DB techniques are about emotionally detaching, "moving on" in a sense... in other words not pursuing or relying on your spouse.. and creating a great life for yourself with or without your spouse.
Look closely at what you do and how she reacts. If it pushes you further apart, don't do it. If it seems to make her want to pull closer to you then repeat that.
At this time it sounds to me like she just wants to flee. Which means you have to stop pursing and pull back. It's like when a dog escapes. If you chase after it, it will keep running. If you turn around, and walk the other way, it will sometimes come back to see what you are doing. Although if you've been chasing pretty hard it may take some time before it turns around to see what you are doing.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
So the plan has been to tell my sons. In addition, when I am financially able, I will pay all my own bills.
As far as the shared situation, she and i would never be in the same residence at the same time. At least that's how I understand it from the way she comunicated it to me.
You see it's hard for me to figure out what she is saying, this has always been an issue. She tells me stuff in what i feel is a vague manner. Later I will talk to her about some stuation and she will tell me that we had already talked about this. When in fact she didn't give details, she will then say well i thought you knew that.
I tell her, like I did this morning about her moving into the spare room, that I can't and don't want to try and read your mind. She just told me she wanted to move into the room, not that she wanted everything of mine out of there so she could have her own space.
It is time to drop the rope, I personally would not agree to any kind of living arrangement, I would say that it would not work because I would want to move on with my life and that is starting a new life for me without you. Being in the same house, eventhough you would not be in it at the same time does not allow me to do that. We will have to get two seperate places. I hope the children will understand that we will do the very best we can for them.
When my wife asked how would it be better for the children if we did not live side by side, I always reminded her that the best thing would be to have one house with two happily married parents is the best and that is what I wanted to work on. I found it so ironic when she wanted what is best for the boys and then in the same breath wanted to destroy what was their life is as they knew it. When they are being unrealistic, mentioning the children's well being really slapped her with some reality.
Again, I only did this once, as once is all it takes to tell her how you feel about the whole thing. Then I went into heavy DB'ing.
I'm sorry to hear your situation is heading similar to mine.
My wife told me yesterday that she is moving out soon (probably mid-April). I'm struggling on how to deal with it. I had thought I was doing well with my 180, but my wife says that she doesn't love me like a wife should love a husband so she can't see that working. A big difference, not sure if it's just to make it easier for her, is that she is trying to be really nice.
I have read some of your thread, you had posted that you've been following mine as it seems like we have very similar situations. I don't have any advice as I'm not sure what to do either. If anyone has time to take a look at mine, I would really appreciate it.
I keep thinking I messed up by how I handled my weekend trip with my boys, but I gotta remind myself that my wife had already set up an appointment with the realtor before I even brought up my trip. She was already planning the escape. I'm sure I made it easier for her by messing up how I communicated my trip, but it is still hard.
I just don't know what to do right now. To top it off, my youngest turns 3 today. I know I have to be strong for my boys.
So that's probably the best advice I can give you, is look at your signature. I wish I can give you more advice, but right now I'm struggling to find some yourself.
Me 41 WAW 36 S 3&7 M 10 yrs W files D 1/9/09 W moves out 4/18 Lost job 6/15 New job 7/27 Disc PA 8/10 (started Nov 2008!) Confronted 8/11 Admits PA & appologies for hurt 9/11 Lost Job 11/13
Ok check this out, is loving detachment like this scenerio:
Let's call my wife cleopatra, do I now relate to cleopatra as I would any other female friend. Another words being there to listen when needed. Being there to have fun with if she is interested in doing something fun. Just generally developing a relationship on that kind of level, where if they don't want to talk right now or even for a week or so, I would just say to myself, oh well cleopatra is just doing here own thing right now and doeasn't want to talk or do anything with me right now. So whatever. Obviously this would be a female friend that i am atracted to and would like to develop a relationship with, but if it doesn't work out then it just wasn't ment to be?
If I look at it that way it would be almost exactly how our relationship started.
I had just turned twenty one the month before I ment her. She came to the town we currently live in to stay with a friend that lived next door to me and my 2.5yr older brother in some apts. So we met at a partying type situation where we just sort of talked a little. I thought she was cute, but at the time I had made apersonal decision as to not put the moves on any girls, I just was never good at that. i decided to just be myself and relax, buit flirt a little.
It's funny because my brother was putting the moves on her as well but in a more forward way, he was we called way back then, scamming on her. Yet I wound up with her and he didn't.
She later told me that what had initially attracted her to me was the fact that I seemed sweet and very gentlmen like. As well as the fact that I wasn't giving her the full court press my brother was. I told her then that I had decided for myself that if it works out with her that would be great, but if it didn't then i guess it just was like all the other girls and it just wasn't ment to be.
So should I start treating my situation like that now and take on that same mind frame, cuz it seems like that's what you are all saying.
Ok check this out, is loving detachment like this scenerio:
Let's call my wife cleopatra, do I now relate to cleopatra as I would any other female friend. . . .
Obviously this would be a female friend that i am atracted to and would like to develop a relationship with . . .
That would not be my recommendation. My suggestion would be to treat her like you would a roommate, or the mailman -- kind, courteous, civil . . . no more.
By definition, someone with whom you want to have a relationship, you PURSUE, and I think you're setting yourself up for pursuing behavior. You don't "detach" from someone you're trying to have a relationship with!
I'd welcome dburt's take on this, but that would be my recommendation.
No going dark is when you have no contact with them at all. Think about it as going dim.
You do things to make yourself happy that don't include her. You can invite her to participate in activities with your kids, but if she doesn't want to participate, then no big deal.
This way she can see your changes and see how positive and happy you are with or without her.
Make her wonder.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
With someone that comes up to speak with me, I am very nice, codial and polite. Otherwise I just let them pass on by, maybe a little bit of a smile while I go, no more.
This is not like when you met her, because you wanted her. Quit scamming (I am your age) just let it be, and when the rope is dropped I bet your girl will be hard pressed not to find out what is going on.
This takes time, do not fall off, if she does not come back, you are going to be OK, it is not the end of the world, and it is a very real possibility. But by pursuing her, and pressuring her, and nagging at her, and questioning her, this will fast track her to where you do not want this thing to go.
With the risk of sounding gay, "Be cool boy." from the musical Westide Story. That is probably what she liked in the first place, being cool, and not all up in her business.
