I decided to send it................ I sent a final plea I guess.I needed this for me. I needed to know that I was clear, and I believe I was. I doubt he's going to be very happy today, but I haven't been for almost 7 years, so he can go thru it one more time. Yah, in a selfish mood right now. I guess after writing that I'm also angry. Angry that all this time I had to be so considerate and always make sure what I said was in the right way etc........ Yet I was never given that same respect..... ok Im ranting and Ill feel better later, but for now, Im just grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Im gonna paste this letter I wrote cause I want to post his reply to get feedback and I think I have been not giving him some credit he deserves. No need to read it if anyone finds it to long. I was brutally honest.
))))) LETTER SENT TODAY ))))))))))))
Ive been meaning to write to you since you left, but couldn't muster up the courage to do so, and also, I feel as if everything has been said so much that Im just making things worse. I also think that I have heard your answer over and over and Im maybe unwilling to deal with it. Because of the way these things have been said, or when, Im gonna basically start over. I NEED to be clear for mylsef here. For ME< I needed to do this.
At this point I have assumed that this is the marriage you want. You want me to just stop, and live a happy life with you without sex in it, or intamacy which of course is directly linked. I will not say that I can accept that, but I need to know if this is the case. We are so disconnected that although sex is a high priority, its only one of the things we would need to work on before we found our way back to each other. As now, I do feel I have a roommate and not a husband.
(( Warning, I will be blunt and very honest here, NONE of which is meant to be mean or hurtfull, I just have to get it all out, A final time ))))))
Without talking this thru, as a couple it won't get better. 1 of 2 things will happen. I will forfeit a life without sex or intimacy and we will remain disconnected. Yes, we get a long great for the most part if I shut up, but that's just it. When I do, and I am sure you can agree that I have, and sometimes for years at a time, things are great, but I am in that time not only a roommate, but I am not happy with the situation, and longing for more. Then, #2, I give up one day finally, and I leave. I do not want that.
At this point I really do not see any change happening without help. I think it is beyond our means now. It has been too long. This past October, we had a pretty big fight. At the time I felt good that it had opened your eyes and mine to what had been going on, and what needed to be going on in the future. We decided to write letters. You told me that you would write. It never happened then you stated you did not remember even saying this. H, I can't do this anymore. I can't have my feelings discounted in that way so often. It was hard enough hearing that you for 6 yrs don't remember all the pain. Everything I went thru was diminished to simply nothing. That since you really don't remember it, you don't think it happened. I do belive that without somekind of counselling it won't ever be ok. OK for me that is. We have tried everything else.
A few months ago you sent me an email asking me what would happen if we stopped talking or writing. Lonny, did we ever start?? You sent 2 emails. Then never again.
Now to the book. I'm glad you read it, I am. Im assuming your done cause you said you were at the end. I won't lie, I had expected some kind of talk afterwards. I know we did here, and when I asked about the book and if you had anything to talk about, you did. I was surprised that it was a complaint about me that had nothing to do with sex ect.... Yes, its good it came out if something was bothering you, Im glad we talked. However I had hoped it would cause somekind of discussion about the fact that we don't have sex. We are now in year 7 where I only need 2 hands to count how often we have made love.
As I said, maybe this is you, maybe your content in the way things are. If so, its all on me then.
Forgive me as I will jump all over the place.
I am NOT discounting what you must have gone thru either. I know that in the begining I handled it badly. I don't blame you for being scared to approach me back then. BUT, now is the time to either work for a better future, or to tell me in a clear way that YOU do NOT want sex, you do not want or intend to work with me.
One of the reasons I decided to write today was because of our phone conversation the other day. At the end you said, : I love you. I couldnt respond. I hung up and felt horrible. But I am uncomfortable saying it now. There were years were it was never said unless over the internet on msn or in a card. With the way things are I feel like were both lying when we say it. I really dont know. I just know that I hate what this has done to us. No one person is to blame, its the two of us who need to help each other now. But I cannot do it alone.
The book : Im glad you read it. You said you were at the end so I can only assume you must be done as that was awhile ago. I had thought that afterwards we would talk. When I did ask about it the once, you talked about a complaint you had about me. Im glad we talked about that, and I hope its somewhat resolved for you now. However, I did hope for something on the topic of the fact that we don't have sex. We are now in year 7 ( coming up ) where I dont need more then 2 hands to cound how often we have made Love.
Maybe this is you H. Maybe you don't want more, I dont know. I feel as if Im getting mixed signals. I am hurt, and I am angry, and I think that at this stage I deserve an answer I can understand.
But in all fairness, it has hurt us. I can't change in front of you anymore. I lock the doors, and its only getting worse.
I am looking forward to your response. Say what you feel, and if Im correct in my assumption then I do now feel ok. That I did all I could do to change it. Its ok.
I should have a response tonight. Here it goes.............
