"I don't wanna spend my life jaded, waiting...

[theotherhalf]

don't have to ask myself why I am doing this. Like I said last night. I have NO other option right now. NC is what is best for me right now in order to find me again and to heal from these last 2 years of pure hell. I am not to worried about him asking anything right now. He's really staying away completely. And for my H it would show weakness or that he cares to ask, something he won't do. At least I don't think so. But I did wonder what to say if he does. And worried that he might take this "new" me as trying to punish him or playing games.

thanks naej

[peacetoday]

OH
I think many of us here are about the same time lines
2 years since bomb
I too have gone limited contact
at first I think I did it as another tecnique
but now I am stronger with little contact
nothing to get sucked back into
I do not see my H coming back
I have a choice to either wait indefinitely ( we are D)
or move forward
My H doesnt ask why I am so distant as Ive been so available the last2 years
I think he realizes I am done
he is living with OW-I told him we cant be friends and I cant for now
If your H asks, maybe you can say what you said
I am moving forward with my life
Peace

[theotherhalf]

thanks peace, I wish you all the best
TOH

[theotherhalf]

update...

I feel like I hit my head about a month ago. Somethings have really changed for me. I am no longer questioning life. I am no longer sitting here in miserey. I go to bed at night not wishing to never wake, looking forward to a new day and all it has to offer. The last couple of weeks I've REALLY enjoyed myself. I am going out, having a wonderful time, and not dreading coming home. I have strong suspisions that H has been spending time with OW again, and for once in 2 yrs, it's not killing me. I don't actually think I am going to die if they spend the night together. (exagerating, but almost has felt like that)

I am trying to quit smoking. HURRAY!! I am planning D17's graduation. I am enjoying work. I am having a blast with GF and the 2 guys we've been going out with. I am laughing again. I am working on some of my negetives and learning to be different. I am trying new things. I am exploring, sometimes maybe even looking forward to options for my future.

H continues to stay away for the most part. He did stop Thur morning after work. We had a good visit. THIS time it did not hurt when he left. Other than the hurt I feel for him. He did call Friday night (late and drunk) first two calls I did not answer. The last I did. We just talked about stuff that happened in town that night. Last night he called again, well this morning. He called twice and I did not answer. He left VM's. The first one he said "thought maybe you wanted to come watch this movie with me, but whatever, bye". Second one he sounded so sad and said "hello!!, k bye". It broke my heart. And I've listened to them more than once. But he was drunk and I feel sorry for him.

As for the guys GF and I have been going out with. I am a M woman regardless of the sitch. We have been doing NOTHING wrong. We go out, pay for our own, have a great time, and at the end of the night say thank you and go our seperate ways. (BW is his intials) BUT! I've felt a spark for BW for a long long time. It meant nothing because I was M. Never really spent too much time with him, just what little I seen him at work. Now? I could be in trouble. He's cute, he's a gentleman, he's funny, he's shy, he's kind, he's gentle, he's good. We have so much in common. He farms, he's like the cowboy without the horse (horses scare me). He's 3 years older. He's D and been so for 5 yrs. In other words, I could fall for BW in a heartbeat. But, yes I'm still M. And I am not sure at this point what BW feels. Sometimes I think he likes me, other times, maybe I'm kidding myself. I don't think he will pursue too much until I am D. I guess at this point am I in danger of falling for this guy? Absolutely! Will it become more? Not until there is a D. But for right now, if nothing else. I am having a blast. I am seeing first hand what life "could" be like, what it "should" be like.

How do I "feel"? I am happy, sad, excited, confused, worried, nervous, strong, hopeful. I am really thinking of filing for D after graduation. I still strongly believe in M, in my M. I still love my H and probably always will. I feel sad for him that he couldn't change. That he refused to "believe" in so many things. That his life has turned out this way. I feel sad for him and his choices that he's made, and where I think he is headed. I feel sad for what could have been. But finally my eyes are wide open and I am letting ALL of that go. I no longer will live like I have been living the last 2 years. Really the last 25. I see my H hurting over the thought of me moving on. I see him second guessing his choices. I see him in drunken eyes wanting me back. But I don't see him changing. I don't see him making the changes HE needs to come back home and making a different life with me. I've been sitting here thinking why am I still M? I am flat broke and spiralling downwards. And I don't have to be. I could sell this place and find one that I could afford. Sure I REAALY REALLY don't want to live in town, but it may not be forever. I could then be out from under H's thumb. I would no longer have to rely on him for anything. I have been holding on to this place for H more than anything. So that he could one day return. I don't have hopes of that anymore so why continue? I guess we'll see what the future holds.

So if he came to me today and said "T, I am so sorry, I want to come back home". Would I let him? No, I don't think so, not anymore. I don't want to EVER go back and live the life I have led. Not saying I regret our life together because I don't. H was my best freind and I love him very much. I am so thankful for our years together. But he drinks too much. He is so miserable in the choices he's made and the things he has done. He is still so selfish and may always be. He is still so angry and trys to play it off on me or others. (I know where the REAL blame lies) He still refuses to communicate with me. Don't know if he even can. OW is still there and has been for over 2 yrs, but yet still in hiding. He is a coward. He is weak. He cannot "man up" to what he is doing and what he has done. I think that whatever woman ends up with him, whether it be OW or another, will pay for his choices. That woman will not be me.

I don't want to waste any more of my life "babysitting", I don't want to go through life hurting, questioning whether or not he cares, I don't want to worry any more that I'll say or do the wrong thing. I want to feel loved, respected, and appreciated. I want to feel kindness. I want to be given back all that I can give. My H can not do that anymore.

Sorry this is so very long. Really needed to get some of this off my chest :- Thanks to those that read and listened to my
ramblings.
TOH

[job]

TOH,
I'm pleased to see that you've finally gotten to the fork in the road of your journey..see once you dropped the rope and put the focus back on yourself, you've come to realize that life is good. Congratulations!

TOH, it took a long time for you to come to realize that your happiness did not depend on your h. You are a very strong and independent woman and life is starting to open up to you once again. I'm glad to see that you are going out and having some fun and look at you! Enjoying work too! I'm very, very proud of you.

As for your h, until he leaves the bottle and ow alone, he will never find that happiness that is within. He's self medicating and that's keeping him from doing what needs to be done. It's very sad, but there's nothing you can do for him. He has a lot of work to do. You, on the other hand, faced your pain and have worked through it. Sure, you are going to have some down days, but they won't be as bad as they were in the beginning. You've come a long, long way.

Take care of yourself and enjoy planning your daughter's graduation. Make it extra special for her and for you.

[theotherhalf]

thank you very much snodderly. your encouragement means alot to me. and your right, as sad as it is, as much as I hurt for my H, I do know now that there is nothing more I can do for him. And I'm no longer willing to sacrafice my health and happiness for him anymore. I love him, I wish him well, I pray for him, but I do believe that it is over between us. I really don't think he will ever take responsibilty for his own stuff, I don't think he can.

And I do have my moments, my days. But there's always tomorrow and life is good!

[job]

TOH,
I need your help. Would you please come over to Sunshinelewis' thread and post to her? She needs to hear it from someone who had a difficult time of letting their spouse go for a bit. You've come a long way and it took you a long time to understand that you've got to let them go and live your life to the fullest.

I think you could offer her some very good advice and maybe, just maybe she will listen to what you have to say.

Thanks!

[a new 2moro]

TOH, well written to SSL! And Kudos to you for saving yourself. I know I was hard on you, but it was hard to see you suffer the very pain I had when i thought I could spare you some of it.The 2 x 4's were really truely out of love and concern. You filed?

[job]

TOH,
Thank you for posting to sunshinelewis. She needs to hear it from someone who is going through it right now and who has overcome the obstacles and is seeing the other side. Your posting was spot on and I do hope that she will read it and come pay you a visit.

You are doing beautifully and you are right where you should be at this time.

Again, thank you for posting to her. I do hope that you are having a beautiful day!

[glamgirl]

WOW TOH I am impressed. It seems you have truly stepped back and have a new perspective. I remember when you first came to the boards, you were so sure your h was different and he would be home soon. That is the true reality, we all thought our h's would wake up from this awful nightmare and just come home.

I wish that your h would have done that, but most need time to sort this all out. Doesn't mean he still won't come home, just means HE is not ready yet.

You sound good TOH, keep working on yourself. That is what is most important. Hugs!