that likes to speak to others rather than just wait for others to come up and speak to you?
You like to speak, but do you have to speak? This is why they call it 180's. And I am not saying not to speak to her, but let her say it first. I like the joe friday reference that puppy gave.
Update on what happened yesterday, The wife came home with my younger son, I was in the kitchen cookin dinner, She said hi, so I replied with the same.
She then went into a rant about drama at her work with her employees. She has eight employees, two of them gave their notice to quit yesterday. One of them said there is no and has been no proper leadership by my wife. The other said she didn't like the vibe there. Ya, go figure, you see my wife started her buisness ten years ago in our home by herself. Since then she has expanded it up to what it is today. She has been quite succesful. She no longer has to do anything except be the director. She goes in at 9:30 and leaves at 5:15. She can leave whenever she wants to go shopping, volunteer at my sons elementary school, etc. She is also making a considerable amount of money.
So one of the things she says to me last night in her rant about the two employees that quit is that now she only needs to hire one person which saves a huge amount of money that she will now just get in her salery.
Oh great for her, she is now taking home the amount of salery that she was paying an employee on top of what the buisness is already paying her. And I on the other hand go into her buisness at 5am. every morning and work my ass off as the janitor for 2hrs. for $400 dollers a month. Which I am not actually getting that money because we decided it would be best to just use to pay bills. Which this is fine with me because I haven't had a job in several years because I have been the stay at home dad.
But now she wants to kick me out, divorce me, she gets all the benefits of her succesful buisness and I get nothing. Except the loss of my family, facing joblessness, pennyless and bankrupt.
Well, I just listened the hole time and said, ya that's sounds stressfull and kept cooking.
Later after dinner the kids were all wound up and going crazy, not listening and getting ready for bed and she sarts yelling. They still continued, I did nothing but watch. At one point as she has done several times in the last few weeks she says, "I'm over it theyr'e not listening to me you deal with them.
So I just got up and did.
Later after they went to bed she was giving me the full cold shoulder and was speaking to me disrespectfully about the fact that I was just sitting there while she was dealing with the kids and I offered no help. I responded with, I have been telling you for days that we need to work as a team and communicate when we need help. She snaps at me with, you should have known, Well I did know but just want her to see what it's going to be like when I am not there.
Now I had had enough of her disrespectfull tone, so I said I would like to tal to you about this, but the way you are talking is unacceptable so stop. It's as though now she always talks to me disrespectfully unless its something she wants to talk about, which is only to bitch about her buisness, Like she has it tough there give me a break.
Then this morning when I got home from the cleaning her buisness at aboput 7:15, she spoke rude to me again. So again I said they way she talks to me is just disrespectful and I have my personal integrity which won't allow you to speak to me that way.I said I don't speak to you that way so don't do it to me.
She said I am just stressed out right now and I don't want to talk to you, so I responded with, well you said you wanted to be friends right, she said yes. So I said, if we are to be firends we need to communicate and speak respectfully. She said, I don't know why but I just feel like I can't.
Later after they went to bed she was giving me the full cold shoulder and was speaking to me disrespectfully about the fact that I was just sitting there while she was dealing with the kids and I offered no help. I responded with, I have been telling you for days that we need to work as a team and communicate when we need help. She snaps at me with, you should have known, Well I did know but just want her to see what it's going to be like when I am not there.
Now I had had enough of her disrespectfull tone, so I said I would like to tal to you about this, but the way you are talking is unacceptable so stop. It's as though now she always talks to me disrespectfully unless its something she wants to talk about, which is only to bitch about her buisness, Like she has it tough there give me a break.
Then this morning when I got home from the cleaning her buisness at aboput 7:15, she spoke rude to me again. So again I said they way she talks to me is just disrespectful and I have my personal integrity which won't allow you to speak to me that way.I said I don't speak to you that way so don't do it to me.
She said I am just stressed out right now and I don't want to talk to you, so I responded with, well you said you wanted to be friends right, she said yes. So I said, if we are to be firends we need to communicate and speak respectfully. She said, I don't know why but I just feel like I can't.
Great job, I see some slack in the rope, wonder what is going to happen. Dont get discouraged. Also, I would quit that janitor job and find something just for you, maybe you can do a paper route or something. I don't think it is good for her to be your boss. And I get a sense you have a jealousy that she is the bread winner and not you. It is OK I would also. Don't worry about what is going to happen IF a divorce finally comes one day, do not let that be your motivation to do this, you have been the stay at home mom (dad) and stay at home spouses are the ones that usually get payment and custody from their spouses.
So in addition to the morning conversation with the wife I had asked her if she had looked at the retrovi web site.
Back when she dropped the bomb my father told me about it and offered to pay. i told her at that point, about 6-7 weeks ago, she said she had no desire at that point to work on the marriage.
Last week I brought it up again, she said she would consider it after I said we owe it to us and the boys to give our marriage every last effort. She said she would look at the web site and keep an open mind about it. Most likely just placating me though. In addition, she said that she had a big issue with the fact that it was religious based.
So this morning I asked her if she had the chance to look at the website about retrovi. She said ya, but it didn't give enough info for her. She also said she would keep an open mind about the first weekend, but didn't want to commit to the post sessions. She also again that she is totally turned off by anything associated with organized religion so she doesn't know if she would be able to handle it.
She also said she was concerned that my father would be paying, and she didn't like the idea of commiting to it if she dicided to back out of it on the initial weekend and not go to the post sessions if my father was paying. I said then we should pay, she was unwilling to do so.
I also asked her if we could talk tonight about our communication, or really the lack of it. She said we talked enough over the weekend, she was having a bad week so she didn't want to. I said well last night you got upset with me when you felt i wasn't helping you out with the kids, but you didn't communicate that you needed any help. I then said that I told her that all she needs to do is ask for help and I will jump right in no matter what she needs. I said have i said no to doing anything that you have asked and she said no but you should have known I needed help.
I then said that's why we need to have a talk about communication, that's all, no relationship talk or anything, just how we can communicate with each other in a healthy way right now.
She began to get more angry at this point, and said no she didn't want to have a talk tonight or right then.
I said ok so when do you want to have a talk, she said I don't know just not right now or tonight. She then said, see this exactly it you are not listening to me, I don't want to talk, then left the room.
Later in the afternoon when I was poicking up my son and dropping off a salad and cupcakes I made for a party for one of her employees i asked, so did you decide when we can talk.
We then went back and forth about it just like this morning and she walked off pissed off saying I won't just let it go.
What am I supposed to do when she won't communicate in a respectfull way and expects me to read her mind. Especially when she refuses to talk or answer any form of question?
I know I should have not even asked to talk to her, but what am I supposed to do when I am just trying to find out how we can communicate at all?
as far as the janitor job goes, it's not the fact that she is the boss. I have done a better job doing that job than anyone she has ever had, her empoyees and the people that come in every day are the ones who have commented on that. She really recogonizes that, even though she doesn't really show much gratitiude.
For me it's really more about the fact that she built her buisness up in our home for eight of the ten years she has been in buisness and now two years ago she is just starting to make enough money that we as a family would just start being able to reap the rewards of the sacrifice we all made while it was in our home.
So she will be sitting pretty with the ability to just now start to save to buy a home, take vacations and do fun stuff with the money the buisness is bringing in.
I do fully admit I resent her for it. I had to make so much sacrifice in my home with people coming in and out of our house and having no privacy during all those years.
