I haven't talked to you in a while, but have kept up with the stitch. In my opinion, your wife is behaving in a very inappropriate manner for a married woman and mother. I am sorry, but I do not believe what she is telling you about her "friends". Oh, she may be meeting some female friends, alright, but I think it is leading to no good! I do not believe she is out with other females until 3:00 a.m. It could happen, but I just have my doubts. You have asked her several times about having an EA and of course she denies it. But, don't you expect her to deny it? When she offered her cell phone to you, I think she was taking a gamble that you would not check it out b/c she knows you that well. I think if you had.....you would have been shocked. But, I don't think you want to know that she is having an EA.
Now, I am going to talk very plain to you b/c I feel that I have been where your wife is now....okay? First of all, after the baby was born....everything started going downhill. That can happen easily when both parents are working and everyone is tired, etc. It takes a lot of effort to keep the romance and passion alive when there is a new baby in the house. Apparently, she was exhausted and it became more of a habit and the two of you fell into a very bad and serious rut. The two of you were probably waiting on the other one to make a move, but in the end......she became somewhat comfortable with the lifestyle, but yet after a while, she became lonely also. Now, here is the gut punch.........I think she became bored with you. She did not feel passion and I think she is confusing "in love" feelings with passion. You see, my H and I fell into the same habit of that life style and I became so lonely and felt desperate for passion in my life.....however, he was no longer attractive to me, so I found it elsewhere. I am afraid that is what happened to your wife. She no longer finds you attractive or exciting and that is what she is craving. How could she leave her 4 year old at home, and her H, as often as she does.....going out with soooooo many "friends" and having so many other places that require her to be away........doesn't that seem inappropriate to you? I realize I am old fashion, but it seems when couples start having separate social lives, you can bet there will be trouble! Why would she have all these places and friends to be with without you? Why don't the two of you have friends together?
For one thing, it is like you said about those female friends of hers. Friends have "something" in common to keep that bond. So, if they are D or having M problems or cheating on their S.....then she is in very bad company and it is influencing her a lot. To me, it is highly disrespecting you! You can draw boundaries, but you can't control her actions. However, if you can figure out how she has to suffer the consequences for her bad decisions (like staying out until 3:00) that would make a stronger statement to her.
In my opinion, I think you need to think that there is a very strong possibility that she is turning to another man to receive affirmation, or excitement, or passion. So, you have competition! If you want to keep her, then you must outshine the OM (whoever he may be). That means that you will really have to go to work on becoming more interesting and exciting and fun to be around. Stop focusing on the idea that she is wanting a D. That is robbing you of your strength and keeping you so pulled down that that is why you are "so tired". What were you like when she fell in love with you? I bet you looked your best every time she saw you. I bet you wore your best cologne and you showed your sexiest smile and put all your charm into action. Whatever your personality is, make the most of it. We all have different personalities and they don't have to "change" but they can be improved.
When I read that you stayed in your PJ's on Saturday.......I knew right then you had some problems with your appearance that needed to be worked on. Sure, it's nice to have a day to lay around and not have to shave or get dressed or even brush your hair......but who wants to look at that? You have to put those days behind you and work you a$$ off to become a more attractive, sexy, male. Stop acting like an old, half dead, married man that has no life left and no passion. That is what she is craving......I just know it.
You do not feel good about yourself. You are worried sick and feeling desperate. That is showing through to her loud and clear and it is a huge turn-off for her. So that is why you need to really get into a program of focusing on YOU and how you can become the best person you can be. I can tell by the way you write that you are about to give up. You have got to find the FIGHT in you and use it to make yourself a person with zest, who is vibrant and enjoys life everyday. You have got to do this for yourself.........did you hear me? DO THIS FOR YOURSELF......not a game plan to get your wife back. You have to get into a survival mode here b/c you are going down, if you don't. The added benefit of all of this will be drawing your wife back b/c she will once again become attracted to you. She must feel sexually attracted to you first. So, you might say you can put the idea of "love" on the shelf for a while and just work on becoming a self-assured man who has a healthy self-esteem and it will show through your very presence. Practice (if you have to) being sexy again. The way you would talk to her. The things you would say to her. But at the same time, you are not really pursuing her. Does that make sense? Probably not. Okay, think of it this way......think of you two not being married to each other and you are a guy that is so self assured in who he is and you are the greatest catch any woman could get and you will be just fine with or without her. That is how you live "as if". You go around happy, positive, fun, etc. and act as if it does not matter what mood she happens to be in or what she does......you are just fine being who you are and she is not going to affect that. That is self-assurance. That is male strength that women like in a man. If you have a male hero that you would like to imitate his ways as a role model.......go for it....if it will help you. Some of the guys have done that and would ask themselves what would _(name of hero) do in this situation? May sound silly but it worked for some of the men.
I guess you feel like I have beat you half to death, but really it is my way of trying to shake you up and make you try harder b/c I am so afraid you are giving up. Look, even if a D goes through, it doesn't mean the absolutely "end" unless she marries another person. The two of you are going to be living under the same roof for a while, so that gives you more time. She probably is going through some type of "crises" in her life, maybe MLC....I don't know, but I think I know how she is feeling. She is starved for the things she has not had since that child was born and now it is like another woman has taken over her body. She doesn't even understand what is happening to herself. She won't tell you that, probably, but I'm sure that is what is happening. She is confused and she is so desperately unhappy and the only answer she knows is to get away from what she thinks is causing her unhappiness.
Okay....long post, so I'll go. But please don't give up. Go back and look at my list of DO'S AND DON'TS as your clip notes of the DR book. Look great and smell great at all times and play a little hard to get, but always be sexy. You remember how, don't you?
Take care of yourself, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
