I'm not a princess/This ain't a fairytale

[breakaway]

He says "So I can't clay cause OW was here" and I said I am not going to go up there so that she can disrespect me. He says "Like you don't disrespect her?"

He sounds as stupid as my husband.

[AFWAW]

All right Mel, I'm right there with you today--too freaking emotional and cannot stay calm for the life of me. I fear that something like this may happen one day and I just won't care. I agree with you, if they want the divorce then do the paperwork. My wife has yet to make a move regarding this. I have a meeting w/ a lawyer this coming thursday and am frankly scared out of my mind. To be quite frank, I'm scared about a lot of things. I was fine this morning but for the life of me cannot calm down. How do you make yourself calm down and not think about this? It is difficult and if you find the answer, please let me know. On top of everything else, I am so freaking lonely I cannot stand it.

I think you are being too nice. Take him what he needs and stay for 20 minute and leave! And yes, let him suffer--he deserves it, you don't!

[SRTTF]

Mel, I hope your doing ok. I can't imagine how painful it was for you to be in that situation. I have often thought about what I would do if something like that actually happened to me. I figured I would be in jail or kicking the #%$% out of her. OK I prob wouldn't but I know I wouldn't be able to stop from making a scene. I have to commend you on holding it together. You have been there for him and the offer is on the table for him and you set your boundries. That is all that you can do. It will be his choice to take it or not. If he doesn't than calls you for something just say sorry I'm busy or something. He turned down your offer to help so he can get help from someone else if he needs something.

You did fine so don't beat yourself up.

Let me know how it's going.

[K4D]

You are doing the honorable thing by being there for your H when he is hurt. However, I agree with you. Its OW or you. Not both. And you have every right to disrespect her. After all, she is disrespecting your entire family.

Better to just stay away as long as she is there.

Kevin

[marriedCrazy]

Hey Mel,

Was it you that recommended a book about children and divorce to someone a few weeks back? If so, could you repeat the title; if not, I apologize for getting the wrong person.

Tom

[Mellenmack]

Tom,

No, it wasn't me. The only book I have recommended lately is "Broken Open" by Elizabeth Lesser that you can find at WalMart. I remember seeing that post, too, I think, and it might have been in that book thread. Can't remember.

Will look!

melissa

[Mellenmack]

Okay. Update.

He spent Monday in the hospital. We went by after work for just a few minutes and then the baby and I went home.

Tuesday he doesn't tell me anything all day. The baby and I go see him and he asks if I can start getting his stuff together because he is being released (but he has his cousin coming to take him home.) lmao. whatever. so i help out. go get s13 from base and take him to the house. help out a little bit, wash dishes, ended up staying til 8 or so, and was aggravated that I let the time get away.

Wednesday. Drive by after work but the other girl is there. So of course I keep going. I was on the phone with his mom at the time, so I let her know, too. She wasn't happy. I got home and texted him if he had been working on the divorce paperwork or not and of course he said no. he asked if everything was the same. (meaning the terms we agreed to in August). I texted him that if he would give me his home email address, I would send him the paperwork and that no, everything was NOT the same. Then of course he panicked!! Then he wants to talk. I told him we have talked til we are blue in the face. He wants a divorce, and I don't. It's quite plain. He says can we talk tomorrow at lunch and I say sure.

So then Thursday his parents are on their way to see him (5 hour drive) and I went to see him at lunch. Ya'll would be proud. I managed to stay calm, and to THINK about what I was saying. Don't know how I managed that but am extremely proud that I DID!! And I told him that I felt different about his retirement now. He was mad because previously I have stated (years ago) that I didn't understand some women chasing after their H's retirement. Basically, I have mixed feelings about it. I don't think it's always right that women are entitled to it, but I also don't think it's right that men think they can just walk out on a marriage and not at least try. There are other feelings I have about it, but I am not going into it here, unless somebody wants argue over it. I told him that I took care of the kids and the house every time he has gone tdy or been out to the missile field. I have taken care of the bills. i have done everything he has asked of me, moving to another country, staying here for 8 years, seeing him through 2 ATV accidents now, etc. I told him that it hurt that everything I have done is basically not worth anything in his eyes. It is just one more notch of me feeling like what I did didn't matter, and that what I did didn't matter to him. "THERE IS A REASON WHY I FELT THAT WAY" I wanted to scream!! And you sitting here telling me that I didn't do anything to help you earn your retirement VALIDATES AND CONFIRMS THAT YOU THINK I DIDN'T DO
SH!T FOR YOU. I didn't yell it, but I did say it. I also reminded him that we had been contributing part of his pay to the thrift savings plan. And I asked him "What did we do for me?" Oh, wait I remember, Melissa's check went to cover BILLS that YOUR paycheck didn't cover because you were out buying BOOZE and GUN PARTS. Of course, I did NOT say that. I simply asked the question and the silence gave the answer "nothing". I reminded him that I still had student loans against things that I no longer used...like an air conditioner in the house and a new roof among other things.

Then he mentioned something about my parents not calling to check on him. I told him they had called me. His feelings are hurt. I told him they are upset and disappointed about the other girl. He said he is tired of being persecuted for her. "And your dad was not receptive to listening to me when I came back from Iraq and wanted to talk about what was wrong. He told me that you had made up your mind and I needed to deal with it." Well, no, Dad wasn't receptive to him and there is a reason why. I AM THEIR DAUGHTER. Only one. Only kid. I could murder him in front of my parents and they would still say "We love her. She is our daughter." Mom says she doesn't want to talk to him now because she is tired of him trying to tell her how righteous he is and how wrong I am. I dunno. And he doesn't get it.

and it's hard because my parents never really like him anyway, I guess. I dunno. They did their best, but now he feels like it was a lie. Like they loved him, but now, because of this, they don't.

So much drama, sometimes it seems like too much to get through.

I talked to his mom Thursday night and she was disappointed over the retirement thing...and I just...told her how I felt. "He thinks you're doing this to get him back"...well, if I wanted to get him back, this was not the way to do it, I'm not dumb. But he asked me a question and I gave him an honest answer. I'm sorry it's not the one he got in August, but in August, I was leaving him, now he's leaving me. There's the difference. I told him I have a trip to Seattle in June and that I was going to Point Clear in July. And that when I get back, I expect us to be CLEARLY moving in one direction or the other. Hung out for awhile Saturday and most of Sunday.

LMAO. He took me to OW's friend's house, if ya'll can believe that, and of course I went because it lets them know that there is still something between us! And they can't tell him squat about it because then he will be on THEIR butts to be nice "can't we all just get along" lololoololllol.

I told him I felt like he was stuck. That it's like he is on the fence. And he said he feels stuck. I told him I thought he would continue to feel stuck until he moves one way or the other. That all he thinks about is the bad stuff, because we haven't done any NEW stuff to replace the bad stuff with. That hit home a little bit. I told him I'm not saying let's move back in together tomorrow. I don't think that is the right thing. But to at least just take a baby step in that direction.

Anyway. So that is my drama update. I have not really been pursuing. Have texted a few times to see if he is doing okay but generally no more than once a day if I haven't heard from him. We'll see.

I think he is going to want to stay together, but I think he is not going to be willing to do some things differently. Not sure I can go back to the drinking as much as I think he is drinking. Can't go back to coming in second to his friends and other "more important" stuff. Gotta have us time and gotta have family time away from everyone else. Have to feel like what I want/need matters. And right now, I know it doesn't.

Melissa

[AFWAW]

Mel,
Depending on how long you've been married, the law says you are entitled to some of his retirement anyway. So really he doesn't have a choice in this matter.

I think he is going to want to stay together, but I think he is not going to be willing to do some things differently.

I think that's great! As long as you guys can work it out where you are both happy and take it slow. Stuff happens and if you can keep your family together you can work through all the other stuff. You just have to be willing to do so. He may surprise you on what he is willing to do. Just make sure you communicate your desires before you reconcile, if you do. I'm praying for you and keeping my fingers crossed!!! Good luck lady!

[marriedCrazy]

Hey Melissa,

I just got done reading through your threads. Man, I gotta say that I see some commonalities between your family and my W's. by that I mean in the narcissism and selfishness. So there probably is some influence from that that has catapulted itself into your adult decision making.

Thanks for taking the time to come to my thread. I think I'm really going to need the input and advice from someone who's been through what my W has been through. Mainly because this will be new to me. I comfortable with what I've become; I was definitely unhealthy as a husband to her. but I'm much healthier now as an individual. I just hope that I can be healthy enough to keep the change in place as we tread down this path.

Tom

[Mellenmack]

Just a quick update.

When H had his followup appt Weds, his cousin who was supposed to take him backed out. I was supposed to take him then, but he never called me and asked, and guess who miraculously showed up to take him?? OW!! Of course! Long story short is that then that afternoon he called to ask me to take him to the appt he has this coming Monday and I told him no, that I already have my own appt, and that he could get OW to take him, since she had taken him that morning. He was mad, but got over it after awhile, I guess.

Friday we went to pick up the kids from his parents. On the way back, he stopped at an ATM and took out $180. He owed $110 for his half of daycare for D4, and I had covered him for $60 on something else. So he gives me $180 and mentions that he only owes me $170 but then says not to worry about the $10 that he'll catch it later or something. I got pissed but kept my mouth shut. Two weeks ago, he tells me to take $140 out his acct and spend $20 on D4. Which I do. Then later he tells me to give $20 to his cousin cause he owes him. I do that that, too. And it left me $10 short, but I DIDN'T CARE. It's 10 friggin dollars, for Pete's sake, it's not like it's gonna break the bank or something. So then after he made such a point about the $10 that he was letting me have, I was angry. And I should point out that he did eventually say, "Just keep the $10, no biggie," but I did NOT want him to feel like I owed him something or that he had done me some such huge favor.

That was yesterday. Like I said, I kept my mouth shut. This morning I went by to drop off D4 because I had class and he keeps her then. And I just told him about the last time, just so that he...realized that there have been times that I have covered for him and let it go, because I don't keep a running tab. And since it is usually me to keep my mouth shut...and that is part of what got me in this mess to begin with, I told him. I wasn't really mad, I was just trying to make a point. At which time he got pissed. Pulled the old "damned if I do, damned if I don't stuff". I tried to tell him, no, that wasn't the case, that I was just trying to let him know. I finally left and told him that I would be resending him the divorce paperwork Monday. That I give up.

I called him at a break in class and tried to tell him, that I am trying to open up more, to not keep everything bottled inside because this is part of what got me in this mess to begin with. That I am trying to do something different. I'm not great at it, because I haven't been doing it for so long. I apologized that it made him angry, but I'm trying really hard to just speak up.

And I think he is resentful of that. I was the one who always did what was expected. Me keeping everything in always let him believe that everything was peachy keen when it wasn't. So now I try to be open so that we can do things differently, and I feel like he just wants to keep the same old me around, who kept my mouth shut and did what pleased everyone else.

And then I talked to one of my neighbor friends and her husband last night, too. They are about 60. Between them, they have been divorced 9 (NINE!!!) times. She says she understands both sides, but that basically, what ya'll have been saying. If he says he's working on the marriage, then he needs to man up and DO something to work on the marriage instead of just SAYING he's working on the marriage. She said, "Melissa, there is no one in my life, except the kids, who is NOT expendable. He is hurting you and he is going to keep hurting you as long as you let him. He is going to be paying you back for how much he hurts. I would tell him you have had enough and WALK AWAY. If he wants to figure it out, he'll let you know." She also said she can't imagine either of us with anyone else. Which was nice to hear.

I am just tired of him bashing my head into a wall. It's been nine months since he got home and eight months since the affair has been over. He has said he forgives me, but he doesn't really, I know, or I wouldn't still be paying for this. Ugh!! I just wish I could quit crying! I have quit crying before, but these last two weeks, since he broke that stupid leg, have been just awful. She says I have a good heart, that I am a good person, and I know that...I just made a friggin mistake. I know that it will NEVER happen again.

Ugh. Sorry everyone. Guess it's a longer update than I intended. I'm just tired of having my head bashed in and being willing to take whatever scraps he feels like he has leftover to offer me.

The only advice I can give others, is if you are trying to make it work, DO THINGS TO MAKE IT WORK. DON'T JUST PAY LIP SERVICE.

I know I'm gonna be fine, no matter what.