The three months out of the house have been eye opening. Her relationship with this other guy has grown stronger I believe and her relationship with my daughter has gone deeper and deeper in the toilet.
One thing I can be thankful for is that my W hasn't really found anyone else yet, that I can tell.
At this point, she is doing better with our D. Last weekend's talk with her cousin was helpful in that regard I think. (I told him not to implicate me. I have all but given up trying to address this issue with her)
Despite her loud and painful proclaimation on Valentine's Day that she wanted to date someone else, she is again acting like she is appreciative of my presence and open to minor displays of affection.
From what I understand, when a couple enters the 'peiceing' or initial reconcilliation stage, things must be slow and easy. Too much pressure will send them running again.
But on the other hand, if I ignore her, it will be like more of the same that caused the problem in the first place.
I think there has to be a balance between lots of 'GAL'ing and showing openness to the WAS, infrequently showing little signs of love, but definitely not getting ahead of where she is at in reconcilliation.
I am clear that one cannot win back the WAS on the basis of obligation to their vows, the childs best interest or any thing else that is external to them and misses the deeper issue, ie: that they will come back when they want to come back, when they realize that what they are looking for is what you are offering.
Last edited by native; 03/17/0912:50 PM.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
Hey native, I do think you are doing a good job. Sometimes it seems like a roller coaster & other times like a chess game! Doesn't it? You have gained some great insight & thanks for sharing.
I totally agree with sharing where you are going & what you are doing. In a good M or R that's just expected & usually offered without asking. I suppose it goes back to control and how one feels. Anger & resentment go hand in hand. Just as Love & respect go hand in hand.
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
'I totally agree with sharing where you are going & what you are doing. In a good M or R that's just expected & usually offered without asking. I suppose it goes back to control and how one feels. Anger & resentment go hand in hand. Just as Love & respect go hand in hand'
Thank you... I was beginning to think I was being unreasonable in expecting this to be part of a respectful relationship.
I don't know where the control accusations are coming from exactly. It seems the issues were ones she struggled with growing up in dealing with her mother. She once said her mother would take her paycheck from working at a her first job to pay for household needs without asking.
In our relationship, $$ and how it was managed was a real problem. We could never get on the same page. I just finally kept her out of the loop because she would react in a panic whenever I tried to tell her our situation. I wanted a reasoned, planned, long term strategy for getting out of and staying out of debt. She would want to sell the house for less than market value or other panic driven solutions to deal with debt.
When I kept telling her we did not have the $$ to buy this or that, she eventually rebelled. At least it seems that this was a big part of her frustration.
Well, she's a big girl now, and gets a monthly paycheck that is about $400 more a month than she did last year at this time. And though she pays nothing on our credit card debt, nothing on our mortgage, she spends every bit of her paycheck in two weeks, and is broke for the rest of the month.
Incidentally, this was a pattern she had in college. Her grandparents would send her money monthly, but it was spent in 2 weeks and she would practically starve until the next check.
Her 25 yo. cousin, Adam, who makes less than she does, gave her $40 out of frustration bc she was going to go to Charlotte with our D to spend the weekend with a childhood friend and her family, but had no $$ for gas or food. She was talking about possibly needing to sell her new car, but Adam lectured her on the fact that she would end up owing $$ bc she could not get what she paid for it (something I had told her for years about the depreciation of buying a new car off the lot). He said all she needed to do was to make a budget and not splurge and she would be able to afford her rental house and the car and other necessities. From what I gather, she listened unenthusiastically . (Budget? What a strange concept).
A few days ago we went out to eat as a 'family'. I paid. She casually asked me how my work was going. I told her that I had prayed for enough work to pay my bills and that work was being provided. Of course, our bank accounts are still visible to each other, so she sees what I am making. She knows I am making close to twice what she is making each month.
I hope she will start to appreciate the fact that she is not the greatest $$ manager in the world and get a clue. However, she is living like she said she never would, just like her parents who both live from hand to mouth each month, even though W has a steady paycheck and they never did.
About that paycheck, the latest news flash is that the UNC university system is going to have to cut a number of jobs due to budgetary restraints. While it would be ironic for her to lose her job, I do not wish it on her. I don't like seeing her in pain, but some pain is inevitable on the way out of the land of Stupid.
Last edited by native; 03/22/0903:59 AM.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
Strange that you should talk of money, debt & living from paycheck to paycheck. My theory is & it is only a general theory. If you grew up with your parents having debt & living from pay check to pay check and as an adult you thus did the same. It in a way is a strange, warped sense of security. And thus if you get out of debt, it is unfamiliar territory, almost in a sense "out of your comfort zone". I know it doesn't sound sensible or logical but our WAS is neither. My H was almost out of debt when he left. I have always wondered, if this was frightening for him & out of that "zone".
Good to hear her cousin talked some sense into her though. And good she heard it from someone else.
I can see why you get concerned, really planning on driving someplace with 0 money & with a child!!! That's just plane ridiculous!
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
I just think it is common courtesy to tell your mate where you are going and when you plan to be back, or at least call occasionally and update them so they don't worry.
And I think that shared responsiblity for childcare is also a reasonable expectation from your spouse....
I don't think that is too much to ask.
There....I feel better.
Hey Native,
You're 100% right. I guess I connect with you because it seems we have such similar situations. Sometimes we can see in others what we don't see in ourselves.
I am 46 and until she passed away last year everytime I would get on a plane after visiting my mother she would ask me to call her when I landed to let her know I got home safely. I use to hate that! As an adult she was trying to mother me like a child. "Watch the news, I guarantee they will anounce if my plane crashes LOL!" AND what was she going to do if the plane crashes? Come save me?
She knew it annoyed me and she told me it made her feel better so I should do it. She was putting her needs in front of mine. So I resented this not only because she tried to treat me like a child but becuase she was saying her needs were more important than mine and was using our mother/son realtionship to control me.
That said... You are right about the common courtesy. Unfortunately that is something I expect from friends and family because they care. I use to get it from my wife but don't expect it from her right now. You can guess the reason.
The way I try to approach it using your example. I tell her that knowing the weather is bad I know you are very capable of dealing with it. I will still sit here and worry about (your daughter) and her, so would you mind calling me to let me know you guys aren't stuck to take that concern away for me?
We can't expect them to be considerate of us until the relationship returns to where it was. If you really are concerned for your daughter's safety say so. Let everything else go.
BUT hey!!!!! I'm seperated so better think twice about my advice LOL LOL LOL!
By the way ... I myself don't like being on the seesaw.. one minute I think everything is going to be good and I'm ready to move on becasue this is not the person I loved and wanted to be with....
THEN..Bang... That old person shows back up and you think whoa... maybe I would like to work (DB) on this
THEN..bang! There's that other THING reminding me that my mariage is most likely over??????????????
ARGH!!!!!! Don't like it Sam I am...No I don't...I don't like green eggs and ham
Sorry! Had a great news, low point weekend.... and wish someone would wake me up from this very badddddd dream LOL!
My theory is & it is only a general theory. If you grew up with your parents having debt & living from pay check to pay check and as an adult you thus did the same. It in a way is a strange, warped sense of security. And thus if you get out of debt, it is unfamiliar territory, almost in a sense "out of your comfort zone".
Totally logical and it makes sense, even if she did complain that she did not want to live from paycheck to paycheck like her parents, she still 'manages' money like them. Her mom won't even consider saving. The planets are going to align or something soon and the monetary system will break down (actually, she may be right about the monetary system!!! LOL)
I have struggled myself with a view of money that has made me fearful of becoming wealthy, as if it would make me an unkind or selfish person. But I really think that is an unhealthy thought. I am really tired of working hard but only making as much $$ as I do.
As far as managing $$$, you know, the way I see it, its the little things we don't think about that add up. If someone goes to Starbucks every day, then eats out for lunch thats @ $12/day, $60/week, $240/mo......that's a car payment!
I did a budget for my WAS when she was freaking out about how she was going to pay for everything. I really don't think she is doing one each month for herself now.
As for me, my goal is to get the house ready to sell, and hopefully with the sale to pay off our credit card debt.
Also, I have an opportunity to be a caretaker for a bed and breakfast. I only have to be there at night, will have a seperate apartment and can live there for free. I will even get paid a small amount for being on call. That leaves me free for my day job and then I can begin to put some money aside for my retirement and another house. Plus the owner has a daughter who loves horses, as does my daughter. I'm sure they will be great friends.
I am trying to make this all work out, but it won't begin at the earliest until mid May.
When the house will sell is anybody's guess though.
Last edited by native; 03/23/0903:34 AM.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
The way I try to approach it using your example. I tell her that knowing the weather is bad I know you are very capable of dealing with it. I will still sit here and worry about (your daughter) and her, so would you mind calling me to let me know you guys aren't stuck to take that concern away for me?
That is a great response. Sad that we have to explain ourselves isn't it ? Still, that is hard to object to...
Last edited by native; 03/24/0902:07 AM.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
[quote=Kenn]By the way ... I myself don't like being on the seesaw.. one minute I think everything is going to be good and I'm ready to move on becasue this is not the person I loved and wanted to be with....
THEN..Bang... That old person shows back up and you think whoa... maybe I would like to work (DB) on this
THEN..bang! There's that other THING reminding me that my mariage is most likely over??????????????
quote]
Man, that is me too. I find myself daydreaming about holding her and being close. I don't want to let go. It helps that the Alien has not been seen lately. Still, I cant get too close as that would trigger the evil transformation.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
Beautiful!! You mind if a put that as one of the quotes on my fridge? I'll give full credit of course
Mine is actually different lately. No evil sayings anymore. Soemtimes distant. But now is wanting to be friends. Invited me over for dinner but about 2/3's through asked me if I could fix some stuff in the house. Always nice when they need something. You know I told her I would do my fair share on the house to sell it.
Nice lately -
1. aggreed to more on the seperation agreement than i asked for 2. invited me over for dinner
Bizarre!!!
today we were discussing a new job I have. We will all three be moving to Colorado. So because of the employment swap I said I might have to take my vacation early and that I had promised to take daughter to disney. (Disneyland Dad LOL!). Wife didn't like that. Said we just went last year. I said no, we were planning to go this year but our seperation threw all that around. She said well, we shouldn't let her think she is going to go to Disney every year. We can take her next year. As I wrote in another post - "we" you and what mouse in your pocket???? You're divorcing me you dork!! Of course those last two parts all took place in my head.
Native, I know exactly what you are talking about. I sit here an convince myself I will be doing good. This is not the person I want to stay with and then the real person comes back (like at dinner) and I get all screwed up in the head.......argh!!!!
