It's automatic when you feel it

[Jayce]

Cinco, if you are sure your W does not know about your affair, DON'T tell her. If you do, it will be a huge betrayal to her and give her the best excuse yet not to have sex now or any time in the future. Plus you get to hear her tell you go to to someone else if you want it that bad, since you've done it before, etc, etc, etc, AND she will not tell you to leave. She gets financial support plus she gets to hit you over the head with it any time she needs to get at you for some reason.

If there is a chance she does know and hasn't mentioned it, let it lie.

It will not motivate her to try to satisfy you more nor will it make her feel guilty because she "drove you to it".

Hurting her to relieve your guilt will not be lost on her, or anyone else. Your guilt is your problem to deal with. Don't expect her forgiveness to absolve you. Not her job. You are able to forgive yourself if necesssary, right? Telling her would have the effect of rubbing her face in not being enough for you, not satisfying you. The relaxed abandon you want from her will never result from knowing you've been with someone else. She'll always be wondering how she compares to the OW.

I'm OK with your having an affair. Been there. Didn't like myself much, either. We do what we think we have to to survive. It is - well - sheer lunacy to think that telling your spouse will lead to anything positive. I didn't need to prove to my ex that I was attractive to other guys, he knew it. Proving it to myself wasn't worth much since the guy was obviously a cheater. I did get a signature on divorce papers without a fight, tho. It was my primary goal, but a poor choice of means.

If you must unburden yourself, talk to the clergyman at your church. We'd all forgive you but it's probably not what you want. Think on that a little. What you want. I feel bad for you that you're carrying the guilt. Does that help?
Jayce