What's next???? The adventure continues!!!

[Mellenmack]

John,

I would be interested in finding out why your daughter is suddenly interested in going to live with Mom. You don't want her to stay with you out of guilt, either. I'd just be interested to know her reasoning behind it. I don't wonder if she is somehow disappointed that you are letting wife walk all over you. I am NOT saying you are...but to your daughter you might appear to be. She sees that when your wife wants you around, you go and when she doesn't you get pushed to the side. Maybe your daughter is tired of picking up the pieces?? Not sure. Motley Crue..."Girl, don't go away mad...girl, just go away!!" It reminds me of that song, all of our stitches.

I wish I had the answers to give you, Bub. My stitch occupies my time, too. But I am finally to the point that I DON'T CARE. I love him, and I want the marriage to be right, but he doesn't want the marriage to be right. So even if he decides to try to make this work, there is no guarantee. He felt like he had to change into what I wanted. Well, yeah, both of us did, to an extent. My deal was that he was never willing to grow/change. He is still not. So if this is what it's gonna be, then good riddance! But that is HIM walking away from the marriage, not ME.

Right now, I think it's hard for you because you still partly want your old marriage back. That's not gonna happen, and you shouldn't WANT it to happen. You are sad maybe because you know how the marriage COULD be, like I do. But that doesn't mean that our spouses are willing to do their part to make the marriage better. They haven't learned anything from this little episode. Yet. Maybe they will. But WE...YOU AND I...will be better for it, whether they are or not and THAT will make all the difference in the world. In two years...in five years, you will look back and say..yeah, that period of my life sucked...but I am a better person FOR it NOW, EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T REALIZE IT THEN!!

((((hugs))))

Melissa

[Mellenmack]

PS.

I wouldn't bring up anything. If she hasn't filed or filled out the paperwork, then she is still thinking. This only helps you, even though, Lord, yes, I know it is frustrating.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wanting/wishing for a woman who didn't think you were worth it?

Just let it go for tonight. Have a beer. Don't answer the phone because you'll just be tempted.

Stay on the net. Go to icanhascheezburger.com and laugh your butt off. Pray.

PS. Are you on facebook?

Melissa

[Mellenmack]

Puppy,

Are you a cop? How 'bout a Judge? Maybe an accountant? You are just so black and white sometimes and I laugh because I see myself. I'm getting a little grayer though. Have you thought about going to IC for you and then pulling your wife in later. I know you think SHE should go...but maybe the way to get her there is to go first yourself.

Melissa

[Puppy Dog Tails]

No, I'm not a cop, LOL. But I did play one on TV once.

I'm in sales, actually.

[AFWAW]

Mel,
She said she was thinking about it that's all. She assumes we are still getting divorced. I told her that for right now we are not and she got pissed and said I dont' want you guys to get back together? Ok, I got a little upset about this one. I had this conversation with her before and asked her not to say this one again as it hurt me very much. She said she didn't remember. Any maybe you're right, maybe she is tired of pickingup the pieces, who knows? And I do want some of my old marriage back but I also want a new and better marriage with my old wife. And no, I'm not to the point where I don't care anymore--I honestly wish I was as I'd feel a lot less stress probably. We'll see...

[AFWAW]

Ok,
I won't bring anything up. I know she is still thinking but it doesnt' feel like it cause there's no action. No, I don't want to spend the rest of my life waiting--I'm pretty sure I could get another woman--the problem is, I don't want another woman at this point--I want this one. I'm just frustrated and lonely. I am on facebook and myspace as well, come see me!

[Mellenmack]

I think I would still sit down and talk to your daughter again. This time, ask questions, but don't respond with hurt or anger or ask her not to express her feelings/desires. She's just a baby. She doesn't understand and she shouldn't have to hold in what she thinks because of how you will be hurt. As long as she is not hateful or spiteful, she should be able to voice her concerns without you being upset. She's just a kid trying to make sense out of a crazy, effed up world and if she has to hold it all inside....believe me you don't want that either. She'll only learn that what she thinks/wants/believes doesn't matter and she'll become a martyr, too. It sucks to be this way, sometimes.

For 24 hours from now I will change my last name to Mellenmack so that you can find me. I suck at finding other people, lol.

Give me about 10 minutes to change it.

Melissa

[Mellenmack]

Wouldn't let me change my last name but let me put it in as an "old name". Nice. I'm also a member of the Fairhope, Alabama group and The Great Town of Uvalde group. Other than that, I am pretty unfindable. Unless you are in touch with Breakaway or 25mlc. If you are, just let them know and they will let you or me know. (Like it's a great secret society, I know.)



Melissa

[AFWAW]

I already talked with her again. She was being hateful and spiteful. I know she doesn't understand.

On a different note, the wife called me again this morning. She started talking about my daughter but quickly segwayed into a conversation about our date and before you know it was using terms of endearment with me--knucklehead and darling. I know--focus on actions not words. The action here is that she is calling. She also asked if I would be at the gym this morning as she said she would look for me--I told her I would not but hey she wants to see me.

I am very frustrated at this point but am trying to stay focused on the positive improvements. It is difficult though.

So far:
Have gone from not talking to me at all to calling twice a day or more
Has gone from I don't love you and want a divorce to I still love you and don't want a divorce, I just need some time
We have gone out on one date and have another scheduled.

Negatives:
She seems like she's digging in for a while at her apartment with buying furniture,etc and enjoying all the ease of the situation too much.

So, the question is, How do I move this along in a positive manner without pushing and make her want to come home? I know some of it--GAL, PMA, other DB stuff. I am trying sooooo hard to be patient. I know there is a fine line with what you say and how you say it regarding interactions. I want to say and do the right things according to DB principles but have the tendancy to come off like a smart ass sometimes. This is the biggest challenge I've ever faced in my life. I honestly would rather be back in Iraq right now than have to deal with this.

So, any thoughts and/or suggestions? Or do I just need to shut up and be patient?

[marriedCrazy]

I think you should continue to be patient. Whether you like it or not; this apartment is something that she feels she must do. Either because she's obligated by the lease or she is still working out the issues in her head; or both.

Take baby steps toward this bro..

My W moved out the first time last April and she came back home three weeks later. I was more than eager to have her back; but it was rushed. It was improperly handled by both of us, thinking that we could just immediately go back to our M without any introspection.

This time, she's been gone since September and last night; she asked me if we could start dating. I was floored. But we both agreed that the road back home for her; and the saving of the M will be a slow process. We realized that we rushed back into it too fast last year.

My point is that you have to get out and get your mind off of this sitch; it's the best chance you have at getting your M back on track when she's ready. What are you doing to make yourself be a better person and ready for the marriage, should she want to come home? You can't be the same AFWAW that you were before; you know that doesn't work.