It's officially on the table. Yes, ML is for me too. We always had no problems there. After S was born, there was a few months there where it wasn't happening very often, but H was very patient and understood I had issues with how I looked. I'm a size 0 now at 109 pounds. I was 178 pounds when they had to induce me and then give me a c-section. I was very very blah about my physical appearance. H always said I was beautiful and sexy though. I'll give him credit. But the ML, is something for me physically and it's still very emotional for me too. I hope it is for him too. So yes, it's for me. And yes, I brace myself for the silence or pull back immediately after, but it doesn't always happen to be honest, which I think is good.
He does still come around even if he saw the book. He was just here for dinner and left around 7:00 to go home to hit the hay he said. He has to be up at 4:00am for work. I was light and smiled a lot. It was very relaxed, men in one corner, women in another, but some interaction still. When he left, he gave S a big hug and kiss, and ran his fingers through my hair. BUT I normally walk him out....didn't do that this time. Stayed right where I was.
I AM GOING TO GIVE IT A REST. I know you and my girlfriend/roommate are right. I will never get things back on track if I can't let this ex-OW die. Even my therapist says I need to shrink the size of space she has in my brain to 0. It's just hard. But I'm going to continue my progress. I started today at 9:15 to let it all die and I'm going to continue. I'm going to keep tabs on me and my brain space she occupies.
I really don't understand him. That's a very very true statement. It's almost like I don't even know who he is at times.
I can't go completely dark anyways because of S and truth be told, I'm grateful for that. The old me would "show him" a thing or two. So this is definitely the better and higher road for the new me. You're right, nothing to be vindictive.
"Your problem is that you care too much, but your crime is how you showed it." It's these types of statement, show and poignant that I asked what you do for a living. I do need to keep a lid on it. I do need to let her make this thing implode and explode completely.
No, I don't want to nag my prince charming out of the castle. I just want to kick him real hard in the a$$ really. But I guess neither are options.
I am going to continue to work on me, the tennis, the yoga, the exercise (which I'm slacking a bit on), hanging out with my girls, me time and most importantly, this weekend, I'm NOT going to help him with S. He's already mentioned this weekend several times. He has his fantasy baseball draft this Sunday. He was actually thinking about driving 5 hours one way to his parents house to have them watch him while he does his draft. I very kindly asked some questions and explained, "Do you really want to drive 10 hours in a car with a three year old by yourself?" I really don't think it occured to him. I told him to get a movie and pop it in and let S watch it while he drafts. It's done online, no one will know S is even there. Men can't multi-task like women
I don't know what I would be doing without you AJ.
I will work hard on the changes.
I'm also on Facebook. I killed the page for awhile when I H was just trying to play games. So, I killed it and killed the games. Since I've come back, he's not played any with me. We never talked about it, but I think he understood and has been great since my great Facebook return.
Keep the advice and pointers coming. It keeps me sane. --SLH 8
