I apologize for not getting back to you sooner. My computer crashed and we had all kinds of problems getting it up and running again, plus I have not felt very well and could not post very often. Anyway, I have just finished catching up on your stitch and see the hardship and heartache that you are going through with your S11 (mostly). Since he has some physiological problems (I hope I said that correctly), I would want to get an expert's advice. The Psychologist should be able to tell you how to deal with his moods and behavior and how to answer those tough questions.
I remember that with my son, he was closer to me than his dad for a long time, but it was mostly b/c his dad did not chose to spend quality time with him after he outgrew his baby stage. I was surprised b/c I thought my H would be the perfect father and delight in having a boy. It seem that our son reminded my H a lot of his younger brother who use to irritate the daylights out of him while they were growing up. He would make comments about how our son was so much like his uncle _____. He was hyper active but I just thought he was being a normal boy! Anyway, when he was 11 years old, as I recall, he did tend to be closer to me and I think it was b/c we were more on the same "keel" or wave link or like-personalities or whatever you want to call it. My H and our daughter, on the other hand, were more alike and have always been closer. I am no doctor, but I think around 11 is a hard time for sons b/c they are making that transition from being close to their mothers and feel like maybe they need to kind of pull back some to become more of a man? I don't know.....that is just some of Dr. Sandi's theory. But I do know that your S11 is having a terrible time with this stitch b/c it is "his" stitch as much as yours. I would even be leery about telling you how to go about disciplining him if he is seeing a psychologist. I know what I would do if he were my son and talked to me and disrespected me like your son has you! But, that is two different situations. I think on one hand he is very fragile and is having a detachment problem from his mother almost like a baby being weaned from his mother. Also, he is angry at you b/c he expects you to "force" her to stay in the family. He sees you as the head of the home (which is good) but he thinks if you can "make" the children obey you, then you should be able to make his mother obey you as well. He is desperate and afraid. His moods and anger is something that I would get expert advise about how to handle. I wished I could help you so much! I can only imagine how horrible it must be. But, I will say this much, Song. Please, please do not stop seeing your S11 "less" than you are at this time. I do not believe that is the answer. The less you see him, the more he will cling to his mother and HE WILL BE A MAMMA'S BOY! You do not want that and neither will his "future wife" want that (trust me). I think he already is on the verge of being a strong mamma's boy and he will probably end up choosing between the two of you b/c at his age, he thinks he has to do that b/c he does not know how to balance his feelings for both of you while you are living in different houses. So, he needs you desperately in his life to show him how to be a young man. Yes, that puts a lot of pressure on you, but God will help you b/c He wants your sons to become good men also. Both sons need to see their dad as human but also a strong man. I realize you don't have the answers to all their questions and I wouldn't either. I know I would have exploded just as you did that night your S11 acted so badly. It was wrong, but I would have reacted the same. I cannot tolerate a child being disrespectful to adults and using their "moods" or bad behavior to control the adults or situation around them. I even wondered at the time of that posting if S11 might be doing just that, but then I remembered that you had said something about his "development progress", so I backed off that idea. If his development is delayed or he is a little more immature that others his age, that could answer the problem with wanting to stay with his mother over wanting to be with you. But again, please don't see him less b/c of that. It will only make matters worse.
As far as the things your wife has said to you.....I said some of the very same things to my H when I was wanting to leave. She acts cold and won't talk and is mean to you b/c she is trying to get you to turn lose of her. She will continue to get meaner if you don't back off or as FIB has said.....turn her lose. Song, if you can just turn her over to God. If you can just put her in His hands and turn the entire stitch over to Him, then you will be able to find peace. Until then, you will continue to be miserable.
My prayers are with you, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
