Oh and Puppy as far as me standing up for myself as being a 180, it actually isn't. Matter of fact it's my old way, my old way was to fully assert what ans how 'I' felt things should be. So when I here your advice as to fully stand up for myself I get cornfused. I am currently trying to show her that I can be a compassionate flexible guy, before I wasn't so much.
W.O.M., obviously all I know about you (all ANY of us do) is what we read in what you post to us. We don't live with you, and all we can go by is how you characterize your conversations and interactions with your wife.
Based on those, I disagree with your own assessment of yourself. In fact, I wonder if you're just believing what your WIFE says you were like, instead of your own true instincts? In any event, your reactions to your wife's relationship with this OM ("go to the concert and have a good time, dear!") are anything BUT "fully asserting yourself," in my opinion.
So yes, I believe you should stand up for yourself. That's just my opinion, but I believe I steered you right on what you would find of this "friend" relationship, didn't I?
Unconditional love is misunderstood. Yes, the LOVE is unconditional, but there are a whole set of behaviors that very much DO have conditions upon them. I LOVE my wife (and my children, for that matter) unconditionally. But that doesn't mean that I will accept just ANY words or behavior from them if I feel it violated my own sense of personal integrity. For example, sometimes a person living with an alcoholic has to say "I love you, but I can no longer live with you if you don't get help."
My own personal integrity -- my faith, my beliefs, my values -- are MORE important to me than my love for my wife. That is HEALTHY, and that is what I've needed to LEARN. Before, I was far too (perhaps even totally) co-dependent and enmeshed with my wife, and that is NOT healthy.
