Oh, what a night!!! I am trying to assimilate it all.
I gave him my letter when he came home from work. I know he felt like I slammed him, but there was no gentle way to get this started. His initial reaction was what did I know and where did my information come from. I will never say. He denied everything and wanted to know who set him up. I told him he did it himself. I asked him to talk to me. I told him if he wanted a divorce that he should do whatever made him happy. No response. That was round 1, he had to go next door and help my parents.
I then put dinner on for the kids. He came home to get some tools and so I went to the garage for round 2. I told him about the latest e-mail which my daughter found (which is about 3 weeks old at this point). I discussed the part where the OW said I love you and my H said he was there for her for better or worse. I told him how devasted the kids were. How they wanted to know if I had talked to him and whether or not we were divorcing. I told him he put our son in a lousy position by asking him not tell me about his e-mail with the OW. He didn't comment too much. His reaction at that point was a question if I had had a friend of mine, who is a federal special agent, have him followed. Well, he had to go back to my parents and I did house stuff. I was in the living room when he came inside to eat. I let him eat in peace. After he ate he went out to do pool maintenance. So I went and sat by the pool for round 3.
I told him I was not the enemy and that I only wanted him to be happy, whatever he decided. Finally, he sat down and tried to explain his story. He said he met the OW online and that the relationship evolved for about 5 months, hmmm. He said if I had him followed that the only thing they did was go to dinner. He said when they met for dinner, she told him she was breaking it off and was going to counselling with her H. That counselling thing was mentioned in their e-mail. He said that the week before he left here to go there last time, our relationship was soo much better and he thought he would break it off with her, but she beat him to it. Yeah, well, talk is cheap. He said the relationship started innocently enough but became intense, he wouldn't expound. I was apprehensive to ask about his online women by name because I thought he would figure out that I had his password. So I mentioned only one name, the one where she asked him if he was really separated from his wife? I thought he had had dinner and sex with her as well. This blew his mind because he said she lived in England. That I do really believe because she talks about places like Derbyshire and her writing is a little different. So, I guess the sex and dinner thing was fantasy?? Anyway, I kept questioning everything he said because he was couching his words and I didn't trust him especially based upon his e-mail. He said he loved me, he didn't want to divorce. My head is ready to explode at this point. We go inside. I took a nap in my chair, he watched TV. I went to bed, he stayed in front of the TV. I couldn't sleep.
I got up for round 4. I told him I couldn't sleep. I asked him if he was willing to give up all of his online women. He said yes. I asked him if he was willing to go to counselling. He said yes. Blew my mind!! I sat down and we talked. He let me know that my behaviour that week before he left was inspirational and made him want to improve the marriage. I told him that Michelle's book was the reason for my changes. He said several times during round 4 that he wanted to read the book. Blew my mind!!! He then went on to open up. He was not happy with round 3. He said I wouldn't let him talk and that I challenged everything he said. He was right. He talked, in great detail, about how he saw the state of the marriage. He talked about my behaviour toward him. I think he was right on target, a perspective which I was not open to prior to reading DB. He talked about his online stuff. He said it was just fantasy, BS, a cheap thrill. He said the OW was the only woman he had met. Well, I still have trouble with that one. He said he wanted me to travel there with him as often as I can, that's why he brought all the tour books last weekend. Then, he offered to give me his e-mail password. I declined ( of course I already have it.) Before I went to sleep, I told him that maybe I did want that password. He changed his mind about giving it to me -- something about are we really getting to that point?
I asked how he was going to talk to the kids. He said we should do it together and explain that we are reconcilling with the goal of improving our marriage and our family. Blew my mind again!!!
My head still wants to explode. I asked him if he told his online women that he was single. He said no, he never denied that he was married. I did not chime in that I knew he said he was separated. And, he has still denied having sex with the OW. I don't believe it. And as far as the e-mail thing, well I still do have his password, I just hate this snooping stuff. I did check his mail this AM. He did receive a note from the OW, I didn't open it because it would show that on the status screen, but the title of the e-mail was Good-bye Love.
This morning he took me in his arms, held me and tried to assure me that everything would be alright.
I feel like puking.
Any thoughts????? I am sooo grateful for all of your support, please don't give up on me.
[This message has been edited by mare (edited 04-28-99).]
