What's next???? The adventure continues!!!

[dburt]

"he'll be pushing everything to the right, he'll have to quit the game."

Burt

[AFWAW]

Yeah, I would take mine back, too, but I've gotten a bit less anxious as the months have dragged on. She would have to show that she has changed a bit, too. Honestly, if you met your W in a bar right now, would you want to date her?

HELL YES, I would take mine back.

I must not be as detached as I thought

I'm with you brother, just put up a good front with her. You can be weak as hell when she can't see it, I know I am. I'm getting stronger but as everyone says, it will take some time and the more I act strong, the stronger I'll become(in theory, that is).

I can't really complain about my W spending money as it is her money and she doesn't have access to mine. Having said that, I would still pay for her expenses to have her back. Yes, I love her that much. I have learned in a few short months that I have been concetrating on all the wrong stuff for years and hope and pray that I will have the opportunity to concetrate on the right things with my wife. I am absolutely misearable without her. I have done some fun things without her and I know I'm not supposed to rely on someone else to make me happy but I've been with her for 15 years and I'm conditioned to her. Let's put it this way, I would rather have fun with her than have fun without her.

I hope that this DBing pays off as I want her to be with me more than I want to be with her. I think the opposite is true though. I think she wanted me more before. Ugggghhhh, I feel so foolish.

[AFWAW]

Not the way to feel, the more time passes, the more likely she will have that WTF moment. Its kinda zinlike, the less you want something the more likely it will come to you. Again, start doing things with your daughter without her.

Isn't that funny how that works? I was just having a conversation with one of my friends the other day about this. How you have to initially pursue and then pull back with women to get them to desire you. It is odd how we humans operate, isn't it? Why can't we just say and do what we want and get it? The world would be a lot more simple if this was the case.

Oh, BTW lucky for me, there is no other man. At least that I can see. All indications so far tell me there is not. I continue to pray that there will not be one either. I really, really, really, really hope that my wife just needs her space for a bit and will come back home. I will not give her any grief if she chooses to do so. Will things be different? You bet--they will be better because I will do my best to make them better!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

"he'll be pushing everything to the right, he'll have to quit the game."

Burt

Niiiiiice . . . .

[dburt]

When my wife and i just graduated college and dating, she said that she wanted to see other people, I was devestated. I did all the wrong things as normal people do, the flowers came, the phone calls, going up to visit her at her house unannounced the whole 9 yards. It took about 3 months to get over it enough to ask out this other girl. When we went out on the town that night, my wife's brother saw my date, who looked fine by the way, and of course I was estatic. What do you know, guess who calls the next day.

We never want to lose things, and if her back up plan (you) is slipping through her fingers, then she gets very nervous. This whole principle is exactly like what happened. If she perceives that you are going to be happy without her, her instincts are going to kick in, she thinks that this cannot be true, and she will come back and will remind you that you need her to be happy.

It really is weird.

Burt

[marriedCrazy]

I've often thought dating would bring my wife around; but then I'd be stooping to her level.

[Mellenmack]

MC,

I agree with you. I had the affairs. I got smart. OW showed up, although..it is debatable about whether there was an affair or not. It was inappropriate at the least. Many people said to move on and go out, but I felt it wasn't appropriate, at least/especially not for me. I wanted things to work because they were supposed to work, not because I went out with some other guy. Also, in my stitch, I REALLY did not want to add fuel to the fire.

John,
I agree with Puppy to an extent about the "cheaters always lie" although he did use a different term this time than "cheaters"..can't remember what it was though. there will come a point where she is NOT lying anymore, when her actions/words will be congruent. I don't know when that will be. Hopefully, you will be able to tell. I know it is hard for the LBS. "I was lying...but now I'm not lying anymore...please believe me...!!!" For me, the affairs were the only thing in my whole life that I ever lied about. I was a goody-goody...always did what was expected or what would please everyone else. Everyone always knew they could depend on me to do exactly what was expected of me. Damn, it's hard being a martyr!! The affairs were the times where I could be me, and not have to live up to everyone else's expectations. Arrgg...I've gotten off topic. I know it was unrealistic to expect him to believe me the second I quit lying about the affairs. Not sure what I am trying to say here, except pay very close attention to when her actions start matching her words. Other than that, yeah. None of what you hear, half of what you read, and all of what you SEE.

Another way of looking at her furniture buying is this. Like you, she does not know how things will turn out. She may want to work it out, but knows it will be awhile before she can believe in your "changes". She has to PMA, and GAL, and act "as if" to stay in her right mind too. She's not sure. And she thinks she has to plan like you WON'T be around. She is planning like it will all go south.

You said ya'll used to be a "keeping up with the Jones'" couple. Maybe some volunteer stuff for Habitat for Humanity or some other volunteer work would be in order? If you have truly had a change, then that should show up in other areas of your life.

I know I have been harping on this book, but I can't help it. "Broken Open" at WalMart by Elizabeth Lesser I think. Everything is a Phoenix Process...EVERYTHING. Every thing that happens to you, is an opportunity to learn from, grow, and change. I know it sounds...lofty??...but the way she puts it, is really not.

Okay. I will leave it at that.

One other thing, guys. You all talk about this "back up plan" thing, when our independence doesn't work out, or the OM leaves us, or whatever. It's NOT ALWAYS like that. OM didn't leave me, I left him. He made plenty of money. He was nice enough. I am plenty capable of surviving on my own. Sometimes, SOMETIMES, we really do turn around and realize that we really do love you and that we took a lot of things for granted.

I know that is not everyone's experience, and I won't speak for your wives because you certainly know them better than I. But there are some of us who want the M back, because we remember the good times, and we know how the M could be.

Ya'll have a good night.

Melissa

[AFWAW]

Mel,
Good to hear from you. Hope everything has been good. I am still on my emotional rollercoaster. My wife is still calling me and we are going on a date this saturday night. I still don't know what to expect but have come to the conclusion that I'm going to be spinning my wheels if I can't let her go and act like we are already divorced. I just for the life of me can't let go and I don't know why. She occupies my thoughts 95% of the time I'm awake. I don't know what the answer is. I wish you did. As far as her buying furniture, I don't know. Someone mentioned that she is good at pushing my buttons--she is. I made a call today and found out the company in VA that I could work for. If this progresses in a negative manner then I will pursue this option more aggresively. Really disturbing to me was that my daughter asked me what I would think if she wanted to live with the wife? I was honest--I told her I would be hurt. She asked why--I told her that it just would, I honestly didn't know what to say.

I'm going to try to have a good time on my date with the wife this weekend. I don't know what will happen but I'm going to try and keep it light. If she brings up the relationship, I want to ask her how long she needs. I know this is probably against DB but I need to know. I want to know if she is willing to come home after that time. I want to know what she is going to do if I get orders. I know these are inappropriate questions but I still want to know them. I've been contemplating asking them for a while now. Work's going a little better but I'm still bored. I'm considering starting my masters back up in May but I still don't feel like doing anything. This is all just so damn confusing still.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

If she brings up the relationship, I want to ask her how long she needs. I know this is probably against DB but I need to know. I want to know if she is willing to come home after that time. I want to know what she is going to do if I get orders. I know these are inappropriate questions but I still want to know them.

This is a tactical mistake, in my opinion. This gives her ALL the power.

Why should this be HER decision?

I'm big on Gucci's "I have decided ________ " approach. But then again, I doubt that surprises anyone to learn that.

Puppy

[AFWAW]

Ok, I'm haven't done it yet. That's why I'm bouncing it off everyone here. Should I just chill and wait? I'm sick of this waiting! How do I take a strong approach and get some answers with positive results? She has all the power right now anyway it seems like. She is the one calling all the shots. I obviously don't want a divorce and will not file. She is the one that moved out. I am clearly confused. What power is it that I have at this point?????