WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 5

[MrBond]

"I did float out the idea of finding someone else as I had been looking for something more relationship focused. She said she would be open to trying someone/thing else if I wanted to."

Obviously she's not into it or going to participate. Right now is not the right time for her so I wouldn't push it. She should actually go on her own for herself and not for the R. Right now your W is seeing everything in the R as negative, so anything associated with it (M included) is not for her. She's just going for you which is the wrong approach. She has to want to go.

MLC is like alcoholism. First they have to recognize that it is a MLC. Then they have to get help for themselves. We can try all we want, but it WILL NOT change their mind until they want to.

"I walked right by her and she said "I was just about to give you a hug".

Maybe you should have said, "okay if that's what you want". Then do it, but act indifferent either way. She's doing it to make herself feel better about putting you down.

"I replied to one of them after about 30 minutes (I was on a conference call). Minor chit chat stuff, I didn't answer her how am I doing today question (I almost wanted to reply how does she expect me to feel knowing that she will be moving out soon) but put at the closing "Our hug this morning was really nice though"

Start detaching yourself. You shouldn't have responded to everything. Maybe just one and mention that you were busy. Then end it. And you DEFINITELY shouldn't have said that about the hug. You're showing her your neediness. And also showing her that you'll be okay as long as you get your daily hug. Believe me buddy, you'll be lucky if you get a hug or anything else for that matter once SHE decides to stop it. Then you'll be disappointed again, feel sad, regretful, etc. You've got to be the first to detach yourself from that now. You're setting yourself up for a big fall.

DB counseling is fine. And you can try Retrouavaille. I've heard that miracles do happen there, but every case is different. I think it helps more if your W has a strong faith in God as it is faith based.

IF she moves out, then you cut her out. don't call, don't pursue, don't leave TMs, nothing. Talk only if it concerns the kids. If she calls, keep all conversations short and always end it first. The thing is you want her to wonder about you and show her that she is not the key to your happiness.

Again, with a MLC person, that's all you can do. You stick to the changed person that you are and live as such. She's going to have to find her own path.

The problem is that if you continue to "help" her along the way by letting her hug you, be overly friendly, you apologizing for every time that she feels angry (even when you are not at fault), she's going to keep being nice to you until she's out the door. Then once she's out, she's going to shut the door and be the one who doesn't initiate anything friendly and you're going to be left wondering WTH happened?

Look over your posts again. Her interactions to you have been like a mom to her child. She punishes you for your "bad" behavior, and rewards you for good behavior, but only when she feels like it.

Stay compassionate, yet firmly rooted in your beliefs and do what is right for you and your kids. Not her.