He spent Monday in the hospital. We went by after work for just a few minutes and then the baby and I went home.
Tuesday he doesn't tell me anything all day. The baby and I go see him and he asks if I can start getting his stuff together because he is being released (but he has his cousin coming to take him home.) lmao. whatever. so i help out. go get s13 from base and take him to the house. help out a little bit, wash dishes, ended up staying til 8 or so, and was aggravated that I let the time get away.
Wednesday. Drive by after work but the other girl is there. So of course I keep going. I was on the phone with his mom at the time, so I let her know, too. She wasn't happy. I got home and texted him if he had been working on the divorce paperwork or not and of course he said no. he asked if everything was the same. (meaning the terms we agreed to in August). I texted him that if he would give me his home email address, I would send him the paperwork and that no, everything was NOT the same. Then of course he panicked!! Then he wants to talk. I told him we have talked til we are blue in the face. He wants a divorce, and I don't. It's quite plain. He says can we talk tomorrow at lunch and I say sure.
So then Thursday his parents are on their way to see him (5 hour drive) and I went to see him at lunch. Ya'll would be proud. I managed to stay calm, and to THINK about what I was saying. Don't know how I managed that but am extremely proud that I DID!! And I told him that I felt different about his retirement now. He was mad because previously I have stated (years ago) that I didn't understand some women chasing after their H's retirement. Basically, I have mixed feelings about it. I don't think it's always right that women are entitled to it, but I also don't think it's right that men think they can just walk out on a marriage and not at least try. There are other feelings I have about it, but I am not going into it here, unless somebody wants argue over it. I told him that I took care of the kids and the house every time he has gone tdy or been out to the missile field. I have taken care of the bills. i have done everything he has asked of me, moving to another country, staying here for 8 years, seeing him through 2 ATV accidents now, etc. I told him that it hurt that everything I have done is basically not worth anything in his eyes. It is just one more notch of me feeling like what I did didn't matter, and that what I did didn't matter to him. "THERE IS A REASON WHY I FELT THAT WAY" I wanted to scream!! And you sitting here telling me that I didn't do anything to help you earn your retirement VALIDATES AND CONFIRMS THAT YOU THINK I DIDN'T DO SH!T FOR YOU. I didn't yell it, but I did say it. I also reminded him that we had been contributing part of his pay to the thrift savings plan. And I asked him "What did we do for me?" Oh, wait I remember, Melissa's check went to cover BILLS that YOUR paycheck didn't cover because you were out buying BOOZE and GUN PARTS. Of course, I did NOT say that. I simply asked the question and the silence gave the answer "nothing". I reminded him that I still had student loans against things that I no longer used...like an air conditioner in the house and a new roof among other things.
Then he mentioned something about my parents not calling to check on him. I told him they had called me. His feelings are hurt. I told him they are upset and disappointed about the other girl. He said he is tired of being persecuted for her. "And your dad was not receptive to listening to me when I came back from Iraq and wanted to talk about what was wrong. He told me that you had made up your mind and I needed to deal with it." Well, no, Dad wasn't receptive to him and there is a reason why. I AM THEIR DAUGHTER. Only one. Only kid. I could murder him in front of my parents and they would still say "We love her. She is our daughter." Mom says she doesn't want to talk to him now because she is tired of him trying to tell her how righteous he is and how wrong I am. I dunno. And he doesn't get it.
and it's hard because my parents never really like him anyway, I guess. I dunno. They did their best, but now he feels like it was a lie. Like they loved him, but now, because of this, they don't.
So much drama, sometimes it seems like too much to get through.
I talked to his mom Thursday night and she was disappointed over the retirement thing...and I just...told her how I felt. "He thinks you're doing this to get him back"...well, if I wanted to get him back, this was not the way to do it, I'm not dumb. But he asked me a question and I gave him an honest answer. I'm sorry it's not the one he got in August, but in August, I was leaving him, now he's leaving me. There's the difference. I told him I have a trip to Seattle in June and that I was going to Point Clear in July. And that when I get back, I expect us to be CLEARLY moving in one direction or the other. Hung out for awhile Saturday and most of Sunday.
LMAO. He took me to OW's friend's house, if ya'll can believe that, and of course I went because it lets them know that there is still something between us! And they can't tell him squat about it because then he will be on THEIR butts to be nice "can't we all just get along" lololoololllol.
I told him I felt like he was stuck. That it's like he is on the fence. And he said he feels stuck. I told him I thought he would continue to feel stuck until he moves one way or the other. That all he thinks about is the bad stuff, because we haven't done any NEW stuff to replace the bad stuff with. That hit home a little bit. I told him I'm not saying let's move back in together tomorrow. I don't think that is the right thing. But to at least just take a baby step in that direction.
Anyway. So that is my drama update. I have not really been pursuing. Have texted a few times to see if he is doing okay but generally no more than once a day if I haven't heard from him. We'll see.
I think he is going to want to stay together, but I think he is not going to be willing to do some things differently. Not sure I can go back to the drinking as much as I think he is drinking. Can't go back to coming in second to his friends and other "more important" stuff. Gotta have us time and gotta have family time away from everyone else. Have to feel like what I want/need matters. And right now, I know it doesn't.
Melissa
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
