Let's get something on the table. The ML thing? That's not just for him, now is it? It's for you as well. It's something you do because you want to, not because it will make him feel good. Ok? It has the side benefit of acting as a way to connect the two of you in an intimate way, but if you are only there to try and trap him, it will come through. It would be better not to if that's the case. Just relax. Enjoy the moment because if the script is to be followed, he'll get scared afterwards and lash out at you (say mean things). The funny thing is, you won't know the moment he is going to deviate from the script. He may also decide that you're what he wants and that you've changed enough for him to come back. The reality is likely to be somewhere in between. You can bank on the moment though, so enjoy it.
The book? Ok, let's assume he saw it. He still comes around, right? He still shows signs of caring. He may not have given the book a second thought. He's a guy; he may not have noticed the scarlet letter on the nightstand that was pulsing with sirens at you.
Give it a rest. He cares. The sooner you get that through your head and start looking for changes in yourself the sooner the relationship can change. Here's my thought: Right now, you miss the old relationship. You're mourning. Give yourself permission to grieve, but stop analyzing him like you understand. You don't. But if you take a step back and look at yourself - a good look at yourself, you'll see that you have a few things to work on. He'll give you that time to work on you. He wants you to work on you. He wants you.
Be sure to lovingly detach and don't go completely dark. What I mean is, don't be vindictive. You're detaching to get your sanity in check, to gain your perspective. Not so you can "show" him anything. Detaching is about you. The sooner you get that, the better.
If you love somebody you don't try to hurt them right? You wouldn't hurt your son, would you? Why? Because you love him. Same applies. You can unconditionally love your husband. You want to in this case.
Taking the space he's offering is a good idea at this point. Lashing out at him for your hurt is not. It shows that you have more work to do.
He cannot hurt you but you can hurt you. Please know that. Please reflect on that. Ask me more if you don't see that.
Your problem is that you care too much, but your crime is how you showed it. Your salvation is to find the real you and to show it to the world - that has the benefit for both of you and at some point you'll thank him for the opportunity to show the real you (sounds crazy, but think about it).
You didn't grow up dreaming of marrying prince charming so you could nag him out of the castle, right? You don't want to make the man you love miserable any more than you want to be miserable.
Go work on you. Relax and know that he really does care. He's gone WAY further than anyone else would do in that situation but he's not ready to go back to the way things were. Can't blame him can you? Would you want to be committed to you given the way things were? It'll take time to change and to show that change to him. Relax and know that he really does care and is watching you with hyper-vigilence.
He gets confused when you do 180's so be careful. Use them scientifically. Try one. See what happens. Ask yourself: Do you like it? Does he react in a way that is consistent with your goals? If not to either of those, change and repeat the cycle. If so, keep it and try another.
BTW, I'd love to talk with you from time to time, but I don't think this board is cool with that. I think they prefer we not contact directly. I'm sure there's a good reason for that. I've mentioned before I'm on facebook, but it's harder now that you cannot see my last name. We'll have to leave that for another time, Ok? Know that you have a friend here in NC who thinks your marriage is salvageable but needs some work. That thinks one day you'll look back and regard this as a rough spot in your life. One that allowed you to grow and become the best person you always dreamed you could be.
You are worth it and you are that good. Stay in the game and work on you. Be the change you want to see; others may follow.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
