WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 5

[confusedinpa]

"Then she said that I was starting to get mean and nasty. I told her we would be kidding ourselves if we thought a divorce would be nice and easy."

Well you had to let it out and I don't blame you.

We'll see how things turn out in the morning.

When she said I was starting to get mean and nasty, it wasn't about my tone. I wasn't yelling or screaming, I was actually crying. It is something I still haven't gotten a handle on. I don't cry when I talk about her and I and what is happening. I only cry when I think about my kids. It was a tough conversation for me as I used about 1/3 of a box of tissues in the hour we talked.

I'm pretty sure she was referring to that she felt the things I was saying was mean and nasty. That she wasn't putting the kids priority first.

Another thing that came up was that I had asked her mom if we can chat. We were going to try and have lunch during the week. I normally NEVER talk to her mom - she's too touchy feely and felt she was so nosy that I didn't want her to know my business. I was going to talk to her just to let her know my side of the story of saving the marriage, but wanted to make sure I could still call her if I needed any help with my kids.

She asked what I wanted to talk to her mom about. She threw it out there in the middle I think to try and derail me. I told her that it was to ask if she would be willing to help me if I needed any help with the boys. My wife said that I could always call her. I then told her I knew that but wanted to make sure I had a full support structure to make sure I would be able to take care of the boys and the home. That was when she dropped the why am I saying I so much.

Throughout the entire conversation she didn't say too much after we got off the B'day party discussion. When I started talking about how her decision to get divorce was not putting the kids as the first priority, she stopped talking. I would pause at times and ask her what she was thinking or feeling. She would just say she was just listening. Once she sad she was mad. Another time she said I was starting to get mean and nasty.

Another time after I had gotten up to get a new box of tissues, I stayed standing for a bit, and she asked me to sit down as she felt I was trying to over power her (sounded very text book, wonder where she read that one). I appologized and sat down, but didn't ease up.

The only other question of substance is she wanted to know what my buddy up in CT said when he commented about my changes. I told her he saw that I was much more relaxed, no longer on a hair trigger, more verbal/talkative and engaged. This is a guy that nows me better than anyone else as he grew up with very similar experiences as I did starting the second year in HS.

I told her that I know it was weird saying that as I know that my wife should be the person that knew me better than anyone. I told her that as part of my changes, I recognize how I was afraid and/or embarrased to share things about me. I see that now, which is why I've been sharing so much with her. I shouldn't be embarrases about my past. They made me who I am and I not only survived, I thrived.

The odd part of it was this morning started like any other morning. She woke me up. We both got ready in the bathroom. We talked and joked around about various things. If anyone saw us, they would have no idea we were in a midst of a divorce.

I was tempted to just give her the cold shoulder or ask her if she has given our conversation any more thought, but didn't want her to think I was going to "hammer her into submission".

I may bring it up the next time she brings up custody, which will be soon since we have a mediation hearing on Monday. She usually asks if I had given it any more thought. Perhaps I should reflect it back to her about if she has given what I said about the divorce any more thought. In hindsight, I should have ended the conversation last nite with the comment that I want her to think about it.

The only difference this morning than any other morning was the hug and kiss. I wanted to but trying to give her one wasn't an option. I gave my youngest an extra hug and kiss instead. It felt so much better than what I've been feeling with my wife.