Thank you for your post. The last time I talked with ex (2 1/2 hours), I invited him over to the house to talk. I told him it sounded like he needed a friend. He said he was hungry, I told him I would cook him dinner. He told me "No". I said, "that is ok. maybe another time". When we ended the conversation, I told him I would call him the next day, he told me not to. He is not ready for the olive branch.
I will continue to reach out, because I really feel it is a matter of time. My ex has way too much pride right now.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
At least you ladies all know what stages your H's are in LOL. I don't know WTH is going on. A few wks are great, then he'll hit me with the I was just being nice "just b/c"... that doesn't mean I want to be with you, crap. I have no darn stage yet LOL. says he's been unhappy for the past 4-5 yrs, but has only informed me of this 1 yr ago, nd it has been back and forth since then, & in Oct 08 he dropped the Bomb. Wants a D, doesn't want to work on anything, ILYBNILWY crap. I guess I'm still in stage 1, but there isn't any anger anymore, that ended in Jan of 09.
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
Hey Trusting, do yuo have, or have you had a DB coach?
Because sometbing you said struck a chord with me of things she said NOT to do. She said to me, you cannot assume exclusivity to this R anymore, there is another woman now. Also, men dont like to wallow, be made aware or reminded of the mess tehy are in or that they are down. When you feel sick/depressed, but you decide to pull yourself together enough to go into work.. if someone came up to you and said, you dont look well, you ok? you are right back there feeling cr*ppy again, reminded that you dont feel good eventhough you were trying to cope. Men dont like to be made to feel taht way. Its a common mistake woman make. Women like it when people notice we are down and say, hey, you ok? but generally (!) men dont like to be prodded like that, they do not communicate with one another that way.
Also.. she said to shy away from the old dynamics.. he is gone, he's not your problem anymore, you shouldnt sympathise or try and fix or resuce etc. What you need to do is, if they whinge or moan about their life now, or seem depressed.. you should BUILD THEM UP. So, emphathise, say.. "well, that sure sounds difficult for you right now.. but I know you, I have FAITH in you that you will find a way/solution/be ok.." or something along those lines. Build them up, not be their mommy.
I say this as you said...
"I told him it sounded like he needed a friend. He said he was hungry, I told him I would cook him dinner."
.. and did he accept that help in a positive way? No. I can see why you did it, but I can see that all it would do would be to remind him how crap/useless he is, what a failure and how strong you are, just waiting to make it all ok. But he left for a reason (to find himself?) so you have to let him.
So, its not really your place to tell him he needs a friend.. think about it, you say that as you are still attached to him as someone who was his W for many years, but would you speak to a friend like that if they had called you? no.. because they had called you, so you would assume you were a friend on some level, not tell them they need one. Thats like, trying to point out to him what a mess he is in. You could say.. "sounds like you are dealing with alot right now, but I think its great that you are thinking about things/doing x/talking to friends about it."
As for being hungry.. again, "well, I bet you are seeing as you sound like you have alot on today, but you were always so great at cooking x/finding something tasty/etc, I'm sure you'll find something to eat."
See? I know it sounds counterintuitive and you feel you are being 'nice' but its not your place to fix it, that isnt what he wants. That will only serve to make him feel more inadequate.
Plus you cant really go from no contact hardly to expecting him to accept you cooking for him when he is in a mess emotionally and was just feeling sorry for himself.
I'm waffling on and you may already know all of this, so my apologies, but maybe you could consider trying a different tactic if you have anotehr conversation like that with him?
Al x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Hey, that is good advice. I think a lot of times, the LBS got cast (and, admittedly, self-cast) into a Mommy/Daddy role and is now working to shed that role.
It's true--not my problem any more. And you know what? That feels pretty darn good sometimes!!
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Ex emailed me today asking if I would like to have the kids on my birthday, which is Saturday. He said, "even though it is my weekend with the kids, it would be rude of me not to ask you if you would like them on your birthday... Just checking in, ex"
I did not respond yet. A 180 would be for me to say something like, Thank so much for the offer, however I have made adult plans.
Ex always complained that I was "too much into the children" and I did not ever want to do any adult things.
I really am quite busy that day. I have to work 10 hours.
Any suggestions?
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
