I admire your strength, but may I make a suggestion? (I will assume you are saying okay...lol.) In response to the comment you made:
Quote:
Even after learning about the A I told her I'm not angry, and was sitting here waiting to work on the M.
I think you are truly trying to show her compassion, forgiveness, and unconditional love. However, if she does not understand these principles then she may see you as being very passive about what she has done to you. As you said, not many people would have took the abuse that you have. Maybe she was trying to see what it took to get you good and mad. Maybe she wanted to see if you would "fight" for the marriage...(in herway of looking at it). Now, I am just speculating b/c I certainly do not know her and how she thinks. I was wondering how I would have felt if my H had shown no anger or much of a reaction and was quick to be very forgiving and not have much problem with the EA. At first, when he confronted me about what I was doing, he was gentle but firm, and told me that I was addicted and that it had to stop. He told me he loved me and that I was very precious to him. However, he did try to lay a guilt trip on me and I came back at him like a cat. I proceeded to just get more sneaky with my computer activity with the OM and the EA. When my H discovered that it was still going on......he exploded on me. I had never seen him that angry before! Anyway, I don't have the answers and I'm not telling you to explode on her by any means, but since you have made your feelings plain to her, I would suggest that you not say that again to her b/c you said yourself that you deserve better. That is the way you need to think and act and it will show through your behavior, speech, body language.....everything. It is not to make you act like an a$$, but to stop being the victim and start being the "winner" in the bad situation. As you also stated, you do not know how much longer you can endure how she treats you......well, maybe you should stop enduring it. Set you boundaries and know what your deal breakers are and stick to it. If you were not already M to her, would she be the type of woman that you would have in mind to spend the rest of your life with? Probably not the way she is now, right? So, it goes back to what I previously said about "time" and "if" she gets better and then approaches you and "if" you would still want to get back together. A lot of "ifs". I understand taking marriage vows seriously, but if she absolutely will not cooperate with you in staying in a MR to work things out and she goes through with the D, then you must move on. I have said it before and I'll say it again that I have heard more WAS say that what got their attention was when their LBS really dropped the rope and went on about their lives, totally leaving them alone. So, I believe if you really put that rope down that you keep trying to hold on to and pull her back to you......and you move forward without her.....you stand a better chance than any other way. But, you must be determined that you are doing this for your sake and the sake of your children and not a gimmick to win her back b/c it will not work that way. She will see through it if it is not genuine. It shows and when it is for real, it usually either scares the WAS and shocks them into reality, or else they are set free as they wanted to be all along. One way or the other, you will have peace in your life if you do truly drop the rope and move forward. That is the only way YOU will be free of this turmoil. You can still care about her and wish the best for her, especially her health, but outside of trying to work some scheduled visitation with the baby......she would be out of your life......all ties cut (except where the child is concerned.....but that is not to become a instrument to be used to keep investing emotionally into her life.)
Just my thoughts for today. Nothing really new that you have not heard many times, but hopefully after hearing it enough, it will begin to make more sense as being the only road to take. You must be a survivor and not a victim......and live your life that way---and as a role model for your children.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
