Of course, this was before my education here and I blew up at her and said for her to get out of la la land, that the divorce would not be easy and perfect for everyone, it would be difficult on everyone and especially for the boys who need a father 24/7 not just on weekends and sporting events. At first when she said she was finished I even questioned her motherhood to put our boys in a potentially dangerous situation for their well being. She sure did not like that at all.
Burt
I find it very instructive that one of the very few guys who's having success right now, took a very strong stand with his wayward spouse.
Ok Puppy I don't understand your, "Except for"??????, coment please elaborate.
So should I totally just frame my relationship with my wife as being over?
I still want to be married to her obviously, and I still want to work on reconciliation.
I don't understand how I can still be working on detachment, 180s, etc. and still work on this.
Or should I just totally move on with my life, because most of the time that sounds like the advice that i am getting here.
Oh and Puppy as far as me standing up for myself as being a 180, it actually isn't. Matter of fact it's my old way, my old way was to fully assert what ans how 'I' felt things should be. So when I here your advice as to fully stand up for myself I get cornfused. I am currently trying to show her that I can be a compassionate flexible guy, before I wasn't so much.
You see she often felt as though she was walking on eggshells; how will he react to this, if I ask him to do this what will he expect in return. She told me she felt as though my lover for her was conditional.
So I am trying to show her in my actions that she can feel safe to ask me to do something and there won't be strings attached. I also want her to feel safe to tell me stuff and not wonder how I will react, I just want her to feel that I am in her corner no matter what.
So how do I do all of this when I am being told on here to stand up for myself and detach. She had always felt I was detached before and that my needs came before hers.
Ok Puppy I don't understand your, "Except for"??????, coment please elaborate.
I was referring to the comment that such a living arrangement doesn't work for anyone "except for" the kids. To me, they are EVERYTHING, and I think there is virtue in sublimating our own needs and desires -- at least for awhile, to the extent that we can and still stay emotionally healthy -- to those of our children.
Sorry for being so cryptic; I was trying to make a point.
Oh and Puppy as far as me standing up for myself as being a 180, it actually isn't. Matter of fact it's my old way, my old way was to fully assert what ans how 'I' felt things should be. So when I here your advice as to fully stand up for myself I get cornfused. I am currently trying to show her that I can be a compassionate flexible guy, before I wasn't so much.
W.O.M., obviously all I know about you (all ANY of us do) is what we read in what you post to us. We don't live with you, and all we can go by is how you characterize your conversations and interactions with your wife.
Based on those, I disagree with your own assessment of yourself. In fact, I wonder if you're just believing what your WIFE says you were like, instead of your own true instincts? In any event, your reactions to your wife's relationship with this OM ("go to the concert and have a good time, dear!") are anything BUT "fully asserting yourself," in my opinion.
So yes, I believe you should stand up for yourself. That's just my opinion, but I believe I steered you right on what you would find of this "friend" relationship, didn't I?
Unconditional love is misunderstood. Yes, the LOVE is unconditional, but there are a whole set of behaviors that very much DO have conditions upon them. I LOVE my wife (and my children, for that matter) unconditionally. But that doesn't mean that I will accept just ANY words or behavior from them if I feel it violated my own sense of personal integrity. For example, sometimes a person living with an alcoholic has to say "I love you, but I can no longer live with you if you don't get help."
My own personal integrity -- my faith, my beliefs, my values -- are MORE important to me than my love for my wife. That is HEALTHY, and that is what I've needed to LEARN. Before, I was far too (perhaps even totally) co-dependent and enmeshed with my wife, and that is NOT healthy.
Like I keep saying tough love works on me, that's what I grew up with so I hear it, thanks.
Keep the sound advice coming, I feel I am really building a true support group on here like I have never experienced in my life. I can't say enough how much it meens to me.
I don't think the two are mutually-exclusive, WOM. DB teaches a technique of "dropping the rope," and I think that's what you need to do. It doesn't mean you GIVE UP, but it DOES mean that you convey a sense of MOVING ON.
I mainly just don't see the difference between living like this (alternating two houses together, sharing all expenses, etc) and staying married but just avoiding each other in one big house.
If you can't get along in a M because on spouse wants away that much, then how are you going to stay friendly and cooperative in this sort of tight intertwined relationship that has all of the challenges of M (paying bills, raising kids, getting along, etc) but none of the long term commitment. And if you can't stay friendly and cooperative, then how is it benefiting the kids?
It also seems like you are lying to the kids and pretending to them that you are still married? How will they react when they find out the truth?
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
