Need Help handling affair thats still going on

[peacetoday]

I do not Think OW is just being sipportive and helpful
she has an agenda
but your focus has to stay on you not her
being upbeat and pleasant so your H can see who you are and you are the best choice
although your H is distant, it seems he is really unsure, so use this time to be the wife he wants
hopefully he may with the help of Therapy decide to work it out
with the OW out in the open and in therapy maybe it is possible
Also does the hterapist know H had A? If H cn make choice to get rid of OW, the M has the best chance..Maybe the therapist can work this
My H went to therapy with me after bomb, but he refused to admit A
so therapist ans I were botyh baffled why he didnt want to work on M
Most of these guys leave the M to pursue an A
if the A was to be eliminated somehow, the M would possibly stand a chance
peace

[kjensen]

Good points peacetoday!
I believe he told his therapist about the A, but he hasn't seen her since the "rekindling" last week. I did go to one therapy session with him and his therapist and I remember we talked about trust issues between us so I do think she knows. He did get rid of the OW and then things seemed to eventually improve a bit(he was also dealing with nervous breakdown/major depression diagnosis). I thinks he does feel stupid getting re-involved with the OW but I really don't know for sure since we aren't talking about it. He has said in the past that there was such a strong attraction between them-his heart raced when he was with her( I think it was anxiety and guilt myself)...
Do you think its possible for a man going through a MLC to "get past" his negative feelings he has for his wife and their marriage? Would that only happen at the end of the MLC?

[Concerned_Listener]

Do you think its possible for a man going through a MLC to "get past" his negative feelings he has for his wife and their marriage? Would that only happen at the end of the MLC?

KJ,
I think the question, is it possible for your H to connect to his own feelings instead of focusing his feelings onto you? The potential for change issue is relevant for all of our situations.

For the WAS having an EA/PA, they must be able to connect with their feelings and look at why they are unhappy in life. Does your H have this capacity, or is it too soon to tell?

CL

[peacetoday]

CL is right
I believe the WAS needs to become aware that his negative feeling toward his wife is really more about his dissatisfaction with his life and self
he may also have childhood issues unresolved , so the MLcer projects all the begativity on spouse finds OW and believes he can just start over leaving all their unresolved childhood issues behind
but it does not happen
So if the MLcer has a good therapist who understands MLC
and the WAs IS OPEN TO WORK THRU THE CRISES I THINK IT IS POSSIBLE
MOST mLCERS are not ready willing to work thru anything
instead they choose to run b/c they want to be Happy
they dont want to trudge thru months and years of therapy and inner reflection
the sad thing is that at the middle/end of the crises they will only be left to look at these same issues only now they have lost their wifes, kids, homes, money, ect
it must be devastating for them
peace

[kjensen]

CL and peacetoday,
I think you are right about transferrence of negative feelings onto me/marriage. I think my H has wanted to avoid coundeling and perhaps especially MC becasue he said he doesn't want to look in the past-its too painful. He won't agree that sometimes you have to go through pain/deal with the past to come out better in the present and future. My H does accept that he has made some stupid decisions these last few months and I think there are times when he has clarity and doesn't understand how he got to where he is right now. He has alot of shame and self-blame, but he also has the knee-jerk reaction of getting mad at me rather than what's really behind his anger. I'm not sure how far he'll go with therapy-I guess too soon to tell.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Does wanting the questions answered ever go away?

Better yet, if you do well you realize the questions don't even matter. Honest.

As for your question about MLC Husbands, go ask Yellow Rose or Brand New Day, both their husbands came back. Just remember that every situation is similar, but everyone is different. We are all in this together alone. : )

You are doing great for a newbie though.

[kjensen]

Thanks Jack! Today started out OK-I was trying to be upbeat. Had another DB telephone counseling session-planning on focusing on me, distancing for next 3 weeks a bit-not being so available, staying positive around H. Sounds very challenging when I write it out! This afternoon, H started talking about money, how our budget would change if he was gone..got me emotional. It started as a disussion to make me feel better about being able to support myself and keep the house-I know he means well, but the discussion "vibe" changed and he said he had opinions about how I was spending money, but that he would keep thoe opinions to himself for now.. He sees it as we had a fight about money today(which is something we rarely ever did before) and I see it as a discussion that got emotional(because I didn't want to have it or think about him leaving me). So he left and I just felt like today was something he will count against me- I feel(and this is probably wrong) that he keeps track of the positives and negatives-like there is a tally going on constantly. Any gestures I make for closeness aren't reciprocated, so I think distancing is a good idea. I'm still foused mentally on the OW and feeling threatened, although I don't think he's seen her since 3/22(because she has her kids this week). Just not feeling so positive today. I hope to start tomorrow fresh-we should get some snow!

[peacetoday]

K Hang in there
You and H will have discussions sometimes
sometimes they provoke them to prove to themselves their cause
we are only human and after all this is a very painful ordeal
none of us can do perfect
I believe it does not matter
I think the work has to be in them and they will run no matter how seemingly perfect we are..they will find fault sleep well and take care of yourself
you are doing great
peace

[Concerned_Listener]

Had another DB telephone counseling session-planning on focusing on me, distancing for next 3 weeks a bit-not being so available, staying positive around H. Sounds very challenging when I write it out! Any gestures I make for closeness aren't reciprocated, so I think distancing is a good idea. I'm still foused mentally on the OW and feeling threatened, although I don't think he's seen her since 3/22(because she has her kids this week). Just not feeling so positive today. I hope to start tomorrow fresh-we should get some snow!

KJ,
You are right in that the adjustments you will need to make are challenging. One of the strengths of the DB approach is that we continually (not daily) monitor and adjust our approach.

It sounds like some distancing is in order for you. One of the ways we make ourselves suffer is by trying to influence a situation or our spouses, when they are beyond are influence, in the short term. We delude ourselves that there is something we can do to change the situation.

Acceptance (being present without judging, clinging, or resisting) is a challenge, but it's essential.

CL

[kjensen]

Cl-Funny you should write about acceptance. I woke up this morning(too early of course) feeling more comfortable with acceptance and not influencing. We are having a blizzard here and my H did come over to work. I partially thought he would just stay at his apartment today. He may actually "get stuck" here-we'll see how the weather/day goes. Will have to distance starting this weekend... So far I've remained upbeat and positive-feels a bit easier today. Thanks for your support everyone!