The Flames are Still Rising....

[blindsided1]

The weekend was okay. I spent time with my in-laws. I dropped K off on Sunday with her Dad and I was worried about it. But, it was okay. I was a little distant. He could tell, he tried to crack a joke. I wasn't into it. I told him I was going to pick up his mom and we were going shopping. Well, about a half hour later, MIL gets a text from OW...a picture of K and her new "brother", 1 minute later H texts another. They both knew I was with MIL. I felt like they were rubbing it in. So, I texted H and just said "pls try to be a little more sensitive. U know I'm with your Mom. I understand you're excited but please don't shove this in my face, right now. I'm doing the best I can. Ok?" I know I should have just left it. But, I couldn't.

When he brought her home. It was okay. He didn''t come in the house. I took the baby in to my Mom and went back out. I told him that I didn't want him to think that I was being distant because I hated him or something. I told him that this situation is extrememly painful for me and right now K and I are the priority to me. I said that eventually Dane and I will have a fine R, but he is NOT my concern at this moment. He doesn't know me or K and we don't know him. I told him that it was really hard to watch him build a family with the woman who essentially destroyed mine. To watch him be there during her pregnancy, and now and I had to do it alone, and I'm his wife. He just looked at me as I had tears welling up. I have tears welling up now as I write this. I found out that he didn't take K on Friday because he was golfing instead. He hugged me and left. I haven't spoken or had any contact with him since. I am trying really hard not to hate him and hurt, too much. My girlfriend said that I spend too much time worrying about how he feels. I do. But, that's because I love him still. Before he left, I just told him that just because I need to be away from him right now, doesn't mean I don't care for him. I do and always will. But, this is the only way for me to be healthy for K and I.

[His Wife]

I know you love your MIL and want to make sure she maintains her relationship with Kendall. But at this time you are just asking for too much from yourself. You need time to heal from all this damage your H has caused. You didnt just get the walk away spouse. You got the whole package, the Ow, the new child. It is just too much. You will not be able to heal and get strong for your sake and for Kendall's while you still have so much contact with your H and with his family. It is just not possible.

You are putting his feelings above your own. Why did you feel the need to make him feel better by basically promising him you were going to be a good girl and have a good relationship with his son?? You didnt need to do that. If it comes way down the line in the future naturally then good for you, you are better than most of us but right now you are trying to make him feel better about the hell he has and is putting you thru. It is time to stop.

One day you will notice that he no longer matters to you and neither do his feelings. But until you can get to that day you need to protect yourself. You had come so far and then this hit you hard. It is time to refocus. Right now at this time in your life, he is not your friend, you do not need to be concerned with his feelings and you need to be a little selfish and it is pisses him off, oh well.....

Back away from all of them. Your inlaws, your Bil and especially your H. Tell them all you need a time out and will let them know when you are ready for contact. They are only going to continue to spend more and more time with H and OW and talk more and more and more about them and baby. It is really ok to say this is not in my best interest right now....If they truly care about you they will abide by your wishes.

Please stop doing this to yourself. Fill your days up with Kendall and friends and your own family....Stay busy....let yourself heal.

I know this will be hard but you will find as the days go by that it gets easier and easier and you will feel better and better and H will no longer be such a presence for you....If there is anyway for you to have someone handle the exchanges with Kendall it would be good for you at least for a short time or in the alternative make them in your safety zone. He can come to you for pick ups and drop offs.

This will get better, You will get stronger and the hurt will diminish to a point for you to easily handle. Just be proactive in getting there. He is not your problem to fix, His feeling are no longer your concern. Does it really matter to you at this point if he likes you???? You need to tell yourself everyday that you are better off to be out of the mess his life has become until you finally believe it. It does not make you a bad person or a failure that this happened. You are certainly no less than the OW by any means. Stop taking that part of this so personally....It was never about you or her.......you married this man believing what he was selling at the time and had faith in it....he could not keep up the charade as it seems to be his nature to run and be mean when he doesnt get his way and play guilt trips on people so he gets what he wants....she puts up with it because she cannot attract anyone better.....you on the other hand have a whole world to choose from....so you tell me....who is the winner here????

[S.T. _I Made It!]

i agree, you have spent so much energy making sure H isn't mad at you. You don't need to constantly defend yourself to him. If there is a boundary that was crossed, that is okay to discuss it, but end it there.

you definitely need to keep distancing yourself, because too much thought is focusing on H.

((B))

[Startingover2]

Did your MIL whip her phone out and show you? Please tell me she didn't. Agreed with HW and ST. This is a very painful situation you are dealing with right now and being around those people only hurts you. I understand that need for some information even though you know it will only hurt, but you need to get back to that place where you were content and settled again.

Right now its not your responsibility for your exinlaws to see K. That is H's job. Let him do that on his time. Cut off contact for awhile and focus on the wonderful woman that you are.

Love ya!

[blindsided1]

Well, no my MIL did not whip out the phone. She was in the car and answered it and I saw it. She knew I saw it and what could she do at that point? I'm okay now.

So, on to today. Last night I came home from softball. We were close only 5-29 Pah lease. We SUCK. But, it's still fun and exercise. I got home. K was in bed and there was an envelope from dear ol' H waiting for me. In it was revised custody papers. He's going for 50/50. Duh, I cried. People say its not likely, but what if it happens? KC is my life. And, after all he has done...he wants to take what's left of my family? He has not shown any interest in taking her 50% so why now? I'll tell you why...money!!!! He does not want to pay CS. I hate his f'ing guts. I am not remotely attracted to him, anymore. I don't want him. I would love for him to move out of state with his whore and his child (that most likely is not his) and get the hell out of my life. But, being the person I am, I really don't feel that way (just venting). I want him to have a good relationship with KC and her brother. But, why after all he has done to me, why do I and KC deserve to be penalized because HE chose to leave? I hate him. I have not talked to him. I don't want to. And, now, MIL (who has always been on my side) tells me that she has researched 50/50 custody and nowadays it's normal. Can you say "cut off"? I knew this day would come. I have been prepared. But, I am NOT letting anyone know anything about my feelings. I am "acting as if" everything is fine. And, I have faith that it will be. He has his family. KC is mine. She is my family and I am hurt that he is doing this. Because, I know it is not for the right reasons. EVERYTHING IS ABOUT HIM.

NOT IN MY WORLD!!!! Not anymore.

[Startingover2]

I would think since he isn't paying a dime in child support, he doesn't take K on his days anyway that the courts would look at that. Doesn't he not show for his weekday visits?

That is my fear too BS. You are right, it probably is driven by $$. He knows if you want right now you can take him to court for the back CS he owes you.

Ok, another reason to cut off your MIL. She is playing both sides and you know is telling your H everything you say.

Get an attorney...Get the money somehow.

[His Wife]

So sorry to hear this. You are right in your observation that he is doing it so he can lower the child support and this new baby may have increased his guilt regarding Kendall Has he truly not paid it or have you been getting a check from her? The court wont care who paid, if you were paid.

50/50 in CA. is very normal and now the standard unless otherwise agreed. He has a home and room for her. Dont quite know how he will explain no job but "they" could present to the court that she is the breadwinner and he is the stay at home dad. If they do this, he could also claim that there is no need for daycare.

You need to document now while it is somewhat fresh, every visit he has missed and if in fact you have not been getting child support that as well. If he is not working and has not been paying then he is an idiot for doing this now. Something is up.
Find the money and hire a lawyer. You will need one now because unless you have solid proof of him being unfit or unable to provide a safe enviorment for her he will get the 50/50. Also be very prepared for them to marry as soon as your divorce is final. It cements his rights to her money. Right now you can claim that she is paying for him and that is not stable income but once they are married it is a moot point. In Laws will not help you in court at this point either and it is definetly time to call a time out with them. If they want to see Kendall let them see her on his time. You have nothing to explain to them or apologize for.

Even if it puts you into some debt call a lawyer at least to see what they think of this situation and can advise you correctly.

You said BIL was moving in with them??? How many bedrooms do they have? She has three kids plus a renter.... that could work in your favor as well but you need counsel. Dont try this one on your own. You need to have some help here because if he loses he might keep trying as his situation improves.

So far in court it has been you against him right, no counsel present for either of you???? Hire that lawyer and it might scare him a bit. They think they are smarter than you but you having legal counsel makes you smarter. If he has to consider going up against a laywer with experience in this on his own or spending money to hire one for himself he may rethink this all.
Sadly, the CA courts are not going to listen to arguments that this man destroyed your life and now he wants your child. They are simply going to look at each parent and if each is equally able to care for Kendall, then they will grant his petition. You have to have the right tools to point out in a non emotional way how unequal the two of you are.


Dont let this new turn beat you down. Kendall needs you.....

[Startingover2]

I agree with HW. Although, in CA the guidelines say no overnights until baby is at least 18 months. Even then it would only be maybe one night a week. Babies need a routine. Its too stressful on a baby. Seriously doubt he will get 50/50.Hopefully that will buy you some time.

[Sugar and Spice]

First and foremost listen and believe everything HW told you. Get an attorney and do it quick. You will also need to document, document, document...which since you have been on this site since you were preg. with K, should be somewhat helpful to you. You need a written history or what (if anything) he has paid, how often he has seen her and the conditions under which it occurred. If they do infact marry after your D is final then that solidifies her as someone that is able to pay CS for K, whether he has a job or not. 50/50 is the standard, but if you have an attorney and documentation it is also negotiable. Since Cal. is a no-fault D state, the circumstances of why do not matter, just who provided the best environment for the child. I wouldn't tell my MIL anything else, bottom line...H is her son and blood is ALWAYS thicker than M. I am finding out the hard way too. Everyone will protect their own interest and that needs to include you. K is your priority so fight for her.

[blindsided1]

No HW, he has not paid any CS except for one month (December), he didn't pay even when he had a job. He does, however, pay for his half of daycare (or I should say, she pays for it). I'm scared to death that he is going to have 50% custody of her. You do realize that he is unstable, unreliable, undependable, irrational, angry, verbally abusive, immature, he can't care for himself let alone 4 children including 2 infants. He will destroy her. He will destroy her. This has NOTHING to do with OW or what I feel emotionally towards my H. Him having her 50% of the time is detrimental to her well being. I honestly believe that. I do not want her to grow up like him. Please. I can't bear the thought of her being away from me 1/2 the time and in a house that is full of turmoil and drama and a place where she will not get the attention she needs mainly because the baby and the two other kids. My H is NOT a good man, he is not a good roll model, he is not empathetic or selfless. He only cares about himself. He always has.

I have been documenting everything since the day she was born. All the missed visits, the tardiness, the non payment of our debt and child support. He has been out of work since December and has not asked to have K any extra amount of time. He has shown no indication that he truly wants her 50% of the time. He even cancels on his court ordered days...so he can golf instead.

I do not believe they are going to provide K with a safe environment. They have two large dogs, she has come home with flea bites all over her head, twice.

He has brought her home without feeding her for 4 1/2 hours or changing her diaper for 6.

"They" took their 4 day old newborn to a little league game. At 5 days old H introduced K to him. I told H that K was sick and he probably should consider not taking her to his house. But, he did and they had a photo session where my sick K was hugging the 5 day old baby...you could see the snot running down out of her nose.

God I just pray and pray that it stays the way it is with our custody and CS order.