{{{Amy}}} Ugh I know that was tough to deal with him being sad and upset, but I know it's to be expected and you are doing a fabulous job of helping them get thru it!!!
Love and hugs
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Hi Sweetheart. I know you have been dreading the day that you had to tell your son how things were going to be. I also know you are scared to death that he is going to love the OW. But, let's get honest and serious here, okay? First of all, it would be better for his sake if he can love her and most of all that she can love your sons! Let's pray that she will be a good step-mom to them. That word even stings to hear it, doesn't it. Step-mom! Ugh! But, what if your sons hated her? Or what if she didn't like them? How horrible would their lives be from now on? They would hate going over there and you would stay upset at what she said or done while they were over there. Every time they came home and mentioned how they disliked OW, you would be upset all the time. Am I right?? You know I am, Amy. B/c you want what is best for your sons and you want their happiness above anything else in life. I know you do! So, since they more than likely will have a step-mom, then wouldn't it be best if they did like her and she could love them? Maybe they will grow to love her, who knows? But, remember this, sweetie, she will never, ever, be their mother. Nobody......NOBODY will ever replace you! They may grow to love her a lot, but they will never have the same feeling for any other person than they do you. That is just the bond that God set up for mothers and their children. Children even love bad mothers, don't they? Well, you are a great mother and they are always going to love you most of all. This OW and going to her house, etc. is all new and might even get exciting for them b/c she is going to put forth a lot of effort in trying to win them over to liking her and accepting her. But you don't have to try to win them over......b/c you already have them. So, don't be upset if and when they come back from visiting their dad and the OW and seem excited or happy over their visitation. It is b/c it is new and different and she is trying to show them a great time. They are the center of attention and your H and OW can be Santa Clause for a while (if you know what I mean) but eventually that will begin to wear off some.
Anyway, that is my love darts for ya! I think I may know a tiny bit of what is going around in that mind of yours. Don't worry sweetie.....okay? You will never be less that number one with your sons. Just don't make them "mama boys".......please. I married one of those types.....LOL.
Love you, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Since I don't have kids I can't really imagine how hard that conversation was for you. But I applaud how you handled it and I am sure your son will appreciate it even more as he gets older.
I feel you on the continued lying. WTF? xBF has a similar problem, even when I've explained that I've had enough and it isn't going to do him any good. Sigh. Personally I'm glad you called him on it, maintain those boundaries.
Sending good thoughts your way for a better day tomorrow!
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
It's always amazing that when I feel most alone, I can log on here and feel the love from all you guys!!! So, hugs and love back to all of you, Jon, Tawnya, Sandi, pearl, and Kalni!!!
I'm just sad this morning, and Sandi, you are right (you must know me really well!!)...absolutely right! If she's gonna be part of their lives, I want them to love her and her to love them. I truly do. But, there is a part of me that still wishes she'd drop off the face of the earth. And, that's the part I struggle with. I've spent so much energy working on forgiving him. I didn't focus on her so much...I guess I thought she wouldn't last. Now, I have to just work on forgiving her. That's hard. I don't know her well, and I certainly don't have any good memories of fun times like I do with H. So, this is a whole new level of forgiveness. I KNOW God can help me through that too.
It's just hard this week. I wasn't expecting to feel the way I do. I wasn't expecting the extreme sadness. I wasn't expecting the loneliness. Why didn't he just tell me the day I confronted him about her..."Amy, I love her and I'm going to make my life with her"? Then, maybe I would have already dealt with some of this. It feels like I'm starting all over in some ways...tears just kept coming yesterday and last night and this morning.
I even looked for jobs in another city last night (I can move 350 miles from here per my settlement). I know that's so wrong...to run from it, but I just didn't think I could bear having her at the boys sporting events and school plays, etc. I mean, she stole their dad from this family!!! How can she just be okay with what she's done??? How can H be okay with what he's done??? I don't get it, and I don't get how they can be okay with it!!! I'm NOT OKAY WITH IT!!!!
Okay...well, maybe now that I got it out again!!!
For a split second last night I considered just not contacting the attorney. I considered making H get his own and forcing him to make the next move. But, then I realized that H would likely try to "steal" more time with my babies, and that there's nothing to stop him from getting it. So, I'm sending the papers back today with a note to the attorney to hurry, hurry, hurry!!!
Hope everyone else is having a good week. Mine will get better quickly...had hard times before and God always pulls me through!!
Love you all! Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
Hi Amy - You have every right not to have to see OW and your H should respect that until you are ready and consequently she should not attend any childrens events.
As for hoping her to be a great stepmom, i would not hold my breath. She was carrying on with a married man, she destroyed your childrens family. If she had even the tiniest of morals , she would of had nothing to do with your H until he was D from you. You judge a person on their actions and to me she has screamed her intentions from the roof top and I dont think it was about being a great stepmom.
She has her own interests and if she is being nice now , it is because she is on best behavior. She cant have your H having to choose between her or his kids now. She wold never win long term. sh is a woman and one with a goal in sight.
Oh Amy, honey my heart hurts for you so much! I know you are in so much agony now. I am glad that you don't try to pretend to be this big strong giant when you don't feel like one. We all have those valleys in our lives and we have those days that we just dare anyone to tell us to "smile...God loves you"! Don't you just hate that? It makes me mad! (lol) Well, I had to laugh at that to let you know this is just plain ole Sandi here and that you can say anything and I think I can understand even if I have not been in your shoes. I have been very close to those shoes.....just in a different way. My daughter went through that and I felt that I shared a lot of her pain, too. Anyway, let's talk a little more and I prayed that God would help me say something to you that will help a tiny bit. The rest is up to Him.
Forgiveness........it is a hard thing. But it is a very necessary fact of life--if we are going to be healthy. And, sweetie, I want YOU to be very healthy in every way. This will take some time. You have grown in leaps and bounds since the first post I read from you. You did it b/c you wanted that for yourself and for your kids. You worked at it. So, you will be able to forgive the OW and your H for yourself and your kids. You see, God did not tell us to forgive other b/c they deserve it. And, frankly your H and the OW do not deserve your forgiveness or kindness or cooperation or anything. All they deserve it your wrath, hatred, anger, bitterness.....on and on. But, AmyM does not want to be that type of person b/c she knows it will turn her into a terrible embittered old woman that nobody can stand to be around. I don't call you "my sweetie" for nothing!! However, you are allowed to feel what you are feeling.....okay? You are allowed to be sad, b/c this has been like a death. You will grieve and you will get angry and go through stages just like we do when we lose a loved one in death.
Okay, back to forgiveness. So, they don't deserve it, we agree on that, right? Well, there is nothing they can do to "earn" your forgiveness......that's for sure! I mean, they have done the damage! But, the bottom line is this, sweetie, God did not tell us that they were to deserve our forgiveness or that they were to try to "earn" our forgiveness. In fact, they don't even have to "ask us" for our forgiveness. Now that is a kick in the head isn't it? To forgive them without them even "asking".....wow! Yep! That is what we are to do. But how on earth can we do that? Where do we get that kind of strength? Here it comes........you knew that, didn't you? (lol) We can do it b/c it is NOT BASED UPON THEM. Our ability to forgive them is not based upon them!! God gives us His grace to forgive them. His righteousness is in you and b/c of Him, and b/c of Who and What He is on the inside of you......you can have the strength to forgive. Forgiveness has nothing to do with them. It has everything to do with who YOU are and what you are.
Amy, we did nothing to deserve or earn God's love, salvation, or His forgiveness when we were lost sinners. We could not do anything to earn it or work for it or get good enough to get His forgiveness.......and we still can't. When I had my EA, I was a saved Christian (is there any other kind?). Anyway, I knew that I could not "work up" to being good enough to get God's forgiveness for what I had done. In I John 1:9, He promised me that if I would only confess what I had done......He (His work, not mine) was faithful and just to forgive me and cleanse me. The funny part is that He KNOWS already. He knew what I had done, but the confession was for my benefit. It is not to "inform" Him of what my latest sins have been. It is kind of like my confrontation with myself in His presence and admitting to Him what I have done and that it was a sin unto him. Then, by "faith" I have to accept that promise. Just like when I was saved......it was not b/c I deserved it and I could not work for it, but by His Grace and through my "faith" in believing Him.....I was saved. I had to "accept" the salvation by believing. Same thing with forgiveness from Him. We have to believe and accept, by faith.
So, when we put that picture up against the stitch with H and OW, it kind of comes together, doesn't it? We hurt God if we reject Christ as Savior. We dishonor Him when we do wrong things. But, based on Who and What God is......He forgives us. That is why and how we forgive others that have done us very, very wrong.
How does a mother forgive a drunken driver who hits them in a car and her baby is thrown to the pavement with her little brains scattered on the highway? A beautiful little girl that was left so totally retarded b/c of a drunken driver. I knew that lady, Amy, and she was a testimony of forgiveness and grace. The day her little girl died, she sent me a note and said that I was invited to attend her baby's graduation. I had never heard of a funeral called a graduation. When my grandmother died, I looked at my loved ones and said, this is her graduation service.
I don't know why I brought all that up, it just came to my mind and I'm hoping that some of this is helping you, maybe. Forgiveness is an act of "grace", Amy. I know that you are going to be able to find that grace in your heart to forgive your H and the OW. Don't beat yourself up and expect too much of yourself right this minute b/c you are dealing with a lot of pain and you have to get through that.
The OW.......don't know much about her. It is easier to put all the blame on her and say that she stole your husband and broke your family apart. The truth is......she may have done just that. Maybe that was her goal and she set out to accomplish it and she did! On the other hand, maybe it wasn't. What happened between your H and OW was wrong. She knew he was M. She was M. But, it happened. Does it make her a terrible person? Do you think I am a terrible person? I was ready to leave my H and go to the OM that I was having an EA with. That is how mixed up I was at the time. Thank God......it did not happen! But, do you see where I am trying to go with this? Maybe, just maybe.....she might not be as terrible as we have her imagined. Let's hope that she is sweet and good and loving. Not b/c your H "deserves" that.......b/c he deserves a b*tch!! (lol) But we are not talking about what we adults deserve, are we? It is the kids.......they deserve it. I know that in time you will be able to deal with that and you will be able to do what you know you have to do in order to be happy with yourself. And, honey.......my sweetie.......you can.
Today those emotions hit you hard and you will probably have some times that you are surprised b/c you'll think you are about healed and moving along pretty good, when wham.....here that stinking emotion mess comes back to haunt you and you start with the "why" questions again. That is called being a human and it sucks! I'll tell you another verse to that song......the old devil will use it to get to you every time he can. So, if you will shine the Light on him and let him know you are on to his bag of tricks......the sooner he'll stop that mess. I mean it. He will try every emotion he can hit you with if he thinks it will ruin your day, you plans, or your life. If he thinks that it will turn you into an old sour, resentful woman that goes around saying, "why did this happen", he will do it. Don't allow him the victory when you have the Greater Power within you. Okay?
So, now I am sitting here bawling and can't see any more, so maybe that is my cue to stop. I'm not preaching to you, (you know that by now), but this is just my way of putting my arms around you and telling you that you have strength available to you to use and that I love you so much. You are going to be fine. I know that as well as I know my name. I believe that as much as I believe anything. I am assured and confident of that fact! Every morning that you get up, I want you to remember this...... "There is nothing that God and I can't handle together this day."
Love you sweetie, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hello ladies, I don't want to but in on your thread, but..... I could use as much advice from you ladies on how to handle myself around my wife given my situation. So if any of you can, please catch up on my sitch and let give it to me straight. I admit I am a slow learner hear, but I have a big heart and need a females perspective as much as possible.
Amy, you have given me some great insite, I don't know what to say about the recent events in your life except to say that my heart goes out to you.
(((polly)))...I feel like that about her. But, I have to let that go to truly get on with my life. Can you imagine having those feelings all the while knowing my children were staying the weekend at her house? I'll pray that she has a change of heart. I'll pray that she recognizes her wrongdoing and looks out for my boys as if they were her own. My H has picked her to spend every other weekend with them. I'm praying that H is making good decisions for my boys as well.
(((((((Sandi)))))) Sometimes when I look back to where I've been I'm amazed I've come this far. God and I have work to do yet, but we'll get it done. It's always so moving to read your posts to me. I love you more than you can know. You have helped me grow tremendously in my faith. I know God sent you to me...my own special angel.
I know everything you say is true. I know about the importance of forgiveness. Everyday I've come a little closer to forgiving H for this mess. I just have to really get busy forgiving her now too. And, I realize that she, as much as H, may be good at heart and may just be in a messed up place. I've been those places before too!
So, Sandi, keep me in your prayers. I'm gonna make you proud...God's taking care of me...I'm letting Him. And, while I'm sad tonight, I already feel the burden being lifted.
((((W.O.M))))...I've been reading along some, and I'll head over there now...but, I'm not in a great place right now, and I don't know if I can offer much more than encouragement.
Love you all! Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
