Just missing you guys a little!

[Amy M]

It's always amazing that when I feel most alone, I can log on here and feel the love from all you guys!!! So, hugs and love back to all of you, Jon, Tawnya, Sandi, pearl, and Kalni!!!

I'm just sad this morning, and Sandi, you are right (you must know me really well!!)...absolutely right! If she's gonna be part of their lives, I want them to love her and her to love them. I truly do. But, there is a part of me that still wishes she'd drop off the face of the earth. And, that's the part I struggle with. I've spent so much energy working on forgiving him. I didn't focus on her so much...I guess I thought she wouldn't last. Now, I have to just work on forgiving her. That's hard. I don't know her well, and I certainly don't have any good memories of fun times like I do with H. So, this is a whole new level of forgiveness. I KNOW God can help me through that too.

It's just hard this week. I wasn't expecting to feel the way I do. I wasn't expecting the extreme sadness. I wasn't expecting the loneliness. Why didn't he just tell me the day I confronted him about her..."Amy, I love her and I'm going to make my life with her"? Then, maybe I would have already dealt with some of this. It feels like I'm starting all over in some ways...tears just kept coming yesterday and last night and this morning.

I even looked for jobs in another city last night (I can move 350 miles from here per my settlement). I know that's so wrong...to run from it, but I just didn't think I could bear having her at the boys sporting events and school plays, etc. I mean, she stole their dad from this family!!! How can she just be okay with what she's done??? How can H be okay with what he's done??? I don't get it, and I don't get how they can be okay with it!!! I'm NOT OKAY WITH IT!!!!

Okay...well, maybe now that I got it out again!!!

For a split second last night I considered just not contacting the attorney. I considered making H get his own and forcing him to make the next move. But, then I realized that H would likely try to "steal" more time with my babies, and that there's nothing to stop him from getting it. So, I'm sending the papers back today with a note to the attorney to hurry, hurry, hurry!!!


Hope everyone else is having a good week. Mine will get better quickly...had hard times before and God always pulls me through!!

Love you all!
Amy