Just missing you guys a little!

[sandi2]

Oh Amy, honey my heart hurts for you so much! I know you are in so much agony now. I am glad that you don't try to pretend to be this big strong giant when you don't feel like one. We all have those valleys in our lives and we have those days that we just dare anyone to tell us to "smile...God loves you"! Don't you just hate that? It makes me mad! (lol) Well, I had to laugh at that to let you know this is just plain ole Sandi here and that you can say anything and I think I can understand even if I have not been in your shoes. I have been very close to those shoes.....just in a different way. My daughter went through that and I felt that I shared a lot of her pain, too. Anyway, let's talk a little more and I prayed that God would help me say something to you that will help a tiny bit. The rest is up to Him.

Forgiveness........it is a hard thing. But it is a very necessary fact of life--if we are going to be healthy. And, sweetie, I want YOU to be very healthy in every way. This will take some time. You have grown in leaps and bounds since the first post I read from you. You did it b/c you wanted that for yourself and for your kids. You worked at it. So, you will be able to forgive the OW and your H for yourself and your kids. You see, God did not tell us to forgive other b/c they deserve it. And, frankly your H and the OW do not deserve your forgiveness or kindness or cooperation or anything. All they deserve it your wrath, hatred, anger, bitterness.....on and on. But, AmyM does not want to be that type of person b/c she knows it will turn her into a terrible embittered old woman that nobody can stand to be around. I don't call you "my sweetie" for nothing!! However, you are allowed to feel what you are feeling.....okay? You are allowed to be sad, b/c this has been like a death. You will grieve and you will get angry and go through stages just like we do when we lose a loved one in death.

Okay, back to forgiveness. So, they don't deserve it, we agree on that, right? Well, there is nothing they can do to "earn" your forgiveness......that's for sure! I mean, they have done the damage! But, the bottom line is this, sweetie, God did not tell us that they were to deserve our forgiveness or that they were to try to "earn" our forgiveness. In fact, they don't even have to "ask us" for our forgiveness. Now that is a kick in the head isn't it? To forgive them without them even "asking".....wow! Yep! That is what we are to do. But how on earth can we do that? Where do we get that kind of strength? Here it comes........you knew that, didn't you? (lol) We can do it b/c it is NOT BASED UPON THEM. Our ability to forgive them is not based upon them!! God gives us His grace to forgive them. His righteousness is in you and b/c of Him, and b/c of Who and What He is on the inside of you......you can have the strength to forgive. Forgiveness has nothing to do with them. It has everything to do with who YOU are and what you are.

Amy, we did nothing to deserve or earn God's love, salvation, or His forgiveness when we were lost sinners. We could not do anything to earn it or work for it or get good enough to get His forgiveness.......and we still can't. When I had my EA, I was a saved Christian (is there any other kind?). Anyway, I knew that I could not "work up" to being good enough to get God's forgiveness for what I had done. In I John 1:9, He promised me that if I would only confess what I had done......He (His work, not mine) was faithful and just to forgive me and cleanse me. The funny part is that He KNOWS already. He knew what I had done, but the confession was for my benefit. It is not to "inform" Him of what my latest sins have been. It is kind of like my confrontation with myself in His presence and admitting to Him what I have done and that it was a sin unto him. Then, by "faith" I have to accept that promise. Just like when I was saved......it was not b/c I deserved it and I could not work for it, but by His Grace and through my "faith" in believing Him.....I was saved. I had to "accept" the salvation by believing. Same thing with forgiveness from Him. We have to believe and accept, by faith.

So, when we put that picture up against the stitch with H and OW, it kind of comes together, doesn't it? We hurt God if we reject Christ as Savior. We dishonor Him when we do wrong things. But, based on Who and What God is......He forgives us. That is why and how we forgive others that have done us very, very wrong.

How does a mother forgive a drunken driver who hits them in a car and her baby is thrown to the pavement with her little brains scattered on the highway? A beautiful little girl that was left so totally retarded b/c of a drunken driver. I knew that lady, Amy, and she was a testimony of forgiveness and grace. The day her little girl died, she sent me a note and said that I was invited to attend her baby's graduation. I had never heard of a funeral called a graduation. When my grandmother died, I looked at my loved ones and said, this is her graduation service.

I don't know why I brought all that up, it just came to my mind and I'm hoping that some of this is helping you, maybe. Forgiveness is an act of "grace", Amy. I know that you are going to be able to find that grace in your heart to forgive your H and the OW. Don't beat yourself up and expect too much of yourself right this minute b/c you are dealing with a lot of pain and you have to get through that.

The OW.......don't know much about her. It is easier to put all the blame on her and say that she stole your husband and broke your family apart. The truth is......she may have done just that. Maybe that was her goal and she set out to accomplish it and she did! On the other hand, maybe it wasn't. What happened between your H and OW was wrong. She knew he was M. She was M. But, it happened. Does it make her a terrible person? Do you think I am a terrible person? I was ready to leave my H and go to the OM that I was having an EA with. That is how mixed up I was at the time. Thank God......it did not happen! But, do you see where I am trying to go with this? Maybe, just maybe.....she might not be as terrible as we have her imagined. Let's hope that she is sweet and good and loving. Not b/c your H "deserves" that.......b/c he deserves a b*tch!! (lol) But we are not talking about what we adults deserve, are we? It is the kids.......they deserve it. I know that in time you will be able to deal with that and you will be able to do what you know you have to do in order to be happy with yourself. And, honey.......my sweetie.......you can.

Today those emotions hit you hard and you will probably have some times that you are surprised b/c you'll think you are about healed and moving along pretty good, when wham.....here that stinking emotion mess comes back to haunt you and you start with the "why" questions again. That is called being a human and it sucks! I'll tell you another verse to that song......the old devil will use it to get to you every time he can. So, if you will shine the Light on him and let him know you are on to his bag of tricks......the sooner he'll stop that mess. I mean it. He will try every emotion he can hit you with if he thinks it will ruin your day, you plans, or your life. If he thinks that it will turn you into an old sour, resentful woman that goes around saying, "why did this happen", he will do it. Don't allow him the victory when you have the Greater Power within you. Okay?

So, now I am sitting here bawling and can't see any more, so maybe that is my cue to stop. I'm not preaching to you, (you know that by now), but this is just my way of putting my arms around you and telling you that you have strength available to you to use and that I love you so much. You are going to be fine. I know that as well as I know my name. I believe that as much as I believe anything. I am assured and confident of that fact! Every morning that you get up, I want you to remember this...... "There is nothing that God and I can't handle together this day."

Love you sweetie,
Sandi