The only problem I have ever seen with this arrangement, where the parents share the apt. on off days, too, is that neither one really has a space that is wholly there own. If you can live with that, then you are right, it is best for the kids, barring reconciliation and an intact family.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
The wife now told me this morning she will move into the extra bedroom and I can have the big bed until we move. She said we will just have to buy another twin size bed for her to use, which is fine because we were going to being buying one for my three year old pretty soon any how.
I had planned on telling her today i would go into the extra bedroom today as well though. I had worked out in my mind that I could use the room as sort of an escape for me and a way to get out of her 'space'. This way I could give her space.
What do you all think, should I just let her go to the extra room or stay in our normal room.
What complicates this is that we have not told the boys that we will eventually be divorcing or anything. My youngest son gets in bed with us in the middle of the night often and will not understand why his mom is not in the bed.
I feel gulity that my wife has to move out of our bed and the thought that we may never share the same bed again is overwhelmingly painful of a thought!
Sheesh, don't feel guilty. Sleep where you want. Just don't be snotty or mean about this situation, or placating and pursuing. You need to prepare for the fact she is going to divorce you and you need to accept that. Expecting this not to happen will kill any chance that it *might* not happen.
Have you found any support groups, started hanging out with friends???? What are you doing for yourself?
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
She elaborated on where she stands at this point.--> she said that as time goes on she is more and more convinced that the only way she can truly take care of herself is if we divorce, separation is no longer an option. She says that she needs to process the past about the hurt I caused her and why she would let it happen. the only way she feels that she can truly do this is if we are divorced because otherwise there is to much ambiguity.
Oh puleeze -- gag me.
Sorry, couldn't resist. But that's just so immature and selfish (and yet so utterly SCRIPT).
Puppy
It's totally script. My W said almost the same cr@p to me word for word. It's all about me now, I have to figure out why I let you do what you did to me and I didn't leave, I have to figure out why I pick the men I pick, etc... She moved out into the other room a few months ago. Now she wants a legal separation. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were writing my situation in your posts.
Standard script stuff. It doesn't mean anything. The future is anybody's guess. Keep your head out of guessing. It's what I'm working on right now and have been for some time. When you see your mind wandering into the 'future' (which never exists) bring it back to NOW. To the task at hand.
You won't know where it all lands until you get there.
"I feel gulity that my wife has to move out of our bed and the thought that we may never share the same bed again is overwhelmingly painful of a thought! "
You're right - it is an overwhelmingly painful thought. But it doesn't exist except for in your head. This is what I'm talking about. Don't project out - nobody knows what the future holds, no one, so it's a total waste of energy and time to let your mind wander in that direction. You'll only drive yourself crazy over an illusion. Maybe you will sleep in the same bed again, maybe you won't. Why is it that the projection has to be negative? I say leave it all alone - positive and negative projection - there's no place in life for it. It's just mental masturbation in a fantasy land that doesn't actually exist.
As far as who moves into the other room - that's a decision you have to make. If you move, you would probably look on that as you actually hearing her and giving her the space. Fighting over who moves into the other room is just going to prove her right - it's up to you. Personally if my W had asked me to move instead of her, I would have done it. But she had already made up her mind that she was the one that was going into the other room. No sense digging your heals in with a battle you can't win. It's your call - I'm sure some people will see it differently than me.
We told my kids that I snore alot and it keeps mommy awake so she moved into the other room to get good sleep. My kids are 3 and 5 so they didn't question it.
So I talked to the wife about her moving into the other room some more.
I asked why she wanted to be the one to move. She said she agreed that I am so tall that our big bed is the only one my feet won't hang off of unless I sleep on the floor. She also said that she wants to have her own space and for me to have her own space.
She said she thinks it's the best option given the fact that I can't afford to pay for a studio to live in right now. If she had it her way I would be making enough money to move out so she could have her space.
She then asked why i wanted to, I said I have a lot of reasons. She then asked what does it mean for me that she was moving to the other room, I paused, then said it means a lot of different things to me.
She then said, you see every time something like this comes up it's like you have to go through it all over again.
She very often assumes what I am thinking or conjectures what I am thinking. I told her she has no idea what's going on in my head and stop trying to assume you do know. I then said I realize and deal with what is going on at every moment in the day so don't say that every time something comes up I have to deal with it agian.
wom: I think you handled the talk about moving into the other room quite nicely. You stood up for yourself and showed some assertiveness. From your earlier posts, that seemed to be a problem for you, so I think that qualifies as a 180 on your part.
Just remember to detach as much as you are able and work on you.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
2. She said that the way she would like things to be is that she and the boys move into a smaller house and I move into a studio apt. She said then we can co-parent the boys. Meaning she would like it if the boys would not have to be shuffled back and forth between my studio and the house. She went on to say that means a few days a week I would say in the studio and a few days a week she would stay in the studio.-------> is this a good thing?
I guess this has to be up to you, but personally I think it is a terrible idea.
It is supposedly good for the kids, and my W suggested the same sort of thing when she was talking about D and looking for a way to make it painless for everyone, but...
it seems to me that neither spouse gets to move on. You are then tied together forever - living in separate houses together. Neither of you can build a new life, new relationships, etc. Except for the kids, it would seem to be a situation that is the worst of both worlds - neither married nor free.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
2. She said that the way she would like things to be is that she and the boys move into a smaller house and I move into a studio apt. She said then we can co-parent the boys. Meaning she would like it if the boys would not have to be shuffled back and forth between my studio and the house. She went on to say that means a few days a week I would say in the studio and a few days a week she would stay in the studio.-------> is this a good thing?
I guess this has to be up to you, but personally I think it is a terrible idea.
It is supposedly good for the kids, and my W suggested the same sort of thing when she was talking about D and looking for a way to make it painless for everyone, but...
it seems to me that neither spouse gets to move on. You are then tied together forever - living in separate houses together. Neither of you can build a new life, new relationships, etc. Except for the kids, it would seem to be a situation that is the worst of both worlds - neither married nor free.
This house setup situation must be very common as my wife said something similar. We could sell our big house and get 2 small houses side by side no less, so my two boys could go back in forth as they pleased. Of course, this was before my education here and I blew up at her and said for her to get out of la la land, that the divorce would not be easy and perfect for everyone, it would be difficult on everyone and especially for the boys who need a father 24/7 not just on weekends and sporting events. At first when she said she was finished I even questioned her motherhood to put our boys in a potentially dangerous situation for their well being. She sure did not like that at all.
