Next time you should have just texted. "sorry to hear that." and that's it.
The thing is that you don't want to put yourself in the position of being an enabler or the problem solver. Sounds like he just wants to be heard and again trying to get attention.
His crabby response to you was extremely immature and he has no one to blame but himself. He knows you are there for him, so that's a given. You don't have to keep giving yourself to him.
You did deserve a proper apology and most importantly RESPECT. He's got to go through his journey himself. Let him grow on his own.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I have used the "sorry to hear that" on several occasions, but I just didn't feel it was appropriate this time. I really did want him to know I was there for him. He rarely opens up or even makes himself seem vulnerable, so I was actually shocked that he even told me that. I WANT him to open up to me, and I don't want him to think that I don't care. I am not solving anything or doing anything for him....considering I hardly talk to him or see him, and I am of course going to let him deal with whatever he is dealing with on his own.
I am trying to now take the approach of treating him like he is just a friend. At this point, I am going to try everything left that I have not tried already. I am in a position where I have a court date. Its not just up in the air, I am not waiting to be served, its here and about to be done. Nothing I have done in the last 6 months has made much difference (except for that I stand up for myself more which is a positive), so now I am at a point where I am journaling so at the very least, these last 2 months I can monitor what is working and what is not.
Most days I feel like giving up, but its not in me to do that. All I know is he isn't as rushed to push the paperwork through as much as he was even a month ago, and he is finally admitting that things in his life are messed up right now instead of giving me the impression that he has no heart. We have separated, I have GAL (alot!), I have stopped pursuing, Ive done everything that I think I could have done. Time will tell now
Ah but the fact that you WANT him to come to you for help. That's pursuing in a different way. You mentioned that you've told him repeatedly that you're there to talk, but he doesn't take you up on it. So he knows you're there. HE has to make the effort to open up since we can't make our spouse's do anything.
My W is the same way. She keeps everything to herself. But just this weekend she opened a little and that's all I needed to pry open what's been going on. But she had to make that little effort.
Same goes for your H. Since he's slowed down, if you want your M, then maybe you should too. Just a bit. Stay ahead of him, but not so much that there's no turning back if that's what you ultimately want.
So the question really is...what does Jenn want?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I get asked what I want alot, and it feels like a loaded question.
Honestly half of me wants my M and the other half thinks that it will never work anyway and that I could find someone else some day that could actually make me happy. He has made no effort or said anything to indicate he has changed his mind, so to me it seems impossible in that way.
Its hard to say, I go back and forth with it alot. These last 2 months I have just planned on moving on, and started envisioning my new life, trying to figure out where to get an apartment, etc... then he comes back around again and does something to make me think there might be a chance. I guess I have not given up on us completely, but I dont feel like I am in it 100% anymore. He has continued to push and push me out of his life so I started adapting to that.
I dont know if any of that makes sense, but its how I feel.
Just this past weekend, my W opened up just a little which is a big deal for her. So, of course, I jump all over it and am happy, think we have a closer shot, etc.
Then yesterday, she's all cold and distant again. It's hard, it really is. But I made a decision to stick it out and that's what I'm doing for better or worse.
So you can either leave or stay. If you choose to stay, then you're going to have to be willing to accept everything that comes along with it and go along with the idea that in the end, all your efforts could lead to nothing. I think that's where you are at right now.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I'm glad that your wife finally opened up to you stuck, after all this time- it must have felt great to you. I'm sorry for the disapointment and I hope that she opens up again very soon.
Sometimes I wish I lived with H so we could actually communicate, but for my sitch it was probably best he left
Remind me again how your W chose to come back after separation? What were u doing and how did she approach you? I remember u said it had something to do with your child but I didn't know if there was more to it in terms of the work u did.
Its so hard to stay positive when they say things like "marrying u was a mistake" or "I don't feel the same and nothing is changing for me"
I know we arnt suppose to listen to what they say, but we still hear it and it still is etched in our brains. He said the mistake thing to me today and it set me off (oops) yes, I cussed him out and hung up on him. I guess it happens and I don't really take it back because it felt good to get it all out of my system. He deserved it. Not very db of me, I know.
Anyway he called me 16 times over and over after I hung up. Finally about 2 hrs later I answered and we ended up talking for an hour and a half. He opened up somewhat, and said he didn't mean for what he said to come out that way (him making a mistake) and that he doesn't really think that, he was just upset, etc etc.
He said that he is failing all his classes, work is too stressful, dealing with all the things between me and him, finances (economy, affording our house payment is getting hard) he told me that he just doesn't feel any different about me then he did 6 mths ago and that he can't be the husband I need him to be. He said that there is someone else out there that can give me everything I deserve cause he can't do it. He said he is embarrassed to be 28 y/o living with his mom and on and on. So basically he is miserable and blames me for all his unhappiness.
He told me it was time to list the house up for sale, hearing that sucked.
So it ended up being a pretty emotional afternoon for me. Thank goodness I will be leaving for out of town tomorrow for a few days. I will have to see him for a split second tomorrow to give him the key to the house (he will be watching my dogs for me)
Even my very best friend of 8 years today said "jenn, I know u may not want to hear it, but I think its just time u try to move on." Things are getting worse and u have been nothing but sad and stressed out" And she knows my H very well too and loved him just as much as she does me. This coming from her is pretty surprising cause she has always been about us reconciling.
I'm just babbling now again. Had to get this all out.
So its H's birthday tomorrow. What should I do? I was just going to call or text and just wish him a happy birthday. Didn't plan nothing else. Is that thr right thing?
