Hello everyone.... boy I have been out of touch.. I do email a few of you individually but haven't been on much in regards to my thread...
Some updates -here you go.. not sure what to think if anything really.
Two or three weeks ago the night before I was leaving for Cancun my H had a break down so to speak.. called me crying and it went something like this.
H - "I'm sorry for hurting you so badly", you didn't deserve it, you didn't do anything to me and you weren't mean to me.. I can't change the past and all the pain and hurt I've cause you and so many people. (he is crying through this) he said he is not looking for forgiveness from me, he isn't telling me this just b/c I'm leaving for Cancun or to make his pain any better. He doesn't know how it happened but it just happened. He said I don't know if we were meant to be together for eternity or not ... we were both crying 40 mins later we hang up.
Next Morning he comes over 6am so I can leave for airport.. he hugs me the biggest bear hug, kisses me, won't let go and is saying he is sorry again... we both kiss on the cheek. When I'm about to leave he is laying with our 4yr old in bed. I lean over to hug and kiss her (lean over him) he puts arm around me and won't let me get up and is rubbing my back etc...
Later that day he text me - saying he wants to coach our D4 soccer team that he won't let her down like he has so many others... then he texts that he is jealous and wishes he was there (meaning Cancun) and ends with "everyone misses you" second time since he left where he is trying to tell me his misses me ( I know him well enough)
Fast forward to last week - My DB coach told me to make sure I acknowledge how the convo above made me feel so he'll feel good about giving it again.. that he thinks he is a screw up and our marriage isn't fixable (he has said this before too) .. So I talk to him last week tell him how much it meant to me for him to open up, call me when he is feeling the pain, and not blaming me or the marriage for what happened. We talked for an hour on so many subjects - too much to put here.. just mentioned that I want him to find his truth in all this... what does he want out of life, "big picture" and I also touched on counseling as he mentioned a few people have told him he should go to individual counseling... I asked him what he is so afraid of? that it can only help him sort through some stuff... my H is ADD and has never been treated and through my DB coach have realized most of our marriage communication breakdown was due to this... I encouraged him to go for this reason alone...
Bottom line - he isn't ready to look at himself ... we talked D stuff and I shared with him that the OW will not be around our babies while they are little and that I hope he just takes some time with making decisions about his future and puts his girls first.. he cried some in regards to our girls. He is a very sentitive man and acknowledge the first 3 months he left are blurry to him and I told him he acted like a crazy man.. that I appreciate him stepping up now with the kids. He mentions numerous times how hard and painful this is for him too ... I finally asked him if this has been so hard for him why does he continue down this path and why he hasn't made any other choices.. he didn't have an answer for this.
One minute I'm done with this marriage and couldn't take him back and next minute I just wish I could say we tried everything for the sake of our girls before we throw in the towel for good... I really believe that if my H was willing to address his ADD and self esteem issues like I"ve address my faults in this marraige we'd have a great marriage and life together.. but I can't make him willing...
He thinks this OW is his answer and that they'll get married ( I know this through her facebook page) he doesn't tell me any of this but I know he wouldn't have just walked out of our marriage without any sign of being unhappy unless he thought this OP was his future... amazing that he could actually marry her - ugh...
He filed for D Feb 10th and nothing has happened since. Today I still want to work on this marriage but know I need to face reality that my H wants a Divorce... so hard to except...
My DB coach says he is breaking down a little now and the regrets will continue to increase if he is already feeling this way now... future is unknown.... I have to take it day by day...
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
