I know that I am going thru some stuff and may not be the best at giving advice, but something jumps out at me. It seems as though she is burnt out on all of the old tired stale relationship worries that have gotten in the way in the past. The fact that she doesn't want to 'go there' may be in the dynamic of how those discussions play out. If I were lucky enough to have gotten to the point you are at, I would drop all of the bad stuff in the past (at least while you are with her) and live up beat and happy in the moment. If the fear is pursuing, then don't pursue. Make plans each week, take the initiative to plan dinners, etc on your own. Invite her to join, if she says no or acts like she doesn’t want to be with you, simply follow thru on your own. Don’t even remind her that it was her idea. Just tell her that it is fine and maybe you can come another time.
Good luck and let me know what you think will work best.
I know that I am going thru some stuff and may not be the best at giving advice, but something jumps out at me. It seems as though she is burnt out on all of the old tired stale relationship worries that have gotten in the way in the past. The fact that she doesn't want to 'go there' may be in the dynamic of how those discussions play out. If I were lucky enough to have gotten to the point you are at, I would drop all of the bad stuff in the past (at least while you are with her) and live up beat and happy in the moment. If the fear is pursuing, then don't pursue. Make plans each week, take the initiative to plan dinners, etc on your own. Invite her to join, if she says no or acts like she doesn’t want to be with you, simply follow thru on your own. Don’t even remind her that it was her idea. Just tell her that it is fine and maybe you can come another time.
Good luck and let me know what you think will work best.
I wouldnt' really consider where I am lucky or a place you want to be at either, cause I kinda believe that the reason we are still kinda amicable is because while at the same time I am working my DBing game, she may be working a game of how to try to make for an amicable divorce. That is something she has been pushing for since the bomb. Even both of us had different agendas going to MC for the few sessions we did do before she quit. I went in wanting to heal the marriage, and she was hoping for pre/post divorce counseling to make sure we are amicable in a separation and D.
But you're right...I should be really just looking for new restaurant or some new actvity that I'd like to do and maybe offer an invite like it was nothing big....if she goes for it...great...if not...oh well...as if.
We own a hair salon and she has always done my hair. I need a hair cut and she said last week that she would do it. She said that she just needs to feel we are compromising. I think that is in regard to her legal process. Should I ask her to do my hair, or should I find a stylist and just get it done. I can see both sides of both decisions. On one hand, she has always enjoyed making me look good and it is a time we laugh and talk, even 4 weeks ago after her announcement. On the other hand, if I go somewhere else, it will look like I am moving on, but she will be critical of another person's work and find reasons to think I don't look as good. Sounds petty, but it is an issue I need to face this week.
Petty or not, it is these types of situations that you find yourself in all the time. Let's look at it two ways, okay? One way is that you can have her cut your hair (since she said she would) and it can be another opportunity to outshine the OM and show off your charm and personality. You can be care-free and just act relaxed and talk about something interesting (plan ahead on what you can talk about) or something funny. The other option is not to have her cut your hair b/c you are trying to stay away and be unavailable to her. So, you need to decide which way you want to go. How do you want to handle it and which way would you feel more comfortable doing? If she cannot see OM any more than that, it gives you more opportunity to outshine him. But, if you are trying to pull back and be less available to her, then you need to try to do that. It is a hard decision for some, but you have to make it. Let us know what you do and how it goes.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Boy, I have up days and down days...today seemed down, for no apparent reason. We had a couple of days where we were very good to each other and happy in front of the kids. Yesterday, not any small talk, sort of a cold shoulder...not sure why just important not to react to it. Today she went to meet with an attorney (the appointment she asked me to go to together). I was tied up so she went alone. I have not really talked to her since, but she may want to go over some of it tonight. I hate that part. I did get my hair cut today, and the stylist did a nice job. It was wierd to go to someone else, it has been 14 years. I don't think my wife noticed as we just passed for a few minutes before she had to leave for work. I had a strange observation today. Before my wife and I got engaged, we were out shopping and doing things, dinner, etc. We passed a store that had estate pieces and when in to see some jewels. We saw an engagement band and it had a great story, turn of the century, sweet story about the couple, etc. It s the ring I bought for my wife when I asked her to marry me, I went back the next day to secure it. As the years passed, my wife always said that she wanted a bigger stone and maybe a new setting when we could afford it. She clearly wanted something she could be more proud of, and I certainly anticipated doing it on an anniversary one year. Anyway, the odd thing is that I just noticed that she still wears it. She takes it off to shower, dishes, etc., so it comes off. But even though she doesn't really like it as a jewelry piece, she is still wearing it. I know we all grasp at things, and I am certainly not trying to read anything into it. But I wonder what goes through a women's head at times like this, and I can't help but think that if it were me and the rolls were reversed and I was kicking the door down to file for divorce and get out ASAP, I probably would have had it in my jewelry box...discuss...
It s the ring I bought for my wife when I asked her to marry me, I went back the next day to secure it. As the years passed, my wife always said that she wanted a bigger stone and maybe a new setting when we could afford it. She clearly wanted something she could be more proud of, and I certainly anticipated doing it on an anniversary one year. Anyway, the odd thing is that I just noticed that she still wears it. She takes it off to shower, dishes, etc., so it comes off. But even though she doesn't really like it as a jewelry piece, she is still wearing it. I know we all grasp at things, and I am certainly not trying to read anything into it. But I wonder what goes through a women's head at times like this, and I can't help but think that if it were me and the rolls were reversed and I was kicking the door down to file for divorce and get out ASAP, I probably would have had it in my jewelry box...discuss.
Chi, this is an example of the very things that LBH's can start obsessing about. She could be sentimental over the ring, or it could be a habit that she just does without putting a lot of thought into it. Who knows what may be going through her head? But try very hard not to get hung up on these types of actions from her b/c it will drive you nuts trying to figure her out. I say that b/c this "ring" thing comes up all the time with men and their WAW. Try to put it out of your head. Not to sound cold hearted, but really, it is the least of your worries right now. I would strongly suggest, though, that you do not decide to try to pull a big romantic event and present a huge diamond ring at this time while things are in an upheaval. The timing is not right and it would not make her melt at your feet and make everything with the world right again.......as you would like to think it would. I know.....you did not say any of those things......that is me reading between the lines.
Take care, Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I, like you have a similar sitch in that my wife is a WAW who shows all the symptoms of a OP/EA though I have not been able to find any proof, but the cold shoulder, anger, no physical contact, sleeping apart are so much the same. My wife also wants to end this as quickly as possible - 15 years and she wants to flush it away as though it did not happen. I suspect a 'special friend' is waiting in the wings and will pop out when the divorce is done so that she does not look bad in front of family and friends.
I am moving out (reluctantly) for the sake of the children and the atmosphere. All the fantastic advice I have received is stored and been used, but she is oblivious to anything I have tried, so I have to take a gamble and see if detaching works, though at the moment she is detaching me. I support your question on whether to detach as I was seen as being neglectful to my wife and by detaching could be seen as 'much of the same'. I do not know what the best strategy is here? Also, by moving out this will give my wife the space she needs to maybe take the EA further (if their is one) to the next level. I hope I am wrong but I can see your sitch is so similar to mine.
Good luck.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Right. I know and as I said I wasn't reading too much into it other than that it was strange for a women desparate to end her marriage. I had no intention of buying her a ring, we barely speak, I was just mentioning it to illustrate that she doesn't like it as a jewelry piece. We would have a long way to go before we would feel like that again. Thanks and keep the straight talk coming...I need to hear it from people who have lived it.
