Healing from a lifetime of self-deprecation

[still hopeful]

Easy there, Flicka, my love. My handle is STILL, not slightly hopeful.

I'm good. My children are still beautiful and perfect, and yes, I am still very protective of them.

I am 'straight', in every sense of the word. I am working my way through my 'intimacy' and 'dependency' crud without self-medicating in any way. I'm not much of a drinker since XW and I split, so that hasn't been a problem...got crowded out by all of me other coping issues, I guess. Heh.

Sunday was my 43rd birthday and I spent the majority of the day with my prince and princess. Absolutely wonderful way to enjoy my birthday. Last night, I spent with them again, and XW some when she returned from work. You mad me laugh the other day when you said:

You have a better relationship, day to day, with your chosen wife than I have with my H.

Eccentric our relationship IS, but we both have individual quirks to work through before we'll be able to work on reconciling and strengthening our relationship/marriage. Most importantly though, I know that we still have the sliver of hope shining in on the darkness of the past 3 years because I haven't given up; because I've DBed in my less-than-orthodox way. I've had every opportunity to kill my DB efforts and any hope of reconciling for over 3 years with a W/XW who told me from day 1 that NO hope for reconciliation existed.

We haven't moved markedly from where we were in the beginning, but she no longer tells me that we have NO hope of reconciling. We spend time together, which most people don't understand, having a good time and enjoying each others company. Since I'm not wealthy, our relationship would be characterized more as crazy than eccentric. What I get to do is show her that I'm a changed and changing man whenever I am afforded the opportunity to be with her. So, I put forth my best effort to be the better man that I've been working to become, and I know she sees; she watches everything that I do and notices even the slightest changes.

I love my XW. I very much want to have the opportunity to reconcile, but I am keeping my emotional cool and not acting needy, which is true because I don't need to reconcile with her; I want to. In the meantime, I will watch out for and over my children and be the best father that I am able to be in this less than ideal time of all of our lives.

How's that for verbosity, dearest Flicka. And remember, STILL hopeful, not slightly hopeful. Quit pokin' at me. I haven't changed my goal. Just going at it from a little different tack. I can see the end zone now, but it's still a long way off.