I feel so lost and so tired

[sandi2]

Glad to hear you response. I know you are hurting so badly b/c what you are going through is like watching a slow death of someone you love very much, but in this case you are involved in it also. A divorce is much like a death except one thing.....death is final and a divorce does not always mean it is final. I am glad you aren't ready to give up and when you are down that is when you need to come to us and say that you need an extra shot in the arm to help you keep going b/c all the LBS know what you are going through. I was not a LBS, but I have come to admire those who are willing to endure the crap we WAS put you through and stand for the marriage when we are wanting to give it up.

It is a very tricky thing to be able to keep balanced in doing the DO'S AND DON'TS on that list. If you don't talk enough, then she will think you are sulled up about something or mad. If you try to act too happy about "nothing", she will see right through you and know it is fake and think you are being ridiculous. So, learning how to walk the line is an acquired talent, I think. It takes practice, but many LBH's can tell you that you can do it. Look at "Thinker".....it was only a few weeks ago I was giving him that same long list that I gave you and he didn't see how on earth he could do it....but he is. Like he said, he is having to learn not to lean too much one way or the other and to stay balanced, but you can.

I believe it is important to keep believing and stay as positive as you can. You WILL backslide b/c you are learning a new technique under very stressful conditions! But, when it happens, just resolve to pick up and try again. Don't give up all hope.....that is the main point.

You said you were not religious but you were praying. May I ask who you are praying to? I ask only so I will know more how to speak on the subject in the future....unless you prefer that I don't. I am a Christian. I did wrong when I had an EA, and guess what? All Christians are imperfect beings who has a Perfect Savior. That is what kept me from having a nervous break-down. I hope you don't mind me sharing this with you. It was my personal belief system and knowing what the scriptures say in the Bible and what has been promised to me as a child of God that kept me sane through my recovery. If I had not had that to cling to.......I honestly think I would have destroyed my life.....in one way or another. B/c I have been blessed to have been taught what I have in Church, I knew that I could confess my sins to the Lord and He would forgive me based on His promise in I John 1:9. I did that and I had to accept that forgiveness based on what He promised and not on what I "felt" b/c frankly......I did not feel a whole lot at the time. I wanted to feel spiritually washed and clean again, but being as old a Christian as I am......I knew that I had to use "faith" and just believe what He said He would do and not wait on "feelings" b/c feelings is NOT faith. Believe me....it is a lot easier when you have the emotions, but that did not come and I had to just keep believing that I was forgiven. The emotional healing did not come over night, either. It has taken a long time. But, I am very thankful to say that God has been merciful to me and He protected me in my stupidity. Things could have gotten very ugly and I have to give Him the credit for handling that.

Anyway, didn't mean to give a sermon there, but just wanted to encourage you that you do need to believe in (I hope) God b/c if you are His child, He will give you the strength to get through this. I honestly don't know how the LBS or the WAS keeps their sanity without knowing the Lord. Prayer is very powerful and especially when you have others praying for you. There are a lot of Christians here on the board who are not embarrassed to say so and will tell you that they are praying for you.....especially if you ask.

So, take care and take each day as it comes and try your best not to worry ahead of time. If you are a believer in God, then you can trust Him to take care of your family and providing you with a job and holding you up with the strength you need.

Sandi