Over the Shock - Detaching and GALing

[stillloveshim]

You know what? I agree. Sometimes you have to put yourself out there for possible rejection, praise or nothing. It's exciting and I bet you felt like you "did something!"

That's why I broke the rule, sort of and asked my H if he wanted to be with ex-OW, if he still wanted to pursue her. And for me, I got the answer I wanted, which is no, "but she and I have to be civil, we work together." I get that and agree. And he also mentioned when he was pursuing her, we (H and me) were at a different place in our relationship. I thought that was good too. He could have said, as he used to, "It doesn't matter because we are done." And if we are done, he's right, he doesn't have to answer my questions or even care, but I'm hoping he answered and mentioned the time frame when this all happened with him and ex-OW from his EA we were in a difference place because he does still care what I think because he's confused and not sure what he wants for our future.
But to be honest there have been more moments lately when I'm thinking "Screw this. I can do better. I deserve better." I honestly believe if it weren't for our S, I would probably be gone.
I think you are doing well. And keep in mind how she's feeling about her mother. When my father was recovering and we weren't sure of the outcome, I was a bit much to deal with. I was very sensitive and had the hardest time trying to concentrate.

[Thinker]

Thanks

I do know, mainly from conversations that I overhear, that my W is completely focused on the situation with her mom, and that it is overwhelming her.

Last night I approached her in the kitchen and told her that I was really sorry about her Mom and that I knew that it was really hard on her and hugged her and she cried on my shoulder for a minute and then pulled away. Other than that she has been carefully avoiding any contact with me.

Space and time...

[AJM]

Thinker. Good job.

Good attitude. You're there but not clingy. I bet dollars to donuts you wanted to hug longer. Good for you for not clinging on longer. And good that you understand and are empathetic. That shows great progress!

Time. Space. Repeat.

I think you have it.

AJ

[stillloveshim]

Yeah, Thinker, you are definitely a better DBer than me.
I think you are doing an amazing job.
What's the latest?

[Thinker]

I'm not so sure about that - I just think my sitch is different. My W is herself detached and non-communicative, so it is easier to stay detached myself.

My sitch has changed a lot over the past months. It started out as something like a MC / WAW with her agressively pulling away and me pursuing. Then I started DBing and exposed the EA about 3 months ago. The EA seems to have fallen apart and things seemed to be getting better, then we had a series of bad events having nothing to do with me (the accident with our 9month old, her mothers cancer) that seem to have stopped all progress and driven her into herself and further away from me.

I work from home, so am here all day, but spend most of it closed in my "office". My W spends the day doing her thing - ferrying the boys around, visiting with friends, etc. In the evenings we are more like roommates - working together to get through dinner and the boys bedtime routine, but otherwise not talking. She spends most of the evening on the phone with her family talking about her mom, and otherwise spends a lot of time in bed staring at the wall. The only way she really interacts with me is through the boys - ie coming up and fussing over them while I am playing with them.

I really have no idea what is going on in her head right now - and am mostly trying to avoid thinking about it too much. I know she is unhappy with her life and miserable over her family and is (in some way) projecting a lot of this onto me and our R/M.

I know (now) that we did not have the best R, but I think I have worked through a lot of my part of it and don't think I am giving her any current cause to be unhappy, but she is stuck on historical feelings and current problems.

I really feel sorry for what she is going through and at the same time have a kind of sad feeling that we are just continuing to drift apart. She may return to the R at some point, but somehow I just keep waiting for her to break out of silence with a new sudden declaration that she is unhappy and needs a change - and that I am that change.

Oh well, until something changes -- time and space (and focus on myself).

I have been exercising every day, trying to train for a short triathlon in June (my first) and this weekend am going on a men's retreat this weekend which should give me a chance to reflect a bit.

Tomorrow I am going to get her out of the house for a few hours to go to a comedy show. I invited a few of our mutual friends so that it would not be too much of a "date", but am not sure that they will come.

[Thinker]

My company just announced across the board salary cuts -- bummer!

[stillloveshim]

Well that just sucks.
I have a career pickel too. I interviewed for a job, got it. Then told my current bosses I was leaving. They gave a weak counter offer at best. HOWEVER, I do have amazing flexibility here and I am very comfortable. And my new big boss has some ugly things being said about new boss that is scary for me to think about working for them......long story short, I've decided to stay where I am.
The new boss finally calls and wants to give me the official offer. The new boss says "Do you accept?" I had to say yes because my current bosses can't give me the raise without seeing the new offer. So now, I have to call and say "No thank you." Basically, I'm not just burning a bridge, I'm about to torch it.

The other sad thing I had to consider is if I am going to suffer the big D, I need to be someplace where I can have a break down, and that would be here.

Not looking forward to this at all.

[stillloveshim]

I love comedy shows.

I think she probably knows it's not you. Not that I am suggesting this at all--don't do this--but I would bet if you said "I'm moving out and moving on with my life, let me know when you file," she would freak out and say slow down here.

I have a friend from back home in the big VA who has been very supportive of me fighting for the marriage. She always says "Well, put yourself in his shoes, what would you have said, what would you have done, etc." And when I can do that, it makes sense, I understand H a little bit better. But not fully because I don't live his life or know his thoughts.

I think your W knows you are there and while she may not appreciate it outright, on some level she does.

I think she'll snap out of it, but things with her family will have to settle down first I think. I think it's very difficult to live while you know someone you love is dying.

[Thinker]

Well that just sucks.

Yep -- ups the financial pressure around here at home, and my W and I have never jointly dealt well with financial pressure - my natural reaction is to clamp down and try to control and well...she doesn't respond well to control.

Neither one of us really does a good job of rationally discussing it -- something else for me to work on

Good luck with the new/old job change. I can understand the desire to minimize change / risk and keep some stability in your life. I kind of made the same decision. I had a bunch of feelers out and was interviewing for several positions when the bomb hit. At that point, I felt that if I took a new job which required me to work more, travel more, and possibly relocate, I would destroy all chances of reconciliation / repair to the R, so I stopped really interviewing and threw away the offer I had.

With today's economy, I may come to regret that...

[Thinker]

Thanks for the continued support.

One of the reasons that I am finding it so difficult to support and understand her is that her despair and misery clashes with my goals for myself.

I have always been the restrained (some would say repressed ;)) one in the R - avoiding conflict, not rocking the boat, not standing out, working for the future, and generally being personally conservative. My goals for myself are to get over this inhibition, let loose a bit, enjoy the moment, take risks socially, have fun and be a lot more passionate. Unfortunately, while I think she always really wanted this from me, right now it doesn't work around her - both bad timing and her general reaction to me. She has always been a fun and playful person, but not recently with me. A couple of times (not in the past few weeks) I picked her up and spun her around playfully and got only "Stop! What are you doing! Put me down!!" - not an environment for playful passionate fun

I need to find more ways to get out and practice being "the new me" on my own.